Forget brain fog: long covid gives you FEELING fog
When you are dealing with a sudden loss — grief, new disability, illness, a break up, even a house move— or any irreversible change in our life, our anxieties can go from a cloudy fog to an absolute hellscape of poisonous gases. We can get lost in the worry and lose sight of the want.
Living with long covid means living with new energy limits. Many of us struggle with prioritising our limits over other peoples’ needs: in other words, we worry about saying that we need to leave the party early. Or we don’t want to ‘let someone down’ by cancelling a coffee because we’re too tired.
I find myself sitting in a cloud of anxieties, invented futures of angry friends, frustrated or disappointed family members who ‘just want you to be better’, or ‘you never come out any more’, or ‘you always make it about you’. Sometimes these happen in real life, and so we avoid being honest to protect ourselves, but often, these conversations aren’t real.
The fog of anxiety weighs heavy, these imaginary stories are loud and unpleasant, and means we ignore what we actually want. Our own voice and needs, for years squashed down so we can serve others, deserves to be heard. It has things to say. And right now, the fog is getting in the way of what it wants to say — it wants to say out loud what you want.
Our greatest gift is on the other side of our greatest fear
You’ve been invited to your friend’s birthday at a pub. It will be noisy, with no place to lie down, and it’s a 30 minute cab ride. It’s been ages since you’ve been out and you love your friend so you want to go, but you know you won’t last the whole night. You don’t want to let her down, you hate the idea of her thinking you don’t care enough about her any more, so you say yes to the invite. Or perhaps, your identity as a ‘party person’ is now at risk, so you try to keep it up, even if it makes you feel worse. Your fog of anxiety is creating all this noise and obscuring your vision, and its obscuring your intention.
The task no longer becomes about being there for your friend — it becomes about resisting the change you don’t want to accept.
If you were to close your eyes, take a deep breath in and then purse your lips for your exhale so you physically blow away the fog, you may see you true desires as the clouds part.
“I want her to feel loved. I want to still be able to connect with people. I want people to be there for me in the way I’ve been there for them. I want to matter. I want to be remembered as someone kind. I just want to get out of the fucking flat”.
All of these things are truer than the noise in the fog. Even if all these desires cannot be fully met, you have at least acknowledged your actual feelings, your true intentions. This helps us move through the fog, helps you communicate what you actually need in your life, in your day, and is much more valuable to people around you who want to be there for you.
“I’m so excited about celebrating you on your birthday! My energy will last for about an hour, and I’ll slip out when I need to, so while I’m there, I’m going to make the most of it.”
Being honest, and boundaried, can ensure you can get to more parties safely. The people around you understand and trust you know what you’re doing. Even if you don’t have people around you who ‘get it’ yet, recognising what you actually want can give you the first clue in what you need to do for yourself.
