His name is Bob, and this is an ode to my wife’s best friend.
Bob is a personal vibrator that lives in a drawer surrounded by nice underwear.
His real pedigree is as a Hitachi Magic Wand with Free Wand Essential Travel Massager, but that was all too much to mumble on short notice for my wife, so he was named Bob, and Bob he has remained. Much easier to simply yell, “Now is the time, go get Bob!” instead of, “Honey, would you please go get the Hitachi Magic Wand with Free Wand Essentials Travel Massager out of the drawer?”
Bob has traveled the world, been on cruises, stayed at nice hotels, been waved in the air at TSA checkpoints, plunged to the ground when a travel bag ripped, but was retrieved by a snickering Uber driver, and overall, Bob has had an extremely nice life. He has been places we only tell the kids about, and he has seen the world while the rest of the family remains stuck at home barely crossing a state line now and then.
There was the one incident in central London, however, where Bob’s American voltage didn’t quite match the European flow, and even with an adapter, Bob managed to blow the power for the entire third floor of a small boutique hotel for over three hours.
The iron was blamed and sent to the closet, and Bob escaped unharmed, but the rest of the trip was a little frustrating since Bob was then banished to his home amongst the underwear for the remainder of the trip. His usual travel companion, Little Bob, the wireless offspring that has set a million women free to enjoy the world, ranging from airplane bathrooms to deserted beaches, did not make the London trip, but after that he too has a treasured place amongst the underwear in our suitcases.
And man, can Bob party! He has seen late night champagne parties, been dipped in wine, might have accidently (yeah, we will go with accidently) been covered in chocolate (at least Bob’s hat) and has seen the sun rise in a number of different countries.
Bob is the ultimate travel companion, never complaining, always happy to jump in as needed, occasionally several times a day when everyone, including Bob, was younger, and for the most part has survived as my wife’s best friend outlasting work buddies, tennis girlfriends and neighbors who have come and gone through life through the years. Friends are for a glass of wine now, but Bob, good old Bob, he is forever.
My wife and daughter also seem to spend a great deal of time over glasses of wine discussing Bob and his many friends found on the women’s sites where you can buy such “toys,” as they are called by the socially responsible trying to be polite in a room full of drunken women.
Every woman seems to have her special friend, and while it is hard to believe, every single one of their “friends” seems to have their own special name as well. “Amande” was mentioned in reverence by a group of women tennis players, ranging in age from 20 something to over 50 something, who were happily sipping nice chardonnay by the bottle, but while a legend amongst the tennis set, I still can’t tell if he is of Bob’s personal toy family or is a “pool boy” yet to be discovered?
But then Bob died.
Bob went to vibrator heaven November of last year, hopefully to help that discerning woman in eternity find that, “I really am just happier with my electronic friend and a glass of good wine and think I will just skip the guy part” special evening. We hope she names him Bob.
The first issue is what do you do with a dead vibrator, one that has been such a personal friend for so many years? Do you just put him in the desk drawer with the old phones? Does he get moved to the back of the underwear drawer remaining a trusted friend, but now retired to rest forever? Or do we bury him in the yard next to the palm where a dozen or so assorted guinea pigs are resting for eternity? No, sadly, he just got chucked into the trash and was sent off to the landfill to join other dead, and now long forgotten, technology that shines new, but is dead beyond dead when it stops working.
The good news is that Amazon, in all of its wisdom of the shopping couple at home who drink heavily and then order, just happened to have a: Therapeutic Massager Handheld Cordless Wand-Powerful 8 Speeds 20 Vibrating Patterns-USB Rechargeable-Magic Recovery Effect for Body-Back Neck Shoulder Feet-Rose Red.
Hotel power issues, and the embarrassing call to the front desk that my wife shut down yet another small family hotel with the “iron” solved, and who knew you could actually use those things on the back, neck and shoulders?
And yes, his name is Bob and my wife thinks he is quite beautiful.