I have a good friend who is a trans woman. I’ve known her for a long time, since before she came out. The problem is that I don’t see her as a woman, either emotionally or rationally. She doesn’t wear makeup or change her voice or mannerisms at all to seem more like a woman. The only things that have changed since she came out are that she grew her hair out and started wearing skirts occasionally — the rest of her wardrobe is the same. Her interests are pretty male-typical. She’s not on hormone therapy.

My view of whether…


So for context: I am a submissive male college student, and now that I am of age I have been exploring kink in Real Life. It’s been going well as a whole and I’ve played with a few different people.

The issue is with one guy I met off of Fetlife. We began a disciplinary thing that is ongoing, and we have plans for when I’m back in town for school. We both sort of, I think, conceptualize things as us being friends plus I get punished for various wrongdoings. However, I have had a pretty huge crush on him…


My wife hates vegetarians. They never did anything to me but I like to play along with her and joke about how sad they are and how they’re missing out. But secretly, I want to be a vegetarian.

Eating food that my wife and my mother-in-law cooks is an important part of our culture. I’ll come home early from work Thursdays to cook dinner. But every other weekday my wife does the cooking. Sundays we eat at her Mom’s.

My wife once joked, “if you ever become vegetarian, I’ll divorce you!” I laughed and said, “You don’t have to worry…


I am polyamorous and find it smooth and effortless to develop intimate friendships. However, how people escalate to more intertwined, domestic relationships feels completely alien to me. This is something that I think I want to try (for the sake of science! and self-knowledge), but I am not sure how ride the escalator even if I wanted to. Any perspective you have would be welcome. =)

If you’re on the relationship escalator, forming a nesting relationship can be smooth and easy. (A nesting relationship is one in which you live together, share finances, perhaps coparent, and generally participate in daily…


I have consistently evaluated my life to be worse than nonexistence over the years, something that medications and therapy haven’t fixed. This has made suicide tempting, but I have just as consistently found it out of the question. My choice is to live, but I’m demotivated and distracted from taking steps to improve my life by fantasies of finding out that I’m terminally ill. How can I let go of the unrealistic hope to die so I can focus on living?

I’m not going to try to help you make your life worth living; I assume that if therapy and…


Do you have any advice for someone who agrees with framing transitioning as a decision about what makes one happy and has read Nevada and has gotten a few close friends to try using different pronouns but still isn’t sure if transitioning is right for them? Are there specific steps I should take, or other things I should try or processes I should engage in? Am I perhaps going about this whole question in a wrongheaded way?

Here are assorted personal details that might be relevant:

- late twenties AMAB

- have had some amount of autogynephillic tendencies since my…


How do you build a long term sexual relationship without the sex getting stale?

I think it is a mistake to assume that sex is inherently going to get stale in a long-term sexual relationship. It’s true that there are certain advantages to a new sexual partner: the thrill of discovering your partner’s body, the uncertainty of whether they really like you, the “will we or won’t we” tension, and of course the all-consuming nature of new relationship energy. Novelty is exciting for many people!

But there are a lot of advantages to a long-term relationship. Your partner knows how…


I follow a lot of radical feminist blogs and groups on social media/online. Something that I’ve seen a lot of lately is a promotion of sex work. To be clear, I fully support the decriminalization and destigmatization of sex work. However, I’ve seen a lot of women say that “giving it up for free” is exploitation, especially when accounting for slut-shaming, toxic masculinity, and the prioritization of male pleasure at the expense of women. Put simply, if the sex/relationship is good, then you got pleasured and paid, and if the sex/relationship is bad, at least you got something out of…


My wife and I have been together for five years now. We love each other, but sometimes it’s a real struggle. My wife has symptoms of what seems to be either bipolar or borderline personality disorder; for various reasons she’s not in therapy at the moment, but I was wondering if you had any advice for people who are living with someone with mental illness. (I have my own, different issues but they’re beyond the scope of this letter.)

My wife is prone to extremes of emotion. Sometimes she’s very affectionate and cuddly. I like that. Sometimes she gets extremely…


I’m a 29 year old, mostly-straight, cis male, and every time I’ve attempted partnered sex I’ve been unable to stay hard and/or orgasm. n = 2 though. The first time was 9ish years ago, I decided I didn’t want to be 21 and a virgin, so I hired a prostitute. I was on an SSRI at the time and had missed a dose, so I chalked it up to a drug induced problem. But the second time was a month or so ago, with a stranger I met off the internet. She’s not the most attractive person in the world…

Ozy Brennan

An advice column project run by Ozy of Thing of Things. Send in letters to thingofthingsadvice@gmail.com. Letters may be edited for space.

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