A bite-size list from our interview with Helen Todd.
1. Understand who you’re speaking to
Helen: We all bring our own experiences to the conversations we have. So understanding as much of the context of the conversation and who we’re having a conversation with is really important…
Anastasia: Yes!… We’re constantly thinking about ourselves, mainly. “How do I want to convey myself? And what message do I want to get across?” And actually, that’s probably a smaller portion of the technique. Than to understand who we are speaking to.
2. Ask yourself, do you really want to understand?
Helen: One thing is to have the intention to connect and have the safe space and wanting to understand. Just first and foremost having a respect for the other person, and the intention to want to connect. One way to immediately do this is to actively listen.
…By offering someone respect for their beliefs and sharing yours, there’s a gateway to building a relationship and building rapport, and to get to know each other as humans versus, “that person shares a different belief than me” and the relationship ends there because there’s no bridge of respect for each other.
3. Actively listen, and clarify
Helen: Being present in active listening is better than listening and immediately thinking about how am I going to respond. Even when people have very different views, perspectives, political views, you know, there’s a way to engage with those people to a point where you can feel understood, even if they disagree.
And then once they say their perspective, resay it in your own words back to them to ensure you’re both on the same page…”is this what you meant?” or “[This is] how I understood it — is this correct?”
Anastasia: I really like the point about “sounding back” how you’ve interpreted someone’s words. And making sure that it aligns with what they meant. That’s a useful tactic anyone can deploy without any training, without any coaching. We can all empower ourselves in a matter of seconds.
4. Productive disagreement and non-violent communication
Helen: There are skills to communication. There’s non-violent communication which can help to de-escalate. There’s also productive disagreements. My friend Spencer Greenberg has a post on this on his blog. I encourage everyone to explore and sharpen these skills!
5. Apply critical thinking
Helen: As part of having a productive disagreement, a way that you can even go further than repeating what the person said back to them is to determine: is this a beliefs difference or is it an information difference?
6. Process your feelings before and after the conversation
Helen: One thing I would add to the end of that process…is after you have a conversation, is to have a moment of reflection and ask: how do I feel, and why do I feel this way?
7. When in a fight, take a pause
Helen: If you’re in a fight and there’s no resolution at that point in time. It’s really just good to take a pause, everyone. Take a breather.
Come back when you’re in a better place to be able to be like, okay, I’m cooled down. Let’s revisit this with the goal or intention of how are we going to get to conflict resolution. Like how are we going to overcome this because we want to overcome this and we have to be, you know, in a better mental state to be able to do this.
There’s higher level conflict resolution than just pausing, and if you have the opportunity, look into it!
8. Consider what’s going on inside
Helen: I think one of the most important conversations is the one that we have with ourselves, first and foremost. And we can often be our worst self-critic and negative about how we talk to ourselves…And why is that? It’s because we as people, we have this internal conversation with ourselves that we’re trying to sort out and that we don’t always know who we are and how to communicate that.
It might have been Maya Angelou who said, people don’t remember what you say. They remember how you made them feel. How does your language to your self make you feel? Conversation is also about getting super honest and asking: what’s the internal dialogue that I have with myself? Would you say it to your 5-year-old inner child? (If it’s not, I invite you to reflect on why not.)
“One of the most important conversations is the one that we have with ourselves.”
Anastasia: I really like that. It splits the process into phases. There’s the preparation and that’s really important. Just as much as, “oh God, I have to be so present in the moment.” If you do the inner work, preparation or mindfulness beforehand, it will express itself when you’re in the moment.
…Emotion is a part of the process. I think some people might find it wishy-washy, or they don’t have time to introspect about how they’re feeling, but it’s such an important, tool again, when it comes to communication because actually our brains were designed to be able to do this thing that no other species can.
Helen: Yeah, and all the things that are conveyed in voice and emotion, is there too. I think we’re just now really starting to get curious about emotion. So hopefully that will evolve in the science of communication.
“I think we’re just now really starting to get curious about emotion. So hopefully that will evolve in the science of communication.”
9. What you say, you become. Pick your words with intentionality.
Anastasia: I can come across as maybe a bit more introverted or reserved, and some people don’t pick up on my intention, whereas I’m naturally a very curious person.
Helen: Language you use of, “I’m often misunderstood because I’m introverted and it might be mismatched…your underlying belief is, “I’m often misunderstood”.
So in a lot of your conversations there is going to be a roadblock of, “I’m often misunderstood”, so “this conversation has to go even higher or work harder to be understood”. Either…you reframe it as “this time I’m going to be understood”, or you will continue thinking there’s nothing this person can say or do that’s going to make me feel understood.
You’re bringing all of these beliefs into the conversations. And we should never use the word ‘always’!
10. Understand your communication style
Anastasia: So a way to understand yourself can also be: perceiving your communication style not as a flaw, but as an approach?
Not “I’m always misunderstood”, but “this is how I communicate”. Obviously, adjusting if you can (that’s finite) but, once you’ve adjusted, kind of sticking to it and that also forming your boundary?
Helen: Yes!
11. Believe in yourself and become your own teacher
Helen: I don’t truly believe that I’m a great orator right now in this moment in time. But I’m changing my internal dialogue. Don’t let your beliefs limit what you’re capable of doing.
The internet is an amazing resource with a lot of free things. And if you have a will, there’s a way. And there are so many free resources on YouTube, universities also have free courses. Circumstances have to be acknowledged, but don’t let them limit your beliefs of what you’re capable of doing.
Anastasia: Thank you, this is a really grounded and practical steer, especially for newer generations facing ambiguity and lack of educational funding in things like oracy, public speaking, and having sensitive conversations.
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