How To Accept An Invitation
Thank you for your invitation. I want you to know that if I do accept, I will likely ruin your event.
I will pop the bouncy castle. I will not take off my shoes. I will double dip.
I will go through your medicine cabinet. I will report the contents back to the other partygoers. I will replace your antidepressants with mints.
I will ram my car into your mailbox and I will fill out a change of address form on your behalf. I will cut down your neighbor’s favorite lemon tree. I will hand you lemons. I will ask for lemonade.
I will object at your wedding. I will object at your funeral.
I will fill your yard with roosters and I will bury hundreds of alarm clocks in your garden. I will ask your stepfather about “that thing.”
I will stage a Civil War Recreation on your lawn, using real cannons.
I will bring you White Zinfandel.
I will let your cat out. I will let your dog in. I will let your rats do terrible things on your couch. Oh, you don’t have rats? Now you do. I will bring rats.
I will make a fort out of all of your furniture. I will do this in your pool.
I will draw mustaches on all of your pictures and on all your friends and on all of your pictures of all of your friends.
I will hire a sad clown. I will hire a happy mime. I will hire a stripper dressed as a policeman and then I will call the police.
I will not put down the seat when I am done.
I am very much looking forward to your baby shower. Congratulations again!