Every Dumb Article Written about Millennials in the Workplace: GAH, JUST STOP IT ALREADY!

Thomas Verstynen
Jul 24, 2017 · 7 min read

(Inspired by really stupid and predictable articles you can find anywhere on the internet but especially LinkedIn)

GO TO HELL TIME! AND OF COURSE WE’RE GOING TO SAVE YOU ALL! YOU LEFT US NO OTHER OPTION! GAHHHHHHHHHHHH

When I walk into his office, Seth Perkins is relaxed. His Doc Martins are kicked up on a glass desk as he listens to music on his Beats headphones. He strokes his thick mustache as if he’s in deep thought, looking more like a beatnik poet then the president of a multi-million dollar company. There is a zen garden in the corner which looks like an exhibit straight out of the MOMA. A french press filled with what I imagine is gourmet coffee is placed next to his Macbook. His laptop is covered in stickers that say “COEXIST” and “FREE TIBET” and “DOWN WITH CAPITALISM.” These stickers contrast with the large Che Guevara poster hanging on the wall but I hesitate to ask him about it.

When he sees me, he holds his index finger up and closes his eyes, going back to whatever meditative place he was in before I interrupted him.

Seth Perkins is the president and founder of Orion’s Grooming Supplies, a surprising overnight success story here in Silicon Valley. Well, maybe it’s not so surprising when you think of the modern workforce. Taking a look back to even just a few decades ago men were expected to be clean shaven and dressed in a suit and tie. That expectation, much like a regular coffee maker, has been thrown right out the window.

Nowadays many male workers, especially those who belong to the Millennial generation, sport facial hair at work. It is not uncommon to find beards that go down to one’s chest or groomed handlebar moustaches walking up and down the halls of Apple, Facebook and Oracle.

So Seth, a college dropout from Redmond, Washington who is known for riding his unicycle to work, found a niche amongst valley billionaires. By selling facial hair supplies directly to the residents of San Jose, his business has grown exponentially. From making homemade products in his parents garage to having one of the finer office buildings in northern California, Seth’s startup is an unusual success story.

After a few moments, he finally takes off his headphones and I can hear the faint melodies of Bon Iver playing until he turns them off. “Welcome, Mr. Richardson. Please sit. Would you like something to drink? I can have my assistant bring you some lavender mint tea or freshly squeezed apricot-kale juice,” he asks as he wipes the remains of avocado toast from his beard. I politely shake my head no and bring out my old-fashioned notebook. Seth looks at it like some strange alien creature has never seen before.

I’ve come to Orion’s Grooming Supplies, Inc., to find out what makes the Millennial generation tick. What are their motivations and goals and ambitions? Or, more importantly, do they have any motivations or goals or ambitions in the first place?

Being a Millennial himself, Seth has made it a priority to hire people his age without breaking any of the rules surrounding employment law. “Of course, we’ll hire any able bodied and qualified person but we are looking for fresh, young perspectives to make this business grow. Our business philosophy is to stay woke so we need to be me mindful of the young, diverse generation around us and what they can bring to the table,” he says. His eyes go back to the fidget spinner in between his fingers.

Seth’s company has found how to attract and, most importantly, retain Millennials to a degree that most companies only dream about. In fact, many CEO’s from companies like Starbucks and Tesla have flocked to Seth’s office to learn the ways of this management guru.

Of course, Millennials have long been known as a selfish generation. They are social media savvy and have an entitlement mindset. A significant portion of the generation live at home with their parents after being saddled with student loan debt and useless liberal arts degrees. Many have not cracked open a book in the past year unless it was written by JK Rowling or James Franco. They have come to cities like San Francisco and Seattle in hopes to be picked up by a Fortune 100 company with desires of making the next great app. On subways, you can usually spot one one wearing a pair of skinny jeans and a tailored flannel shirt.

“The key to our success is understanding the Millennial mindset,” Seth tells me.

“And what do you mean by that?”

“Your mind has to be open. It’s, like, not all about the paycheck anymore. It’s more about, like, feelings and emotions. It’s about open work spaces and flexible, if non-existent, work schedules. It’s about offering the benefits that, like, no other company offers. ” When it comes to all of this, Orion is lightyears ahead of other companies.

The company’s office building has no offices, other than Seth’s, and no doors. There is a wide open space on the first floor where employees can gather for “brainstorm” sessions. However, Seth prefers the term “collective thought gatherings” as he does not like the violent imagery associated with the word “storm.” There is an onsite Starbucks and Jamba Juice. Every morning employees are expected to take part in a Tai Chi lesson put on by a local sensei. In each corner there is a Thought Cube; a soundproof, plastic bubble where one can go to meditate or take a nap or simply ponder their existence in the middle of their four-hour workday. Outside the office space, a herd of billy goats acts like the company’s landscaping company. Amazingly, these goats also substitute as emotional support animals for when things get tense around the office. Seth tells me the story of how he used the goats to perform conflict resolution when one employee accused another of stealing his hand-knit beanie.

As far as benefits go, there is no competition. Of course Orion offers the basic medical, dental and 401k package that you can find practically anywhere else. However, it also gives parents-to-be two years of parental leave, four if they have twins. It just doesn’t offer tuition reimbursement to its employees, it allows them 4 year sabbaticals so they can focus on their degrees. There is a weekly stipend that pays for employee streaming subscriptions such as Netflix, Spotify and Pandora. On Fridays, each employee receives a blessing bag on their way out the door. These bags are filled with a myriad of goodies including e-cigarettes and essential oils.

Millennials are a unique generation to work with. Mostly known for instant gratification, many want to be paid without putting in a 40 hour work week. Surveys have revealed that a majority of Millennials support a living wage and the right to wear jeans on days other than Friday. Many want maternity leave and some have even had the gall to demand paternity leave, leaving this reporter to wonder what good a dad can possibly do around the house. This generation has presented a huge challenge to CEO’s everywhere as they watch more Baby Boomers leaving the workforce only to be substituted by a generation more obsessed with its arm-length tattoos then getting a promotion.

“It’s not about the work,” Seth says as he writes in his journal. “It’s about the experience. It’s about how we treat the employees, not the customers. Getting paid is second to being emotionally whole.”

“How do you make sure the job gets done?” I ask.

“If you’re asking that question, then you don’t understand.”

“I don’t understand wh…”

“You just don’t understand.” As he shakes his head, he walks over to an old-fashioned record player and puts on a vinyl of Florence and the Machine covers. The record scratches before a haunting voice fills the room. “Here, everything you need to know about our company is in this book.”

In my lap lands a paperback collection of Ralph Waldo Emerson poems. I ask him what his favorite one is but he doesn’t answer. Instead, he plays with one of the ten Kabbalah bracelets that rest on his arm and looks out the window to the flurry of activity below. In the main space some employees are running around, shooting Nerf guns at each other while others are playing Fussball as they sip their organic lattes.

“Before I leave, I have one more question. What is the key to Orion’s success?”

Seth smiles and like a monk, he calmly speaks, “It is our connection to humanity and the earth.”

“But what does that have to deal with beard oil?”

“Thank you for coming in.”

As I leave Orion, a young white man with dreadlocks hands me a blessing bag. When I get to my car, I anxiously open it to find the entire collection of Game of Thrones and an assortment of organic fruits and vegetables. I laugh as I toss the bag into the passenger seat and drive off the Orion campus, narrowly avoiding a herd of goats who are napping alongside the road.

Author’s Note: The more I learn about the Millennial generation, the more questions seems to pop up. This generation truly is a riddle wrapped in an enigma and it seems like we’ll never know what they truly desire in the workforce. Being a Baby Boomer myself, it is incredibly infuriating to see a bunch of spoiled kids who haven’t done much with their lives go on to earn at least six figures without putting in so much as a twenty hour work week; all the while looking like scrawny lumberjacks. I mean, sure, my generation is responsible for most of today’s current problems: the biggest financial crisis since the Great Depression, ignoring climate change, 24 hour news networks, an entrenched and tribal political system, Scott Baio, a widening income gap and the dissolving of Social Security but at least we showed up to work in a suit and tie and shaved our faces!

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Parenting, politics and bad jokes.

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