Nothing More Subjective Than The Truth
My job means that I work with couples during one of the most precious but tumulus periods of their lives. I get to see a range of couples from varied cultural and religious and socioeconomic backgrounds. I see all kinds of dynamics. I see who wears the trousers and when that relationship has no trouser-wearer. I see when everyone involved wears a frilly dress. I see when both people think they have they are clothed in the most amazing new outfit when actually, they are very, very, naked. I see them compliment one another on their new outfits without batting an eyelid. I hear them talk about their partner’s obvious nudity behind their backs.
Most of it, I get. Some of it, I don’t. I mean, the dishonesty baffles me. How could you get to place where you’re planning a major life event like procreation when you know you can’t be honest with that person? I don’t mean when an unplanned pregnancy has occurred in a new relationship and the people involved barely know each other; I’m talking about a couple who have been together for long enough to live together, maybe even own a home together, yet there are major things about your past that you cannot disclose to them. Things that might impact on their wellbeing, or even things that are historical and should have no bearing on them or your current relationship at all. Things that are going to be very hard to keep completely concealed during the pregnancy and doing so might mean those who aren’t aware of the situation are excluded at times to maintain your confidentiality.
Is that a relationship really? When one party is holding back pertinent information? Information pertinent enough that they do not want their supposed life partner to know? Of course it is a relationship, but is it one to respect? To admire? I’m sure we could all find someone willing to nest with us if we told them only the stuff about us that isn’t controversial, if we just kept to the good bits, but that isn’t real. That isn’t two people who have agreed to a shared future. That’s one person tricking someone else into a relationship with a person they don’t really know. Maybe both people are doing it to each other. Either way, it isn’t real. It isn’t admirable.
Of course, health care professionals, for the most part, really do care about you and don’t use the information you have disclosed to judge you. But we are human. So when I know that you’ve never told your partner that you have a lifelong sexually transmitted infection, or used to be an intravenous drug user, or this isn’t your first pregnancy, or maybe even your first baby, but you’re trying to act as if you’re the sweetest, closest couple anyone has ever seen, it’s hard not to mentally facepalm and wonder what the very fuck is missing from your value system. It’s hard to not feel really sorry for the person who doesn’t know when everyone else looking after the couple does know and are keeping it from one half of the dyad. The more you try and pile on the fake, the worse you look.
But what I find most bemusing is wondering how people can form a genuine bond when lies and betrayal are so rampant in the relationship. How can you feel all the things you need to feel in a relationship when you know you’re not being honest? Any of us could secure a partner with lies and wishful thinking about who we are and how we got here, but surely that’s not what you aim for. Surely?
Lying in relationships seems to be commonplace. Some lies are understandable, for instance, I’ve associated with guys who have such archaic views about female sexuality, I can see why women might be compelled to be untruthful about their sexual history, particularly in relation to pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections. Same for men, actually, though women might take issue for slightly different but no less archaic reasons. I’ve even been encouraged to be less forthcoming myself to ensnare people emotionally before they find out something that may have altered their choices. This has been sold to me by liars as an evolutionary tactic to secure a mate. Weird.
The worst thing about people lying when I know they’ve concealed the truth is that it keeps me up at night. I worry about them being found out and all the difficulties and embarrassment and hurt it will cause when they’re probably not even concerned about it. The people they’ve lied to are equally apathetic when they find out. Literally the only person thinking about it, writing about it, consumed by it, is me. For everyone else it’s the norm. For them, there is nothing more subjective than the truth. It’s their truth. It doesn’t have to be true. It just has to work.
