Now that the world is ending and I’ve given up pretty much any hope of my writing career taking off I’ve decided to withdraw into my dwelling and watch reality television until either I die or the earth does, whichever comes first. My guaranteed basic income allows for me to do just this; I don’t even have to leave the apartment. I have enough Nutritabs stored up to last me well past whenever the universe finally decides to off itself, and cable is free now that it’s all over.
Welcome to my fan blog for the final season of The Bachelorette
For the vast majority of recorded history, Man has thought himself to be the foremost of God’s creations. Catholics, Buddhists, Cyberdruids, Zen Hebrews…all modern and classic theologies make this truth readily apparent. Even the Ooze Seers, who choose not to believe in any sort of traditional deity make this distinction. Man is important — at least he thinks he is. Where, however, does this immense degree of self-manufactured import come into play when Man is forced to compete with thirty one prime specimens for an opportunity to lay with a single mate? When Man must live with a score of his most hated adversaries for a modicum of a chance to spread his seed to a suitable female?
During the course of this weekly blog I will be analyzing and breaking down the events of each episode of this final season of The Bachelorette. It’s highly, highly unlikely that this blog, or the season will be completed. As you already know, fair reader, the heat-death of the universe is approaching at an unpredictable but decidedly breakneck pace. Our once-mighty sun has given up, too — yesterday it went out for good. All is darkness.
All is The Bachelorette.
Before we discuss the suitors, we must first talk of the fine, fine woman that has been chosen as this final Bachelorette. Fanny McNardles was spawned from a Class-Z vat in The Safe Zone 25 years ago for the sole purpose of fulfilling this role. Trained since birth in the art of flirtation, and instructed by the most judicious of the Good Mothers in the Way Of The Rose, she is prepared like no other Bachelorette before her. It was often mentioned in jest that last season’s Bachelorette Nadia Thrumrundumon III was born for the position. This is a farce, and all who deign to maintain it have been stripped of caste and estate, their living brains suspended in acid. Fanny was literally bred for this. A woman of unparalleled beauty and tact, any man of notable virility would gladly slay his birth-givers to taste her sweet, supple flesh. A face that is mathematically perfect, a bosom that could end wars…Fanny McNardles is so wondrously gorgeous that her visage cannot be broadcast without warning, as those who have not consumed their Steri-Meds would surely go mad at the sight of her.
An intellect like no other, Fanny is able to engage in discourse and debate on any subject known to Man. In her pre-season interviews she demonstrated her ability to solve Ultradoc-level Omnivariable Supercalc problems in her head whilst delivering an on-the-spot dissertation on the merits of thirtieth century Quantum Verse. She easily ranks in the top percentile of minds to have ever lived on this Earth, but the decision before her is still incredible in its difficulty. She must, in view of the world, over the course of several months, pick a suitable mate.
In addition to her great beauty and mental prowess, Fanny McNardles can lift a car above her head and run a standard mile in under a minute.
All said, Fanny McNardles is qualified for the immense responsibility of her station.