How To Accept An Invitation

Thank you for your invitation. I want you to know that if I do accept, I will likely ruin your event.

I will pop the bouncy castle. I will not take off my shoes. I will double dip.

I will go through your medicine cabinet. I will report the contents back to the other partygoers. I will replace your antidepressants with mints.

I will ram my car into your mailbox and I will fill out a change of address form on your behalf. I will cut down your neighbor’s favorite lemon tree. I will hand you lemons. I will ask for lemonade.

I will object at your wedding. I will object at your funeral.

I will fill your yard with roosters and I will bury hundreds of alarm clocks in your garden. I will ask your stepfather about “that thing.”

I will stage a Civil War Recreation on your lawn, using real cannons.

I will bring you White Zinfandel.

I will let your cat out. I will let your dog in. I will let your rats do terrible things on your couch. Oh, you don’t have rats? Now you do. I will bring rats.

I will make a fort out of all of your furniture. I will do this in your pool.

I will draw mustaches on all of your pictures and on all your friends and on all of your pictures of all of your friends.

I will hire a sad clown. I will hire a happy mime. I will hire a stripper dressed as a policeman and then I will call the police.

I will not put down the seat when I am done.

I am very much looking forward to your baby shower. Congratulations again!

One clap, two clap, three clap, forty?

By clapping more or less, you can signal to us which stories really stand out.