vacation at sunset cliffs

I squint and shade my eyes with my hand, hot and sweaty with the heat of California summer. My hot breath is heavy and sticky beneath my medical face mask. I try to find the address listed in our rental instructions as David tugs the large suitcase we decided to share up the steep hill. He is sweating and cursing to himself. In one of his moods.

We come over the crest of the hill and are greeted by the deep blue Pacific crashing along the base of a line of jagged, rocky cliffs.

I’m breathless for a moment. It’s like seeing a mirage in the desert after walking for days without water. We’ve been sequestered to our studio apartment for six months and I almost forgot how magnificent the ocean is, even from a distance.

I look over at David who has now met me at the top of the hill. His dark eyes seem to lighten at the sight of the open water.

I walk forward, transfixed by the sound of the waves pounding against the rock. Kadoosh, kadoosh. I stop at a tall, chainlink fence that separates me from a downward slope that rolls out into a sandy plateau.

Below children play in the waves and their parents look on. David joins me at the fence, sweat glistening on his milky brown skin. He takes off his white Panama style hat that I bought him during our sixth anniversary in Cabo and wipes his brow with a light blue kerchief in his pocket. I recall how he planned the trip and booked everything surprising me with the tickets and an incredible vacation. I was sure I’d get a proposal then but he doesn’t do things like that anymore.

He puts his hat back on covering his silky black hair. I sometimes wish I had curls like him, mine are more of a 4A, coiled and thick, dry and sometimes difficult to manage. I like to imagine what our kids would look like with his wavy hair and my dark brown skin.

This is gorgeous, David says through his face mask still staring into the wild blue yonder. Thanks for bringing me here, he turns and takes my hand looking earnestly into my eyes. Maybe this means he isn’t angry at me anymore.

Don’t thank me just yet I say, taking a step off the sidewalk. I feel something squish beneath the heel of my sneaker.

Agh! I cry out and look down and see I’ve stepped on a dead seagull who’s guts are splashed across the hot asphalt, it’s hollow eye socket staring up into the afternoon sun. Flies buzz hungrily above it’s mangled carcass and white feathers matted with sticky dark blood.

I recoil sharply and draw in a breath looking down into the creature’s dark eye, hollow and departed.

Fwah! David exclaims fanning the air in front of his masked face, startling me out of my rumination.

We walk a few feet back the way we came when I see a tall, dark wood fence wet like driftwood newly driven ashore. I think this is it, I say pushing through the dark wood and into a neatly manicured yard.

I open the door to the small apartment and rip off my light purple face mask and toss it on a table beneath what looks like a 60 inch flat screen television. David trudges in behind me, sighing dramatically.

Can you get one of these bags for me, Max? he lifts the heavy white luggage over the threshold. I grab his black backpack and matching camera bag off the top of the suitcase and place them on a nearby dining table. David wheels the suitcase close to a bookshelf across from the open door. I sit to untie my sneakers.

Shut the screen, I yip, we don’t want bugs in here.

I swiftly slide the screen shut and close the front door for emphasis. I feel David’s annoyance at my command permeating the air around me but decide not to play into it. I don’t want to spoil our vacation with another argument.

I join David as he wanders the kitchen marveling at the modern appliances, gleaming in the sunlight streaming from the open window above the sink.

It’s about the size of our place, I say lightly, trying to bring the mood back up. I know David is still pissed about having to walk three blocks with the suitcase in the sun but he’s the one who told the Uber driver to let us out here. I bound across the living room to a swinging screen door.

But it has a patio! I step out into the salty air and breathe in admiring the tall plants lining the rectangular deck. David opens the flimsy door and joins me.

This place is pretty nice, he says, wrapping his hand around my waist and pulling me close. I know this is our truce or what our couples therapist would call breaking down the avoidance tendencies. She was the one who suggested we get a change of scenery after being caged in our apartment for six months on a mandatory worldwide quarantine. At first the idea of sheltering in place was romantic but after about three months the closeness began to test our limits.

A plane flies overhead rumbling into the distance like a car missing it’s muffler and breaks me out of thought.

Relax, David turns toward me. Let’s make the best of this Max, like Saundra said, he looks deep into my eyes searching for reassurance. I nod and give him a tender kiss on the mouth.

David is unpacking the suitcase when I step out of the bathroom patting dry my thick dark curls with a white towel. I walk past the kitchen shedding the towel around my cocoa brown body and reach for my skin cream sitting on top of a mound of clothes.

Come here, he says turning toward me and tackling me onto the bed.

Hey, stop, I need to get ready. I say playfully batting him away happy that he is at least trying to have a good time with me.

Okay, okay, he backs off after grabbing my ass one last time. I smile at him and stick out my tongue when a nostalgia creeps over me, the years before the pandemic when we first moved in together after seven years together we still couldn’t keep our hands off one another, I thought our honeymoon phase would last forever but here we are on year nine and barely speaking on a daily basis.

The sun beats down on my exposed forehead as we make our way to a small store on the corner. A white haired man, unmasked, with pale skin wearing a yellow shirt that stretches across his pot belly stares me down as if I’m the drunk driver who took his family we pass on the sidewalk. I feel my shoulders tense but try to shake it off, it’s nothing Maxine, just some bitter old dude I tell myself.

We push past a plastic curtain and into a small air conditioned store cluttered with goods. A gangly high schooler glares at me as we walk past the checkout counter. He clearly wants nothing more than go fuck around with his friends I think to myself. I don’t blame him, it’s a nice day to fuck around.

The store is closing in fifteen minutes, I hear someone say. My heart skips a beat and I take a slow breath trying to calm the rising panic I’m feeling. I hurry to catch up with David who has moved to another aisle. He grabs a bag of chips and throws it in the basket.

What else do you think we need? I ask wrapping my hand around his fleshy bicep to feel something familiar. I can feel my pulse quickening and my throat getting dry.

Some bread? I don’t know, what do you think we should get?, he snaps.

Okay, bread, I mumble unable to think and shuffle toward a rack of freshly baked goods.

I stare at the rows of bagels and loaves of sourdough intimidated by the quantity of choices and lost in the fog of anxiety settling over my brain. A woman with dark brown hair pulled up in a long, swinging ponytail, her face obscured by a disposable medical mask, stands in front of me and blocks my view. I step to the side unsure of where to move in the cramped space.

We are supposed to remain six feet apart from each other, social distancing is what the experts call it but it feels impossible to practice when some don’t seem to know the rules. Near panic I back away from the bread rack and scan the market for David when I catch the teen staring daggers at me again. I spot David who has now added a bottle of cherry lemonade to the dark green basket and walk toward him.

Let’s go, I urge trying to keep the alarm in my voice to a minimum.

What? We didn’t get everything we need, are you sure? He looks at me accusatory, oh no, not this again.

Yes, let’s just get out of here, I say as I walk up to the check out counter. The teen is ready with scan gun in hand, his hazel eyes glaring over his black face mask as I load our items on to the counter top. He scans them one by one at a distance and with a mannerism that suggests he is either a germaphobe or being a total smart-ass punk. He bags the items as I insert my debit card into the chip reader.

Thank you, I murmur and dash through the plastic curtain into the fresh air.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes shrugging off what I think was my over active imagination and proclivity toward envisioning the worst when I feel a warm hand on my shoulder.

Hey, are you ok? David asks fumbling with the awkwardly filled plastic bag.

Yeah, just felt really stuffy in there and they were about to close… I stammer trying to brush it off.

No problem, he says, sensing that I need him to back off and stuffing down his aggravation at the fact that we didn’t get the supplies we came for.

We walk in silence past a front porch pimped out with lounge chairs and a stereo playing mellow surf rock. A middle aged woman, skin leathery with too much sun, sits holding a beer in a neon blue koozie with her feet up rocking them back and forth to the music.

I look ahead at the palm tree lined street and clear blue sky, happy that we decided to come. Scientists say they still don’t fully understand the lasting effects of the virus that has taken over 300,000 lives in our country and millions world wide. At this point almost everyone knows someone who has had the contagion or has contracted it themselves. I guess I’m lucky that no one I know has been affected but David’s great uncle who lives in Colombia passed away last week due to complications from the virus. They weren’t particularly close but it hurt him nonetheless.

We cross the street into a back alley still not speaking. I see an open banker’s box ahead near a worn wood fence. As we pass by I peer in, curious to see what has been left out as trash. The pungent odor of rotting meat hits me like a wave of foulness, rancid and stale. I almost fall back when I see the lifeless body of a black cat curled up in the box. I pause for a moment unable to look away from the cold, still animal and the flies congregating around it’s head. I gag and cover my mouth adding another layer to the mask already there. David comes up behind me and sees the dead cat, he turns his head and pulls me away.

We come upon the property and see the gate is open. You think someone was taking out the trash? I ask, looking for reassurance that no one has broken in and is now hiding under the bed waiting to slit our throats while we sleep.

Probably, David says letting his irritation show and paying no attention to the potential security threat, he gestures for me to go up the stairs ahead of him.

I punch in the code and slide open the screen door poking my head in cautiously, looking for any other signs of intrusion. David stomps into the kitchen. He slams the bags down and throws open the refrigerator door to put our beer inside.

I know I’m being paranoid but we haven’t been out in so long and I forgot how many dangers there are in the world. It takes so much energy to navigate it all. I want to say sorry but don’t think I should have to. He should try to understand that we are in the midsts of a pandemic and I’m worried. What if something happens to him or me?

I kick off my shoes and step into the bathroom turning on the faucet of the pedestal sink to wash my hands. After I rinse them I splash cold water on my sweaty face and towel off. I Relax, I say to myself, you’re here to have some fun. I close my eyes and am smacked with the image of the lifeless black cat in the box. I open my eyes and try to shake the sense of dread crawling over me.

David is sitting on the couch with a beer in his hand when I finally open the door and step out. He takes a sip and avoids eye contact with me. Great, back to the moody place again.

Are you okay? I ask sharply tired of his childish avoidance techniques.

Yeah, he mumbles and takes a sip of his beer.

I stand and stare at him for a moment unsure if I really want to take his bait. What’s on your mind? You mad at me for something? I ask.

He is quiet for a beat then, You like started freaking out back there Maxine and what are we supposed to do now? We don’t have any of the things we need to make dinner.

I was trying to control my anxiety, sorry if it wasn’t enough, I say measured and caustic already resenting him for putting the blame on me.

It’s always about your freaking anxiety Maxine, what about me? What about what I’m feeling?, he accuses.

You never tell me how you’re feeling. You just get in your stupid moods and go play your angry music and then bottle everything up until suddenly it’s okay for me to talk to you again, I rant feeling mostly sad about the fact that we’re having yet another fight about communication on what is supposed to be a romantic weekend.

He stares at me lost for words and knowing I’m right, he doesn’t share his feelings with me.

I let out a deep sigh and walk to the fridge whip open the door take out a cold bottle of beer and slam it shut. I pop open the cap with the bottle opener on the breakfast nook and pad out to the porch not looking at David, two can play that game.

I sit in an old Adirondack chair settling into the worn wood made soft from years of storms and damp air. I take a moment to relax or do some version of it. I close my eyes feeling the sadness wash over me. We came all this way to fight like we do at home. I push out the thought and breathe into my belly letting it protrude swollen with oxygen. I exhale sighing loudly into the still afternoon.

The thought of actually leaving him crosses my mind. Moving out on my own again, living the single life. But I can’t bare the prospect of going back to dating apps and set ups. And it’s not only that, David knows me. He knows everything about me and I feel too old and tired to establish that with someone else.

You want some company? David asks lingering in the threshold. I nod and he sits in the identical chair next to mine. He looks over and gives me a little smile, his eyes shining like polished brown agate.

We look out into the backyard not saying anything the air heavy with the expectation to have an enjoyable time. I look over and find him lost in the beautiful view a transfixed gape spread across his handsome face. I bet he’s thinking of ways to paint or photograph the view. That’s David, always dreaming and sometimes not seeing the beauty in front of him. He turns and meets my gaze and takes my hand into his.

Sorry Max, I didn’t mean to be hard on you, I’m just feeling a little burnt out from the travel, he says quietly.

It’s not just the travel, I think, but ok. I don’t want to fight anymore this weekend.

You want to go watch the sunset at the cliffs? I ask surrendering. I know he’ll want to take photos and carry on about how beautiful the light is.

Yeah, he says nodding not taking his eyes off the delicate light coming through the plants.

Let’s go I say, finishing the last of my beer and standing up. I dust off my butt and make my way inside.

David picks up his big camera case and takes out a fancy DSLR. He slings it around his neck and we head out the front door.

I adjust the straps of my mask as we walk down the alley toward the street that leads to the cliffs.

I spot a lady in green cameo leggings and a neon green top smoking her cigarette and talking with a neighbor. As we pass my eyes meet with the lady in green’s.

She calls out, thank you for wearing a mask, I should be out here with a mask, thank you, I should really be wearing one myself, I apologize.

No problem, I manage startled by her sudden moral outburst. I share a look with David and we continue to the sidewalk at the end of the alley. We round the corner and walk up the street toward the look out point.

That was weird, I say looking at David who has started preparing his camera.

Some people are being faced with their own mortality for the first time and they don’t know how to handle it, he postures.

So they are seeing their own vulnerability through us wearing masks? I ask.

Pretty much, he turns the camera on and peers through the viewfinder as we approach a patch of dirt in front of a flight of stairs. I gaze out into the horizon which is changing from bright blue to soft purple and pink.

Let’s go down there, says David leading the way down the steep set of stairs. We land at the bottom and take a path to our right toward a less populated area of the cliffs. Lingering sunbathers lounge taking in the last light of the day.

David pauses to take a shot and I notice a photographer taking portraits of a young pregnant woman near the edge of the cliff. The photographer instructs the woman to hold up her dress to help it flow in the wind.

David advances and I follow after a moment of watching the pregnant woman’s rose colored dress billow in the crisp sea breeze.

We find a patch of rock somewhat secluded from the majority of the crowd and take a seat. A family in the distance to my left packs up their chairs and try to wrangle their children away from the waves and sand. The sky changes from purple to deep pink and orange, the bright sun sinking below a line of clouds and the air growing cooler as the light fades.

I take in the charged air and quieting sky watching the waves rush upon the rocks. I’ve been growing depressed seeing the same four walls every day. Being out here feels good. I’m starting to feel like a real person again.

I see two men approaching out of the corner of my eye one is short and stocky with a buzz cut, dark jeans and a black t-shirt that makes his pale skin stand out. The other is taller with shaggy blonde hair and cutoff sleeves and jean shorts. I turn away so they don’t catch me staring.

Fucking libs, one snarls as they pass. I flinch at the anger in his voice and hold my breath until they pass by.

I push myself to stand and approach David who is lost in the deepening orange and red of the sky. The final light bounces off the quieting waters and I wrap my hand around his arm.

Hey, I think we should go, I say pushing the butterflies back down into my stomach.

Just a little longer, he snaps another photo.

I look around. The families have gone and only a few teens and canoodling couples remain. I feel my chest tightening. Breathe. It’s ok. You’re blowing things out of proportion. I take calming breaths and stare into the the abyss witnessing the last embers of light sinking lower into darkening waters.

I hear voices to my right and turn to see the two men from eariler emerging from a dark bend on the path. I quickly look away and tug at David’s arm.

It’s practically dark David, let’s go, I whisper loudly.

Ok, just a few more, I promise sweetie, he smiles eyes twinkling in the twilight.

I take a belly breath. It’s ok, we will be back at the apartment soon.

Yep same one right there on their damn faces, fucking foreigners, I hear a man hiss. I’m too afraid to turn and see who it is.

Now David, now, I urge. We have to go.

He looks at me and sees the the terror blazing in my eyes. I grip his forearms and he nods. Let’s wait until they leave, they gave me a bad feeling, I tell him.

We wait for the men to pass watching them walk up the stairs and out into the street beyond. My hands are trembling, I shove them into my pockets.

You sure you’re okay? Did you forget your pills? David asks concerned.

No, I shake my head, I heard them say some rude things about our masks.

I told you honey, these people are scared, they hate to think about the fact that humans aren’t invincible, he assures me.

He’s trying to be nice and I’m letting my fucking anxiety ruin things, again. Get it together Maxine.

We walk down the remainder of the path and climb up the stairs careful not to touch the railing. David steps out into the street as I climb the last few stairs, I’m on the final step when I hear.

Don’t think I can let you through this way buddy.

My throat tightens and I can’t swallow, my mouth is dry. I walk up the next step and see the short man with the buzzcut and his tall friend standing in front of David, blocking him from proceeding down the street.

I pull at David’s shirt hoping he will turn around and we can go back down the stairs and wait until morning. My heart beats faster nearly pounding through my chest as David tries to sidestep the guys. I look beyond to the cliffs and sand. Everyone has gone home.

Look dude, we just want to get home, okay? David reasons.

Home? Yeah bro, go back to Mexico, seethes the tall one.

David clenches his fist ready to defend his Colombian heritage and potentially get us killed.

Just let us pass okay? We aren’t doing anything to bother you, David says cooly.

You wearing that god damn thin on your face is bothering me, buzzcut barks.

There is a virus going around if you haven’t noticed, Im trying to keep you safe, David retorts.

I see the man’s eyes darken, they become hollow and wide, deep with vitriol as he lunges at David and reaches for his mask. I’m pushed backward as David tries to dodge the man’s grip and fall to my knees. David helps me up and we rush back the way we came from running down the steps and into the darkness below.

We squeeze into a small cavern in the rock my chest heaving and hands shaking with adrenaline.

We have to call 911, I say cursing myself for leaving my cellphone in the apartment in the apartment in an effort to “unplug”.

Max, David says looking at me like I’m nuts. What are we gonna tell them? Some bully tried to take my mask?

Fuck, what are we gonna do? I cry. I’m losing control, I can feel the fear rising. I yank off my sweater and crouch down into a ball. Belly breaths. Just breathe.

We know you and your Black girlfriend are down there spic, come show us what your faces look like, I hear from above.

I see the stream of a flashlight and hear shuffling in the sand.

I’m going to take him, David whispers.

Which one? I ask wildly incredulous.

Just back me up, ok? He orders.

I’m unsure if we are going to be able to make it out of here alive but there is a spark of something dark in David’s eyes. Something I haven’t seen before, a latent power that gives me reassurance.

The flashlight is getting closer and I can hear the men breathing as they approach the crevasse. David holds up three fingers and counts down. Before I can object he jumps out of hiding and tackles the short man to the ground and punches him in the face landing his fist with a hard crunch.

Kyle, get this wet back off of me! the Short guy exclaims.

Kyle comes up behind David and tries to tear him off his friend. David rips the camera off of his neck and swings it back nailing shaggy hair in the head. David lands some more punches on the short one and I creep out of the cave.

Maxine! David’s voice, full of alarm and terror rings out in the night nearly obscured by the sound of the crashing waves. He is standing and reaching for my hand we stumble through the sand and up the small path to the plateau. I lose my balance and slide backwards, David turns around to help me up, his DSLR dripping with blood still gripped in his hand. The men are up and back in our faces.

David brings me behind his back and squeezes my hand. I hear a crack when short guy lands a right hook on his cheek and I instinctively pull away throwing David off balance. He ducks dodging the next punch and pulls me off to the side, closer to the edge of the plateau.

The men advance and David kicks at the short one trying to take him down. The tall man hovers over me blood seeping from a gash in his forehead. I kick him in the groin with all my force and he falls backward onto the ground. I see David’s bulky camera and pick it up bringing it down hard on the tall man’s skull. His body goes limp.

There has to be a way out. I look around. I see David being kicked senseless by the man with the buzzcut. I spot a lump covered in sand and drop down and dust off it off. I lift up mass which looks like a jagged piece of concrete and advance to the edge of the plateau.

I breathe in deep and lift the rock above my head and run with all my force toward the short man who stands with his back to the water still kicking David who is nearly knocked out on the dirt below him. I launch the rock at the man and it clips him in the hip. He wails in pain and steps back, wavering on the edge of the plateau.

I reach out my hand as if I could grab his and bring him to equilibrium but he is far away and David is too out of it to help. Before I can call out the stocky man teeters and falls out of sight smacking into the rocks below.

I rush over to David and cup his bloody face in my hands, his eyes are starting to swell and there is a big gash in his lip. The tall man lies in a clump adjacent from David, unconscious, his blonde hair matted with viscous dark blood oozing from his head.

I help David sit he winces with each micro movement. I peer over the edge of the plateau and and see the man sprawled out on the rocks, his stocky body limp and rocking with the water.

David, I say too quietly, David, he fell, he fell. I feel numb and sick, I cover my mouth and close my eyes. My shoulders start to tremble and then heave with sobs as I process the enormity of my actions.

Calm down baby, it’s ok, we’re gonna be ok, David coos. He sits with me for a moment, rubbing his big hands on my bare arms.

I think he’s dead, I finally whisper not wanting to say it aloud. David pauses. The waves thunder toward the shore, rhythmic and certain.

What are we going to do? He asks.

I shake my head at a loss for any kind of plan. I wasn’t prepared to commit manslaughter during my PTO. The waves thrash below us angry and turbulent and it crosses my mind that we could leave them here. No, I brush it off. We should call the police and tell them it was self defense.

Let’s call the police, I stammer. David takes my hand and draws me in.

I’m not sure we should do that sweetie, he sits staring ahead, his ashen and bloodied face glowing in the moonlight.

I take in the sight of him, swollen eyes, bloody nose. We fought for each other tonight. I hope we can do the same tomorrow.

We peer over the edge of the cliff and watch as the short man’s body slides off the rock and is engulfed by the obscure water. I sit back onto the dirt and David wraps his arm around me. I rest my head on his shoulder and wrap my hand firmly around his as we look out into the endless horizon unsure of what the morning will bring.