Everything You Need to Know About Plants

Plants are a really cool and mysterious thing to have around you at all times. They’re like dandruff, but good. When I see a Plant, I never think, “not in my world.” In fact, I think the opposite. I see a Plant and think, “they should make a movie about that.” Because movies run the world.

Now let’s get into some Plant basics that only a very few select people in the universe know.

Plants are green.

Plants sometimes are not green.

There you have it. A tidal wave of information. I often reminisce about times when I didn’t understand what a Plant was. Not. Any. More.

How about some tips on making your Plant look like a celebrity? Okay.

Plants want a lot of water.

Almost as much as the ocean. So pour at least one gallon of water on top of your plant, making sure to soak all the leaves even the ugly ones. Do this two to three times a day and even more on the weekends.

Plants like big dirt, too.

Clumpy dirt that has worms in it. Worms are tiny snakes with heads on both sides of their body. Worms are nature’s horses and live inside clumps of dirt to protect themselves from predators like hamsters and drones.

Plants eat dirt.

People don’t. HAHA unless they’re friggin’ nuts! But seriously, Plants love mud and stuff so cover them up in it.

Don’t eat your Plant.

When I was a kid I once saw a man loitering and I asked him for some Big League Chew. He said I had to wait until the doctors removed all my mouth gear. So I asked to lean on that pole with him. And he said, “it’s not a pole, it’s a tree, you idiot kid.” He chased me down with his pickup truck. Now I love trees as much as I love Plants.

Trees are big Plants that birds use to store their eggs.

My favorite Plants look like people and talk. They wear sunglasses and dance and sing and play guitar.

What’s your favorite Plant? Share in the comments!