The Two Cultures Behind Loneliness
“The biggest threat to men in the 21st century isn’t war or violence. It isn’t even alcoholism, obesity, or pornography. The biggest threat to men is loneliness.”
There is something wrong with our culture. Or at least my cultural and social experiences in Utah, Idaho, and other parts of the US. And I am furious about it! Ever since I was in junior high, I have been repeatedly excluded, left out, forgotten, and otherwise not invited to activities with my peers. Hustle culture has caused the isolation, toxic “excitement culture” has caused exclusion, and the personal meaning in each and every experience has been absolutely devastating to me. Maybe you’ll relate?
As much as I hate hustle culture, it is also the one that I am mostly likely to participate in myself. Hustlers believe that being busy, making money, and otherwise being a mover/shaker elevates their status and excludes them from the need to reciprocate social interactions. Hustling is often seen as a good thing, but the truth is that turning another person down so that you can get a task done is almost always unnecessary. When we decide to do that, we are essentially saying “yeah, you’re even less important to me that this inanimate box I need to check”. Giving loving kindness to others and getting things done are NOT mutually exclusive!
Now, toxic “excitement” culture is even more infuriating because it really does absolutely nothing to help society as a whole. Excitement culture is simply ALWAYS choosing to do whatever is most exciting/fun, setting aside all commitment, empathy, and other values. (The occasional decision based on “what’s the most fun?” does not equate to excitement culture.) I don’t really know where this culture started, but I would imagine that it was sometime around the debut of the song “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” and has been extremely emphasized by today’s pop culture and social media algorithms. In my own life, I have been repeatedly excluded from activities because I’m not seen as exciting or fun. According to my family I am, but because I am not so in the traditional way and because modern culture does not teach expanding your acceptance for different kinds of fun, I am left alone. (Ironically acceptance is something that we are really good at teaching when it comes to different races, orientations, etc.) If you are the kind of person who refuses to invite or participate with certain people because you don’t know if interacting with them is going to be “fun enough” for you, you better take ‘accepting of others’ and ‘understanding/compassionate’ off your resume because that is downright hypocrisy!
Now, I said I was going tell you my personal notes on all this. I know full well that I need to work eliminating these subcultures in my own life. But I also know that I am trying. What really brings me to tears is that some people seem to be so very oblivious to the fact that these are issues at all. I remember telling KK last year that I felt pretty alone and thought she’d make a good friend. She responded by saying that she actually thought that would be a good idea, but then whenever I called her after that (trying — like I said), she was always busy — err, hustling. Ditto for SA, ditto for CP, ditto for sisters EC and RC, ditto for most of the guys I’m currently in YSA with, ditto for most of the guys I ever have been in YSA with, ditto with JK, ditto with BH, TT, AW, and ditto all the way back to LG too. I think you get the picture.
The really important thing, and what I hope you take away reader, is the answer to the question — how does all of that exclusion and turning away affect someone? It makes me feel like crap, worthless, and really leads me to question whether there is anything good about my life anyway. If people would rather spend their time hustling or being excited, then I really don’t have a place in the world — I’m not either of those things. It is the ultimate way people say to each other “you are unloved”.
“The opposite of love isn’t hate — it’s indifference.” -Elle Wiesel
