What is the best “Lolita” on Spotify?

Thom Wong
Thom Wong
Aug 8, 2017 · 19 min read

While looking at albums from 2003 to 2008, I came across a band called Throw Me The Statue and their song, “Lolita”. If you asked me to sum up the music scene between those years in a sentence, I would say it was a time during which people thought they could name their band Throw Me The Statue. You could write a pretty strong poem just with band names from that era: Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, You Say Party! We Say Die!, …And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead, Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin.

Anyway, “Lolita” is a pretty good song. Definitely the kind of song I would have listened to in 2008, the year it came out. My search for it on Spotify revealed there are at least eighteen more tracks titled Lolita, which is eighteen more than I’d ever listened to. Which got me wondering — which is the best Lolita on Spotify?

This kind of question requires a rubric, which I’ll break down here:

Is the song about Lolita, the novel by Vladimir Nabokov? (5 points)

If the song is literally the novel set to music, you get 5 points. Everything else is a game of degrees — is the Lolita in the song a child? Is it about a kind of forbidden love? Is someone called Humbert?

Does the music suit the theme of the novel? (5 points)

A bit more subjective than the above. The novel is about a mind tortured by desire that is also entirely self-aware. It’s about societal norms and taboos and innocence and just a wealth of stuff. It’s not, really, about dancing. Or about having a good time. It’s certainly not about getting crunked.

Is the song any good? (2 points)

The most subjective category. Since I heard it first and liked it, Throw Me The Statue gets two points and the other songs are all measured against it.

Other than for this project, would I listen to the song again? (2 points)

Kind of the other question, with the same scale. But a song can be good and I won’t ever revisit it, and, I suppose, the reverse is also true.

Does the singer look like Lolita? (1 point)

A simple yes or no, which automatically eliminates all but the most coquettish men.

Discretionary points for extenuating factors. (5 points)

Is the song shit but feature a Bollywood dance video? Were the performers secretly Russian spies? That’s the kind of stuff we’re talking about here.

Total out of 20.

Here’s a playlist of the songs.

Ash Kidd

This song is in French so I had no idea what he was singing about until I Googled it. (Sidenote: 8 of these tracks are in a language other than English.) From what I can gather, it’s about a lady who lives a bit hard on drugs and alcohol and kind of doesn’t want to be alive.

Is the song about Lolita, the novel by Vladimir Nabokov? (5 points)

No. But it is about a girl and I think the guy kind of loves her so there’s that. 1 point

Does the music suit the theme of the novel? (5 points)

Hmmm. I think a charitable description of this track would be “minimalist”. There’s not a lot of there, there. It starts with a two-note piano line, which gets joined by some electro-bass and then eventually springs into a guitar lick and skittish drums… but by then I was already kind of bored. Is the novel boring? No. o points

Is the song any good? (2 points)

Boring yes, but terrible — no. It’s at least listenable. 1 point

Other than for this project, would I listen to the song again? (2 points)

No. 0 points

Does the singer look like Lolita? (1 point)

He looks like an actor off CSI. 0 points

Discretionary points for extenuating factors. (5 points)

There doesn’t seem to be a music video for it yet (it was released on June 23), but the audio track video on YouTube features a continuously looping clip of him taking a puff from a cigarette. That’s… maybe interesting? 1 point

Total: 3/20

Belinda

Belinda is Belinda Peregrín, a Mexican singer with a vaguely punky vibe. The guitars are a mess is what I’m saying. It sort of sounds like No Doubt if they’d met with Aqua before Barbie Girl and everything was just smashed together without any thought whatsoever.

Is the song about Lolita, the novel by Vladimir Nabokov? (5 points)

No. Belinda sings in Spanish so once again Google provided the goods. A representative lyric:

If you want you can buy me
A blueberry chewing gum
You can not resist
To my heart lenses

Pretty sure something’s getting lost there, but the reference to chewing gum seems to be a nod to being childlike. However, she also talks about vodka shots so who knows. 2 points

Does the music suit the theme of the novel? (5 points)

Only if the novel’s theme is bwaaaaahhhhhh. 0 points

Is the song any good? (2 points)

0 points

Other than for this project, would I listen to the song again? (2 points)

0 points

Does the singer look like Lolita? (1 point)

Generously speaking… yes. 1 point

Discretionary points for extenuating factors. (5 points)

This will seem weird, but the song is so atonal and assaulting it makes me respect it. 2 points

Total: 5/20

Cheap Trick

It’s weird that a band that’s been active since 1973 waited until 2017 to release a song called Lolita, mostly because macking on underage girls was a BIG thing in the 70’s for rock bands.

Is the song about Lolita, the novel by Vladimir Nabokov? (5 points)

Representative lyric:

Late at night I give all my loving to my honey
Babe, tonight I will go out and paint the town
My lady likes to play down there by the shore
She gives me all a man could want and more, oh oh oh oh

Nope. But it’s about a guy who likes to bang his girl and the girl is into it. 2 points

Does the music suit the theme of the novel? (5 points)

You can kind of sell me on the idea that Lolita has a dirty rock vibe if I squint my ears and don’t pay attention for awhile. 1 point

Is the song any good? (2 points)

It’s not terrible. 1 point

Other than for this project, would I listen to the song again? (2 points)

I’d not be infuriated if I was in a bar in a small town and this came on. 1 point

Does the singer look like Lolita? (1 point)

The singer looks like a man who went through the 70’s and 80’s as the lead singer of a rock band. 0 points

Discretionary points for extenuating factors. (5 points)

How is any member of Cheap Trick still alive? 2 points

Total: 7/20

Dream Wife

All girl indie rock outfit. Sort of like a Savages-lite, or a female Franz Ferdinand.

Is the song about Lolita, the novel by Vladimir Nabokov? (5 points)

It’s definitely referencing Lolita in a direct way beyond the name. Representative lyric:

I’ve been your lady
I’ve been your toy
I’ve been your saviour
And I’ve handled it like a boy
I’ve been your lady type
I’ve been your toy
I’ve seen it all
And boy, could I fall

3 points

Does the music suit the theme of the novel? (5 points)

Is Lolita punk? I think she is. But she’s not so much pop punk. Even so, she’d definitely grow up into one of these ladies in the video. 3 points

Is the song any good? (2 points)

It’s a fine slice of British/Icelandic dance guitar. 2 points

Other than for this project, would I listen to the song again? (2 points)

I’ll keep an eye on Dream Wife. 2 points

Does the singer look like Lolita? (1 point)

They all do. That should be worth 3 points. 1 point

Discretionary points for extenuating factors. (5 points)

The aforementioned video is like the Blair Witch Project if the witch was the star. 3 points

Total: 14/20

Elisa’s

The rather oddly named Elisa’s (Elisa’s what? Band? Friends? Hairstyle?) is a “dansband” from Sweden.

Is the song about Lolita, the novel by Vladimir Nabokov? (5 points)

I don’t think so. The song’s in Swedish, but I have a hard time believing something this relentlessly peppy is about sexual morality and identity. Representative lyric:

Hi Hello, Hi, Lolita
They love, need, want you so
Hi, Hi, Hi, Bonita
They will never get you

You’ll spend a sunny day
To a dance band festival
Pack everything that makes you fine
The night it will be yours

Dance band festival! Woop! 0 points

Does the music suit the theme of the novel? (5 points)

No. Aggressively no. 0 points

Is the song any good? (2 points)

It’s relentlessly upbeat drivel, like being force-fed a slushie made from just the syrup. 0 points

Other than for this project, would I listen to the song again? (2 points)

Didn’t even listen to it all the way through. 0 points

Does the singer look like Lolita? (1 point)

Twenty years on when she’s decided to front a “dansband”. So yeah. 1 point

Discretionary points for extenuating factors. (5 points)

Probably could win Eurovision. 1 point

Total: 2/20

Ennio Morricone

This is the theme song to the movie, Lolita, based on the novel by Vladimir Nabokov.

Is the song about Lolita, the novel by Vladimir Nabokov? (5 points)

Well, yes. It absolutely is. Even though it has no lyrics, it’s the movie’s theme. 5 points

Does the music suit the theme of the novel? (5 points)

The track unfolds gently with an underlying sense of unease from the creepy ondes Martenot sounding organ. Also, it’s Ennio freakin’ Morricone. 5 points

Is the song any good? (2 points)

It’s got a Twin Peaks thing going… but you forget it right after hearing it. 1 point

Other than for this project, would I listen to the song again? (2 points)

I’d probably work it into a playlist of something or other. 1 point

Does the singer look like Lolita? (1 point)

There’s no singer, but Ennio Morricone does not look like Lolita. 0 points

Discretionary points for extenuating factors. (5 points)

I’ve never seen the 1997 film starring Jeremy Irons, Melanie Griffith and Dominique Swain. I’m not sure I’d want to see it. Not sure what this has to do with anything, but I think the film connection is worth a couple of points. 2 points

Total: 14/20

Harris Jayaraj, Karthik, Prashanthini

A love song from the movie Engeyum Kadhal. I don’t know what the song is about because I couldn’t find lyrics anywhere. But based on the (lovingly choreographed) music video, it’s about a man trying to win the affections of a young lady in Paris. Also, the man is super annoying.

Is the song about Lolita, the novel by Vladimir Nabokov? (5 points)

It absolutely couldn’t be. Unless the Hindi translation features a lot of dance routines. 0 points

Does the music suit the theme of the novel? (5 points)

While it’s my firm belief that Bollywood suits almost anything, it’s hard to imagine a less appropriate style of music for Lolita. Except maybe Swedish dansband. 0 points

Is the song any good? (2 points)

It’s very catchy and the dancing is awesome. I know you can’t conflate a music video’s quality with a song’s worth, and I’ve just done that. 2 points

Other than for this project, would I listen to the song again? (2 points)

Probably not, unless I needed some inspiration for a big music number. Which who knows? 1 point

Does the singer look like Lolita? (1 point)

No. 0 points

Discretionary points for extenuating factors. (5 points)

Did I mention two of the dancers in the video have dreads? They do. 3 points

Total: 6/20

Kali

Polish hiphop!

Is the song about Lolita, the novel by Vladimir Nabokov? (5 points)

Nope. It’s from a concept album called Krime Story based on a novel by the same name. It’s about a guy who falls into a life of hedonistic destruction. Which I guess sort of sounds like Lolita. 1 point

Does the music suit the theme of the novel? (5 points)

Representative lyric:

Mirror, tell me who’s not beautiful
Lolita
She is chewing herself, feeding like sugar candida
Flies without angel wings muscled purple clouds
It’s a matter of time when it will stretch and break the strings

Even accounting for translation issues, you gotta admit those are some crazy ass metaphors. Not Nabokov at all, but they aspire to something greater. The music is terrible. 1 point

Is the song any good? (2 points)

No, it’s really bad. 0 points

Other than for this project, would I listen to the song again? (2 points)

Not even for money. 0 points

Does the singer look like Lolita? (1 point)

He kind of looks like Ninja from Die Antwoord. 0 points

Discretionary points for extenuating factors. (5 points)

A bit of research tells me that Kali mostly raps about hard issues like domestic violence, poverty, and addiction. With that in mind, Polish rap is hilarious. 2 points

Total: 4/20

Knee High Fox

Definitely the dumbest name of the group. I think the lead singer is trying to be a female Marilyn Manson. They seem to have built their entire identity around seeming hard and dangerous, but their music is pure pop with some swearing and sexual imagery chucked in.

Is the song about Lolita, the novel by Vladimir Nabokov? (5 points)

Yep. The first verse starts with

Watch my lips lick that lollipop in panties and a crop top
Hope this indie summer never ends
I like my men old enough they’re good with their hands and stuff
I like you when I know you’re giving in

Which, finally. Except their interpretation of Lolita kind of begins and ends there. For example the chorus is

Call me Lo (Lo!) Lo (Lo!) getting low Lolita getting low Lolita
Call me Lo (Lo!) Lo (Lo!) getting low Lolita getting low Lolita
(Get it get it)

Like… what? 4 points

Does the music suit the theme of the novel? (5 points)

Make no mistake about it — this is bad music. Really bad. 0 points

Is the song any good? (2 points)

Hahahahahahahahaha. №0 points

Other than for this project, would I listen to the song again? (2 points)

Please god no. 0 points

Does the singer look like Lolita? (1 point)

She is definitely female. 1 point

Discretionary points for extenuating factors. (5 points)

That one of the songs to overtly reference Lolita would also be this bad is unfortunate. I want to take points off for that. 0 points

Total: 5/20

Kryštof

Czech pop!

Is the song about Lolita, the novel by Vladimir Nabokov? (5 points)

Almost certainly. He name drops Nabokov in the lyrics, and in the music video he drugs a girl so she falls asleep. Although the lyrics also include these gems:

I am the scent you swim,
When I walk through You with my heart,
I’m a game you do not play,
I have nothing to lose in my hand.

Sure brah. But the name drop though… 5 points

Does the music suit the theme of the novel? (5 points)

I would classify Kryštof as Coldplay-esque. It’s sort of wallpaper music, and Lolita is not wallpaper. It’s a unicorn ice sculpture in the centre of the room that’s on fire. 0 points

Is the song any good? (2 points)

It’s not any bad, which in this group is saying something. 1 point

Other than for this project, would I listen to the song again? (2 points)

Not unless I was all out of Coldplay. And I’m never out of Coldplay. 0 points

Does the singer look like Lolita? (1 point)

If you squint and kind of shake your head about, he looks like Ryan Goslings substitute teaching brother. 0 points

Discretionary points for extenuating factors. (5 points)

I’m struggling to remember this song. 0 points

Total: 6/20

La+ch

A Toronto multi-instrumentalist producer who sings like he’s having his balls intermittently attacked by a hamster.

Is the song about Lolita, the novel by Vladimir Nabokov? (5 points)

I don’t know what this song is about. It’s mostly noise with some scattered shrieking.

Gotta, tell you all about
We are coming, they are not
Let me tell you, been done before
Better, sweeter, beautiful
Gotta tell you all about
We are coming, they are not
Let me tell you, done before
Better, sweeter, beautiful
(Loli, Loli, Loli, Loli, Lolita)
(Loli, Loli, Lolita, ahhh, ah, ah)
(lolita, lolita, lolita, lolita, ahhh)

What? Sidenote: many of the songs on this list seem to think Lolita is a good enough word on its own to just sing it repeatedly rather than write lyrics. Just repeat the first syllable as many times as you like and hey presto you have a song! Lololololo.

The website Earmilk says, “The track blends experimental vocals, early dub-step beats and R&B silk, creating a rich, lush ear-catching soundscape.”

It sure the fuck does not. It simply doesn’t. Get the fuck out of here. 0 points

Does the music suit the theme of the novel? (5 points)

If Lolita was set in an insane asylum that was holding a rave, yes. 0 pints

Is the song any good? (2 points)

Lonely Island couldn’t make an EDM spoof this hilarious. But hilarious does not mean good. 0 points

Other than for this project, would I listen to the song again? (2 points)

At the 2:11 mark the music drops out, the song slows down, and La+ch starts treating us to an acapella falsetto where he repeats over and over “I feel it, I feel it now. I feel it, I feel it naahhhwwwww.” What he feels is left to our imagination. I imagine he’s feeling the cold steel of a fork I’m slowly driving into his eye. 0 points

Does the singer look like Lolita? (1 point)

He looks like a parody of a DJ. 0 points

Discretionary points for extenuating factors. (5 points)

I hate this song completely. 0 points

Total: 0/20 (which is too high)

Lana Del Rey

The American Morrissey, at least according to Pitchfork. I liked Video Games off the same album quite a bit. She’s ok.

Is the song about Lolita, the novel by Vladimir Nabokov? (5 points)

I think it is, lightly. Representative lyrics:

No more skipping rope
Skipping heartbeats with the boys downtownv

I want my cake and I want to eat it too
I want to have fun and be in love with you
I know that I’m a mess with my long hair
And my suntan, short dress, bare feet

But the narrator is a bit too self-aware, and there are some very loose metaphors flying about, to say for sure. 2 points

Does the music suit the theme of the novel? (5 points)

Compared to the very tight production of Video Games, this song is a sonic mess. Compared to the other songs on this list, however, it’s a masterpiece. That aside, it’s a bit try hard, like on the 14th song of the album the producers just started chucking everything into the mix. 2 points

Is the song any good? (2 points)

After La+ch it was a much needed aural cleansing. On its own it’s aight. 1 point

Other than for this project, would I listen to the song again? (2 points)

After this project I might not listen to any music ever again. 0 points

Does the singer look like Lolita? (1 point)

I think we can safely say Lana Del Rey is actively trying to look like Lolita. 1 point

Discretionary points for extenuating factors. (5 points)

So there’s a demo version of Lolita (which was then titled Lolyta) bumping around… and it’s pretty good. It has a kind of mod beat and bass vibe with a big band feel. Cinematic is the word I’d use. But I guess they wanted her to be less Francois Hardy and more… whatever she ended up being. Anyway, it’s a nice track. 3 points

Total: 9/20

Leah Labelle

Leah has two songs on Spotify. One is Lolita. The other is called Sexify. That’s pretty much all you need to know about Leah Labelle.

Is the song about Lolita, the novel by Vladimir Nabokov? (5 points)

No. With that out of the way, can we just talk about how relentlessly average this song is? I cannot believe anyone responsible for this song at any time thought they were making something good. It’s oppressively average. Representative lyric:

Am I the aim of your fascination?
Am I the eye of your storm?
You call my name like an affirmation
You’re coming right for my door
With your briefcase and your lust
You want a schoolboy kind of crush

Did they write this by pulling words out of a hat?

“Ok, he’s showing up like a storm, just swirling around. We need a word that really captures what he’s bringing…”
(reaches into hat)
“Briefcase. Nailed it.”

The song on its own has an extensive Wikipedia page, where we learn that Pharrell Williams produced it (!!!). There’s an entire paragraph dedicated to the song’s reception. Which leads me to ask: Did Labelle write this page herself?

And this note on the video…

“In the video, LaBelle plays the part of Lolita, defined as a “badass baby girl”, and seduces boys in her neighborhood. The video reverses the imagery of the heart-shaped glasses from Stanley Kubrick’s 1962 film Lolita, by having the shirtless men wear them as they pursue LaBelle.”

Never have so many words been used in the service of so little. 0 points

Does the music suit the theme of the novel? (5 points)

Humbert Humbert is known to like a nice briefcase. 0 points

Is the song any good? (2 points)

No. 0 points

Other than for this project, would I listen to the song again? (2 points)

No. 0 points

Does the singer look like Lolita? (1 point)

Maybe. I don’t care. 0 points

Discretionary points for extenuating factors. (5 points)

Seems Labelle is both Canadian and a former American Idol contestant. 0 points

Total: 0/20

Paul White

A UK hiphop producer, in the vein of say J Dilla.

Is the song about Lolita, the novel by Vladimir Nabokov? (5 points)

It’s an instrumental track, so it’s really hard to say. What I do know is this is really nice stuff. This guy gives a fuck about music, if not about his literary references being accurate. 0 points

Does the music suit the theme of the novel? (5 points)

Hell yes! Well, maybe not. But it’s good and that’s what matters now. 3 points

Is the song any good? (2 points)

Yes thank god. 2 points

Other than for this project, would I listen to the song again? (2 points)

I’ve added Paul White to my Unsorted playlist which is getting massive and useless. 2 points

Does the singer look like Lolita? (1 point)

No, he sort of looks like someone who would make you a really nice flat white. 0 points

Discretionary points for extenuating factors. (5 points)

Can I just say again that this is a really nice song? It’s not amazing but it sounds like Paul White actually cares about your listening experience. 2 points

Total: 9/20

Souf

(Big sigh).

Is the song about Lolita, the novel by Vladimir Nabokov? (5 points)

Representative lyric:

She is so beautiful, she has style
She has taste for everything that shines

Do people using Lolita as a generic female name know what Lolita is about? I’m guessing not. Which seems insane to me. If you’re just going to write a generic pop song about a generic lady who is generically sexy and I guess dangerous because she’s sexy can’t you do that WITHOUT referencing one of the greatest novels of all time that happens to involve paedophelia? 0 points

Does the music suit the theme of the novel? (5 points)

Does the Pope shit in the woods? Wait, is the answer to that yes or no? Whatever. 0 points

Is the song any good? (2 points)

Why do these songs exist? Why does fake butter exist? 0 points

Other than for this project, would I listen to the song again? (2 points)

I don’t understand music. 0 points

Does the singer look like Lolita? (1 point)

0 points

Discretionary points for extenuating factors. (5 points)

Souf — you are bad people. 0 points

Total: 0/20

Stereophonics

The Stereophonics is both a Welsh band (hey Wales!) and the writers of my top song in the category of Music That Would Be Playing At The End of a Movie Where the Lead Characters Fall in Love and Drive Away in a Car. (A surprisingly vital music category.)

Is the song about Lolita, the novel by Vladimir Nabokov? (5 points)

I’m pretty sure Kelly Jones, lead singer of Stereophonics, knows what Lolita is about. This song does not reflect that knowledge. I should also point out that Jones was 31 when this song came out. He’s not an old man. But he sounds ANCIENT on this. Dead tired. Representative lyric:

Drank beer from a stolen can
Smoke cigarettes when we can
Because we like to

And out of ideas. 0 points

Does the music suit the theme of the novel? (5 points)

This song sounds a lot like Train, and I don’t think that’s a compliment. 0 points

Is the song any good? (2 points)

It’s not as bad as other songs that scored zero here. 1 point

Other than for this project, would I listen to the song again? (2 points)

I’d just put on Pick a Part That’s New (the aforementioned song) and call it a day. 0 points

Does the singer look like Lolita? (1 point)

Kelly Jones is a good looking man. 0 points

Discretionary points for extenuating factors. (5 points)

I really love Pick a Part That’s New. 0 points

Total: 1/20

Throw Me The Statue

The song that started it all. Let’s have a listen!

Is the song about Lolita, the novel by Vladimir Nabokov? (5 points)

Representative lyric:

She was nineteen and we all rearrange.

Nope. 0 points

Does the music suit the theme of the novel? (5 points)

This song sounds like Thom Wong’s musical interests circa 2004. Handclaps. Xylophone. Skittering drum. Yelpy vocals. Straight ahead guitar strumming. I really like it, but it’s not very Lolita. 0 points

Is the song any good? (2 points)

I really like it. 2 points

Other than for this project, would I listen to the song again? (2 points)

I’m listening to it right now. 2 points

Does the singer look like Lolita? (1 point)

Not strictly speaking, no. 0 points

Discretionary points for extenuating factors. (5 points)

This song is so representative of a time of my life it’s weird to just be discovering it now. 2 points

Total: 6/20

Young Gun Silver Fox

Weird name for a relentlessly normal band that wouldn’t be out of place on a senior’s cruise.

Is the song about Lolita, the novel by Vladimir Nabokov? (5 points)

In this song, Lolita is a hitchhiker. And at the beginning of the song, the narrator says, “Lolita, what’s your name?”

You just said it. You just said, “NAME, what is your name?” He also calls her cool as a refrigerator. 0 points.

Does the music suit the theme of the novel? (5 points)

It’s terrible. 0 points

Is the song any good? (2 points)

Terrible. 0 points

Other than for this project, would I listen to the song again? (2 points)

I hate that I listened to it even once. 0 points

Does the singer look like Lolita? (1 point)

He looks like the demon in Twin Peaks who kills people. 0 points

Discretionary points for extenuating factors. (5 points)

Of all the songs that scored zero on this, this is the worst. It is the driest falafel of songs. 0 points

Total: 0/20

WINNER

So it’s pretty clear that as this got to Biblical length in terms of word count I became much stricter about whether a song was about the novel Lolita. And I’m fine with that, because ultimately it wouldn’t have changed the outcome.

Two songs scored 14 so they’re the finalists. We have Dream Wife up against Ennio Morricone.

Dream Wife scored big with a version that’s punk and good and has the right references and a weird music video. Morricone scored big by doing the score for the movie.

Which means the nod goes to… Dream Wife. Congratulations. You have the best Lolita on Spotify.

Thom Wong

Written by

Thom Wong

Touching words inappropriately.