Daycare (or, where the hell did my money go?)

Thomas Verstynen
Jul 20, 2017 · 6 min read

When you become a parent, there are certain things that people who are already parents feel like they need to tell you. They always seem to think they are the first ones to tell you these little pearls of wisdom. Undoubtedly they do this just to be friendly or give you fair warning of what you’re getting yourself into but it can get a little annoying.

“Get a good night’s sleep when you can.”

Yes, kids wake up when they get hungry or they think there’s a monster under their bed or they just don’t want their parents to sleep as punishment for bringing them into this cruel world. I understand that.

“You are going to be changing so many diapers.”

Are you shitting me? You’re telling me that kids shit a lot? I don’t believe that shit!

Shit.

“Say goodbye to having a life!”

HA! Jokes on you. I never had one in the first place.

Whenever you get this advice, you typically just nod politely or give a small laugh and ask the person if they brought any gifts to your baby shower. If the answer is no, you kick them the hell out.

When my wife surprised me on December 1, 2014 (yes, I’ll always remember that day) and told me she was pregnant, I had a pretty idea of what I was getting myself into. I had always wanted children and considered myself prepared for the ups and downs that were coming our way. We would be stressed and we would be sleepless, mindless drones whose sole purpose on this earth was to keep a tiny human alive and there would be days where we couldn’t stand each other and days where the only thing that mattered in this life is the time when we could cuddle up with our child on the couch and kiss her on the cheeks and tell her we loved her.

I couldn’t have been more psyched.

All that being said, I do feel like I have to impart some wisdom on you brand new parents. I know this makes me slightly hypocritical but I am totally okay with that. You are talking to a man who didn’t begin rooting for the Celtics until 2008, the Seahawks until 2013 and the Warriors as of two months ago. My values shift with the wind.

So here you go: daycare is expensive!

No, it really f’ing is!

Seriously, I had no idea.

It’s not just expensive. It is so damn expensive. How expensive you may ask? I’ll give you an exercise. Go to the nearest ATM, take out $250, buy a lighter and ignite that cash on the spot. Now do that for every week for the entire year until you’re homeless and wondering what the hell happened to your life.

How expensive is it? You suddenly find yourself in the middle of ridiculous arguments with your spouse about how to make a crap-ton of money in the quickest way possible.

“We need a million dollar idea, babe.”

“I know we do. We talked about this last night.”

“Yeah and it was your turn last night and all you could come up with is an app that makes fart sounds.”

“Well, I was pretty damn proud of that idea. What’s yours? This isn’t all on me you know.”

“Maybe we can make an app…”

“ENOUGH WITH THE APPS!”

Yes, daycare is expensive. We take our child three times a week to a pretty decent place. It’s modern and large and they teach the kids Spanish. Every time I walk in everything is just so perfect. For example, at the daycare I snuck in and watched my child actually eating quietly in one place instead of throwing everything on the floor and sneaking pickles to our dog. We love it there but the place is pretty costly and I don’t even think we are on the high end of daycare facilities.

So as a parent who is condescendingly talking to you, the future parents of America, I feel like I can offer some advice that may help you save money. These are just five tiny suggestions that can help you save here and there. This way, when you’re checking out a new daycare and inspecting the place like the warden in Shawshank, you’ll be prepared to make the best financial decision for you and your family.

Rule #1: A building is important. Make sure the place has at least four walls and a roof. Actually, roofs are overrated and it’s important for kids to get vitamin D. So maybe just four walls to let the sun in. You know what? Walls are just restraints on a kid’s imagination. So no roof and no walls. All you really need is a sandbox and an old, poorly constructed playground. That should do the trick.

Rule #2: A water source. Remember, kids should never drink from stagnant pools of water. So make sure there’s at least one source of water and ask if it flows at a decent rate. Even if it’s coming out of a busted faucet or just leaking from a rusted pipe, it should be good.

Rust is a good source of protein

Rule #3: Food mountain. It is important that children learn how to share at a young age but it is even more important that they learn how to survive. Learning how to fight for every scrap of food and steal it away from the other kids will teach them how to survive the impending zombie apocalypse. Plus, how are they ever going to climb up the corporate ladder if they never had to steal a half-eaten bologna sandwich out of little Bobby’s hands? It’s all the same mindset.

Rule #4: Exercise. Let’s face it, you’re a busy person. You wake up early in the morning, swallow a cup of Keurig coffee and you show up to an 8–5 job which doesn’t appreciate you the way it should. You don’t get home until 6 and then you spend the next few hours trying to exorcise demons out of your child’s body. By nine o’clock, you’re ready to collapse on your way up the stairs to your bedroom. So you definitely don’t have time to take your child to karate classes or something that will wear them out. In that case make sure your daycare has a training facility on site. A Thunderdome-like structure in the middle of the daycare shows that they are focused on raising healthy, able-bodied fighters…I mean, kids.

This dude gets it.

Rule #5: Sleeping areas. Like every human being, kids like to take naps in the middle of the day. Some daycares have nap rooms where all the curtains block out any light and classical music is pumped through high quality speakers. This is highly overrated. All a child really needs is a cardboard box and some hay to use for a pillow. And make sure the daycare provides the boxes so you don’t have to bring them in every day. That’s how they nickle and dime you.

If it’s good enough for Rover, it’s good enough for your child.

Take these rules and imprint them on your brain and there is no doubt in my mind that they will save money for you and your family. In turn, that’s cash you can invest into your child’s 529 college fund. Or, you can just say that you’re putting it into a college fund and then blame the stock market when your kid graduates from high school. You can’t hear their angry yells when you and your wife are 35,000 feet in the air and on your way to the Amalfi coast.

I hope this financial advice works for you and your family but if your spouse wonders where the hell you came up with the idea to take your child to a place where baby fights occur in a giant steel orb, you send them my way. I’ll be happy to explain.

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