Being a Ghost

Ever since he had died, James was pretty lonely.

None of the other ghosts ever talked to him and when he went back to his hometown to see his still alive family, they were usually just eating or sleeping.

He tried hobbies, like pottery class, but those things were nothing like they were in the movies.

Even the guy who he was assigned to haunt was pretty lame. James often tried to rile him up just to see if he was doing a good job of being a ghost. Sometimes the guy would be working on an important document for work and then just as he was about save it James would pull the power cord. Or sometimes, if the guy had a girl over and they were about to have sex he would knock over a framed photograph and try to ruin the moment. Sometimes it worked but usually it didn’t and the guy would just have sex with James just standing there feeling really dumb.

“I’ve tried everything” James said to a therapist. “I’ve tried leaving the gas on. I’ve tried unplugging his coffee machine! I’ve tried literally everything.”

“I think you probably need to tell your boss how you feel,” said the therapist because the therapist was talking to his patient and not to James who was just standing, uninvited, in the corner of the room.

James wasn’t even good at therapy.

And then one day James had an idea:

If James could just kill this guy then this guy would have to talk to James and then James would have someone to talk to.

So, that night, while the guy slept, James carefully loosened all the screws in the ceiling fan that hung above the guy’s bed.

It wasn’t long before gravity took over and the ceiling fan fell on the guy. But it didn’t kill him. He just screamed and held his bleeding head.

“Dude, what’s your problem?” asked the guy.

“You can see me?” asked James, wondering if in fact the guy had actually died.

“Of course I can see you!”

“Are you dead?”

“What are you talking about? Of course I can see you, you’re always here!” said the guy.

“If you can see me why haven’t you ever said anything to me before?” asked James.

“I don’t know, man. You just seem kind of average and I figured if I started talking to you you’d probably want to talk all the time, like whenever you have feelings.”

“So you’ve been just ignoring me?” James asked.

“Yeah, I don’t want to be harsh but I always thought ghosts were cool, but then I met you and I realized that some ghosts I guess are just kind of blah.”

***The moral of this story is “Just because someone isn’t talking to you doesn’t mean they don’t know you exist. It probably just means you’re a little bit boring to be around, so maybe spice up your personality a bit.”

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