I Knew Her Well // Ch. 8

I want to be able to love someone again, but first I have to learn how to love myself.

That’s pretty basic stuff, right? They teach you in elementary school to treat others how you want to be treated —

Oh, shit

Maybe that explains it then. Maybe pain is comfortable for me, so I indulge in self-sabotaging marathons that I have trained my entire life for.

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I’ve always thought that I was only capable of loving myself. That is, until I met Her. She changed everything. She changed my heart. She changed what love was for me. But, being the asshat that I am, I found a way to fuck that up. I’m really good at doing that.

She taught me that I was capable of not just loving someone other than myself, but that I could actually love someone unconditionally. She taught me that I could love someone at their lowest, darkest, and weakest states. This was a nice change of pace for me, as I was usually the one asking my partner to love me during these times.

I had always been burnt by “love.”

My mom “loved” me, and she walked out of my life when given an ultimatum to either give up her addiction to drugs so she could have a functioning presence.

My dad “loved” me, yet he refused to admit he had a drinking problem until I ran away at 14.

My grandmother loved me, but didn’t know how to help me.

God loved me, yet He just let me lay there hopeless for so, so long.

I had learned to put up walls. These walls protected me. They kept me safe, and kept others out. I was just fine with living that way, until she came along and distracted my heart long enough to convince me it was safe outside my fortress.

With every romantic relationship, one of two things are going to happen:

Either you walk away with the love of your life and you tag team the shit out of life. And you THRIVE. As one.

OR

You are walked away from, left with nothing. Somehow left with less than you had before they ever made you care about them. Before the first kiss, before the first “I love you,” before the first fight. Before the last fight.

There’s no in-between.

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Hopefully I’ll be able to redeem my 20’s and meet a sweet gal that fancy’s Jesus and, well, me. I know I’m going to eventually tell that girl all about Her. Not because I haven’t moved on by then, but because She has had such an impact on my life. I truly want to love again. I want to forgive You for all the Hell you put me through. I don’t know why you did what you did or why you did it the way you did. But I know You’re human. A mysterious, spontaneous, curious, and unpredictable human. I know you’ll find your path again. I know I will eventually find mine.

I know I will someday be able to let go of you so I can hold someone else in my arms and in my heart. I just know it.