Willy Wonka bananas

Willy Wonka became a frugal and frail old man as the years passed. No longer able to manage his chocolate factory like he used to. He paced the sweet filled factory and tried to make sense of his business through his old age.

His factory, now run by seven oompa loompers and a black pinstripe suited manager brought in because of health and safety concerns over an open chocolate river which posed multiple risks to the staff. It later transpired that the river was in fact the factories sewage system and a series of fatal accidents involving children had occurred in it — after having mistaken the sewage for chocolate. Local investigations revealed several of the ingredients in the sweets and chocolate had effects similar to lysergic acid diethylamide. It wasn’t until Wonka made an appearance on the news to announce his newest release — space man marshmallow balls — that officers were truly aware of the extent of the problem.

After further investigations and interviews of Wonka, their efforts paid off. As he later directed them to a series of underground bunkers beneath his factory that had been filled with the skins and skeletons of dead children, apparently he said ‘ the oompa loompers’ loved every bit of them. One officer noted that the bunker had also contained a decent quantity of white powder in plastic bags that tested positive as cocaine. Wonka denied it even after admitting it. Police arrested him. He now sits in the cell, with his lawyer as he awaits his most sensationalised trial.

“Guilty,” Wonka says to his cross eyed lawyer wearing large thin rimmed spectacles. The men are inches apart, as Wonka reaches into his left pocket of his purple long coat to pull out his lighter. Unaware that his cigarettes were laced with crack. He lights, tokes and his head spins. “Woah, strong stuff.” His lawyer gawps at him, jotting down a series of scribbles on his notepad.

“Is it true you laced your sweets with LSD?” the lawyer asks. Wonka swallows his crack cigarette and coughs. “Come on, tell me.”

Wonka stands but wobbles against the concrete wall. “Do you like sweets?”

His lawyer nods. “Yes of course.”

“You’re too fat to be eating sweets,” Wonka croaks as he fingers his nose. His hunch cracks as he moves toward the cell bars. “If a unicorn…” he whispers as he looks blankly into the waiting room… “comes to town, and you see a bunch of hoodlums spiking the beans, do you make a move?”

His lawyer shakes his head, “ no.” Wonka jumps back in revolt and shakes his hands in the air.

“No, you can be a chess piece when you stir the ingredients,” he calls out, yelling at the loose hung light on the ceiling. “You can be a unicorn in the factory.” His voice echoes across the cell, quickly dampened.

“What?” he lawyer asks, and then places his note pad in his lap. “Just give me the drugs, Wonka!”

Wonka sits beside his lawyer, wraps his purple coated arm around him. his thin white hair and wrinkled skin sag as he moves in close. “I put more than LSB in the sweets. I eviscerated my oompa loompas and fed them in chocolate bars to little kids.”

His lawyer flinched back and then vomited on the floor. Officers began to shout in the distant hallway before emerging and running for Wonka’s cell. They wielded their large batons. “Bring it on,” Wonka remarks. He holds his hands together, and chants some incoherent sounds. Like magic, a Wonka chocolate bar appears in front of him, floating in the air. “Tasty treats.”

The officers freeze at the cell and gasp in amazement as a series of chocolate bars appear in thin air and then one by one begin to shoot at the police. Wonka’s lawyer crawls to the door, bawling for help. “You can’t escape my chocolate you fat pig.” Wonka waves his hand at his lawyer and the chubby man shoots into the air, and is suddenly consumed by a rain shower of chocolate, covering his body until nothing is left to see. The cloud of chocolate then splashes down and the lawyer now tranformed into a 5 by 5 pack of… Wonka green chocolate. “Wonka is the winner,” he chants, until suddenly he is whisked back into his factory.