Completely and Totally Super Awesome

A parody of Altas Shrugged.

Dangy and Hank, two totally awesome giants of industry who were super important and mega productive, drove past the green trees of the country. The Rolls Royce, expertly tuned and oiled, obeyed the competent and steady hand of Hank Rearden. The wind heroically blew the strands of Dangy’s hair over her stoic and totally awesome face as she looked out the window. She looked at Hank for a moment, admiring the taming of steel machinery under his hand, then she went back to thinking the totally awesome and super important thoughts of her own. Thoughts about her railroad.

“Damn this socialist road map!” cursed Hank. “I’m lost. If I could just get some decent directions… No.” He stopped himself. “It’s my fault for thinking the looters could do anything right. I knew better than to trust that government map book.”

“We just have to ask for directions now Hank. That’s our only choice if we want to get to the train station on time.”

On the road ahead Hank spotted a women walking on the side. She wore an expensive silky blue dress, diamond jewelry and a fur sable. Hank recognized her as his mother. He pulled the car to a stop along side her.

“Just what are you doing here mother?”

“Oh it’s you,” she snapped at her son. “I should have known. Too busy being completely and totally super awesome to drive your own mother?”

The jab had been meant to injure Hank, but his face did not respond. He looked on in indifference. He realized that he didn’t give two shits about his mother.

“Oh,” continued his mother sarcastically, “I know you don’t care about me. I know you only care about being completely and totally super awesome. My son, the man too busy being completely and totally super awesome to care about anything else, let alone his mother. Well, there’s more to life than being completely and totally super awesome you know. What about social responsibility? What about manners and society?

“What about it?” asked Hank.

“What about it? What about it? Well I’ll tell you about it. I’ll tell you that there is more to life that being completely and totally super awesome! Don’t you know that?! I failed with you! You will never understand. I have to make you understand! Do you understand?!”

“No,” answered Hank plainly. The lack of passion in his answer stinging his mother. “Why don’t you just tell me what it is you want,” demanded Hank in the tone of a totally cool and awesome business man.

“Not everyone can be so completely and totally super awesome! What about all those people who aren’t completely and totally super awesome?! What about those people who don’t have the capacity be to be completely and totally super awesome? What about those people who haven’t lifted a single solitary finger or made the slightest effort to become completely and totally super awesome? Don’t THEY deserve to be completely and totally super awesome?”

“No,” responded Hank smoothly.

“Oh that’s right. They DO. They deserve to be completely and totally super awesome. Why is it you’re the one that gets to keep all the complete and total super awesomeness all to your self? You would like that wouldn’t you? To have all the super awesomeness? That’s all that you and your slut girlfriend ever think about, isn’t it?” She stopped, seeing the anger in Hank’s eyes at the comment. It was the reaction the comment had been intended to provoke, but the sheer complete and total super awesomeness that her son revealed in his anger took her aback.

Hank looked to Dangy. He thought that he would not allow the insult to go unanswered until he saw that Dangy didn’t even notice. She was looking out the window, thinking completely and totally super awesome thoughts. Hank laughed to himself.

“What are you laughing at? You should be ashamed to be so completely and totally super awesome,” mother Rearden continued.

“What is your point?” asked Hank.

“What’s my point? Well… I just… You know the point. That point is that you are too completely and totally super awesome…”

“And?” asked Hank.

“And?… and,” more meekly and scared now. “And to drone on and on… I guess because the author gets paid by the word. But that’s completely beside the point, Hank! The point is that you are far too completely and totally super awesome! I won’t stand for it! You understand? I won’t allow it to happen!”

Hank looked his mother square in the eyes. She was unable to hold his piercing glance and looked everywhere but back into is eyes. “Mother, I am very busy right now being completely and totally super awesome.” He threw the Rolls Royce into drive and expertly opened the throttle leaving his mother behind in the cloud of dust.

She was yelling and screaming after him. Something about him being too completely and totally super awesome, but soon it was gone replaced by the sound of the wind and the expensive, expertly crafted wheels on the road.

Looking at her jewel encrusted precision watch, Dangy realized that they were going to have to find the station quick if they were to be one hour early. She saw a figure on the road ahead. “Hank! There’s someone. Stop and ask him for directions.”

The car slowed to a smooth stop next to an older man dressed in a tweed jacket with leather patches on the elbows, beige dockers, a neatly trimmed beard and smoking a pipe — obviously a college professor.

“Excuse me,” asked Dangy. “Could you tell me how to get to the train station?”

“The train station? I might be able to tell you that. You see I am a college professor and a doctor of philosophy from a very important and prestigious university,” said the professor.

“Could you tell us how to get to the train station?”

“That is a relative question. You see, all things are relative in this universe. Relative and without value. For you see, man is nothing important. He is just a collection of chemicals and his thoughts are nothing but neurons firing in a sequence that is no more sophisticated that the neural functioning of a dog or a cat. The question of the train station, therefore is not so simple because the mind does not really exist to grasp such a path, since the mind is just chemicals you see. Yes. That and did I mention that everything is relative and there are no values?”

“Do you know the way to the train station?”

“Now,” continued the professor. “It has been well established throughout the centuries that man has no capacity for thought and therefore does not really exist. Sure there are some old fashion concepts still flowing around, relics of the past, that man has value and a mind. But these dangerous old fashion notions must be purged from the universities and even the grade schools. Yes, we must start the indoctrination of children early, lest they fall into the old superstition that that have a mind capable of reason. Therefore the main aim of the educational system must be to reject the reality of existence and shun the rational. Reason and absolute truth must be viciously ripped from the curriculum of our youth so to convince them that the mind does not exist and that the individual is completely and totally non-awesome. The fact that I have lost several students to suicide is proof that our teaching methods are sound. It has been well established, in all the well respected academic circles of our time and throughout the centuries, that life is void of meaning and purpose.”

“Do you know the way to the train station?”

The professor continued the lecture, mistaking the great intellects before him for pupils that he might yet be able to “educate.” “It is only when we realize that man is an animal, void of value and a mind that we can see the essential problem in the proper light. The question of absolute value and value of human achievement and the value of the individual become antiquated and old fashion. Then man sees that it is foolish to try and accomplish anything. Your gas station for instance. No I haven’t forgotten about it. To think that you can accomplish such a task as getting there… That you have that level of arrogance about it, merely leads me to believe, as it is my opinion, that you are not well educated in the higher fields of philosophy. Now there is a paradox as well, which, and all men of education will concede this point — as they have throughout the ages — that you don’t have a mind capable of grasping the argument that I just made. Also, and this is just a technicality you understand, nor do I.”

“Do you know the way to the train station?”

“You see, it is the opinion of well respected professionals of philosophy in all the well respected universities that the common man is a base and vile animal. A mindless creature thinking only of sex, food and other defilements. Complete and total super awesomeness is old fashion and out of date. Man must deny himself pleasure or he will never be happy. Pleasure is a destructive force, therefore the government must take swift and strong action to curtail pleasure and the primal force of complete and total super awesomeness. Complete and total super awesomeness must be rationed out. Not so much as to benefit those who are not completely and totally super awesome — those people are getting along just fine with there antidepressants and pornography. No we must curtail the completely and totally super awesome from being too completely and totally super awesome for its own sake. And the sake of society of course, because everything is relative and there are no absolute values.

Hank could see the professor still droning on and on from his rear view mirror. He was gesturing and lecturing in the cloud of dust that had been kicked up the instant Hank slammed his foot on the accelerator. Hank was far too busy being completely and totally super awesome to listen to such rambling.

The duo was unperturbed by the misadventures of late. They knew that if while one mine might be created and produce a loss that one would never come to profit unless they dug another mine with the persistence and greed of a top notch, world class industrialist. They continued their search. Next they pulled their car next to a measly, weak looking man wearing thick glasses, a worn second hand suit along with shoes that Hank Rearden would have thrown out 2 years ago.

“Excuse me,” called Dangy, “could you be so kind as to give use directions to the train station?”

“Sure can. You go straight down this road for two miles, then you take a service road on the right, just past the E-Z Breeze-E motel. That service road runs parallel to the track. You should come to the station just a half mile after that.”

“Thank you sir,” said Dangy.

“No problem, that’s why I became a government bureaucrat — to help my fellow man. Without profit for myself of course.”

The comment slammed into Dangy’s consciousness, blindsiding her like a run away freight car. “Without profit?” she silently wondered to herself. What manner of hideous evil was this?

The bureaucrat continued making small talk. “Seems like you two are doing well, but perhaps you might be interested if I told you there was a government bureaucratic program that takes completely and totally super awesome people, such as yourselves, and makes them even more completely and totally super awesome. Of course we would have some forms to fill out and…”

He didn’t get a chance to finish. Hank and Dangy, frothing with rage had both jumped from the leather seats of the car and were upon him. The bureaucrat screamed as Dangy ripped off his arm only to be silenced by Hank slamming in fist into the mans torso, ripping out his heart. Hank crushed the heart in his hands with the complete and totally super awesome power of awesomeness. Dangy watched the shocked and stunned look drain from the government man’s eyes as she beat him ruthlessly with his own limb in a way that, even to the dieing bureaucrat, seemed totally awesome and strangely cool.

Leaving the dis shelved and mangled corpse to disappear in a cloud of dust as they drove away, Dangy and Hank gave no more thought to the incident. While there might be some who would see this act, not as the virtuous act of completely and totally super goodness that it was, but as a crime, the two knew that complete and total super goodness was not to be concealed. The mangled corpse now rotting in a pool of its own rancid blood was an expression of how completely and totally super awesome they were and a triumph of the principles of justice.

Dangy led the way into the dispatch office once they reached the train station. She walked around like she owned the place in a totally cool and completely awesome manner befitting someone who totally rocked. Opening the door to the office, she knew there was trouble right away. A cloud of gray smoke billowed out the door and hit her square in the face as the room’s first greeting. She tried to fan the smoke from before her face by the waving of a hand, but the smoke was too thick. It was then at that moment she identified the source of the smoke, a fire. Thick yellow flame was licking a filing cabinet and threatening into spread on to the expanse of a wall. Just past the fire stood four men, hands in their pockets and the dispatcher, sitting at his desk coughing in the smoke.

“What is going on here? Why aren’t you putting out this fire?”

The surly answer came back from the dispatcher, “We ain’t getting’ paid to put out no fires lady.”

“You will put out this fire at once.”

“My job is not to put out fires,” said the dispatcher followed by violent coughing. “Who do you think you are anyway?”

“I’m Dangy Taggert.”

The dispatcher shot to his feet, the other men were looking at each other in disbelief. “Dangy Taggert? The completely and totally super awesome vice president of railroad operations who is not helplessly and utterly mentally retarded?”


The dispatcher was nervous now, his eyes darting back and forth. “Listen Ms. Taggert, I can’t put out this fire. The union won’t let me. That’s the job of the people who put out fires.”

“Did you call them?”

“Well no. It ain’t my job to make telephone calls to the people who put out fires. If I did that there would be big problems.”

“I’ll take responsibility. Now, I want you to take the fire extinguisher from off the wall over your right shoulder.”

The dispatcher did as he was told.

“Now I want you to pull the pin on the fire extinguisher, aim the nozzle toward the base of the flame and depress the lever of the fire extinguisher.”

The dispatcher took the fire extinguisher, pulled the pin but then paused. “Now are you willing to take full responsibility with the Taggert Transcontinental and the union?”

“Yes. I take full responsibility.”

The fire extinguisher hissed and in that very moment the fire was replaced by a cloud of white powdery smoke. The men opened the windows to air out the room. Dangy ordered one of the men to find her brother. She sent the other men to work cleaning up the mess the fire made after assuring them all that she would take full responsibility with Taggert Transcontinental and the labor union for their actions.

James Taggert, president of Taggert Transcontinental and Dagny’s brother, entered the dispatch office shortly after, looking worried and nervous. It was clear that he had been crying. “The fire wasn’t my fault Dangy! You have to believe me! Please God, you have to be humane and sensitive to my feelings! Oh why don’t you care about my feelings?! It wasn’t my fault! I always have the worst luck. I never get a break. Sure I was up here just five minutes ago trying to burn some evidence of my gross negligence and incompetence, but the fire started on its own, I swear!”

“Why didn’t you order the fire put out once it started?” demanded Dangy.

“I got scared. I didn’t know what to do. That’s why I need you Dangy. I need you because you aren’t helplessly and utterly mentally retarded. Once the fire started, I ran away and hid under a table and cried until the situation got resolved. You can’t blame me for that! Don’t look at me like that! Why are you looking at me like that?! I’m not completely and totally super awesome like you. Besides, I’m the one who put out the fire just now.” James’ eyes were shifting back and forth. “Yes, that’s what happened. I did it all by myself and I take full credit for taking command of the situation and … and… I’m completely and totally super awesome! Don’t look at me like that Dangy! Oh why are you looking at me like that?! Please stop! Ahhhhh!” James ran and climbed under the dispatcher’s desk, breaking into uncontrollable sobs.

The man who Dangy had so expertly ordered to work sweeping out the dispatch office turned on the radio. Normally she might not have allowed it, but it was preferable to listening to the sounds of James’ crying. Just then the radio announcer cut into the music with an urgent bulletin.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I interrupt this broadcast to inform you that the federal government has taken action in the face of the national emergency. The supreme and unquestionable leader, under the advice of the council of well respected and widely acknowledged experts on economic and philosophical studies has decreed that Directive 10–289 is to be put into effect immediately. Under the provisions of this humane and altruistic mandate, all production will be punished and lazy, no good bums are to be rewarded with fancy cars and extravagant meals at four star restaurants. Furthermore, all men, deemed by the Board of Crony Bureaucrats to be “of any use to society at all” will be ordered to cut off their own balls. These balls are to be given over to the state for the good of all society. All criminals now guilty of complete and total super awesomeness are hereby ordered to stop being completely and totally super awesome. If those unrepentant completely and totally super awesome people continue with such behavior they will be given a letter from the Council of Government Morality stating that they are not as cool and badass as they think and they are not completely and totally super awesome at all. Such kick ass, no holds barred awesomeness has been found to be in opposition to the good order of the state as it makes the weak, lazy bums cry like sissies. This directive is a giant leap taken by our all knowing, all controlling leaders to stem the surge of complete and total super awesomeness. It is expected that the provisions of Directive 10–289 will create a utopia on Earth, where all men can be equal in mediocrity and no one will ever get there feelings hurt…”

Dangy took the radio and threw it at James, still crying under the desk. “This is your doing, isn’t it?!”

“The government needed to take action Dangy! It’s not my fault! You can’t blame me! Don’t you understand? How can I take responsibility for anything? I don’t even have any balls. I cut them off along time ago. Directive 10–289 is going to help. That’s what the Board of Crony Bureaucrats said and they are very well educated and from the best universities in the country. They are the top level academics in the country, the world even. They said this directive would be good, that no one would get their feelings hurt, that I could stop crying everyday because no one would be better or more awesome than me. They said that everyone would suck and no one would kick ass. We would all be helplessly and utterly lame and even those who were completely and totally super awesome would have to become mediocre because the Board of Crony Bureaucrats would force them too. Yes. That’s what they said.”

Dangy looked at him in disgust. “There’s just one problem James.”

“What? What problem?”

“If no one is completely and totally super awesome, then who is going to run your railroad?”

James recoiled in horror. “But… but… You are Dangy. Right? Why would it be otherwise?”

“You idiot! What am I supposed to run it with? Retardedness? Mediocrity? Non-awesomeness?”

James started crying again, like a sissy on his period. “It’s not my fault Dangy!” James, now sobbing uncontrollable ran out the room like a little girl with tears streaming down his face.

It was three long months later when Dangy met the stranger on the tropical island following her shipwreck. Laying on the beach, among the splinters and debris washing up with the surf, she looked up to see his completely and totally super awesome face against the back drop of a clear blue sky. The sun caught the hard angular plains of his face on which he wore an expression that betray no feelings of fear, guilt nor sissiness but seemed to know all and say nothing. His slight smile seemed to say that he knew how completely and totally super awesome he was, and he knew that she knew, and he knew that she knew that he knew.

She felt she knew him her whole life. That she had been searching for him her whole life, but that she found him long ago. Like the answer to a question she was seeking yet already knew. She knew that they had been lovers and that she had had no other lovers than him. Even when she had been getting it on with Francisco and Hank she was really doing it with him. Maybe she didn’t know that she had been getting nailed by Hank Rearden in payment due to the complete and total super awesomeness to the man before her, but she did know now. Deep down inside, she had always known. She knew that this man before her was completely and totally super awesome — more so than Hank. She knew that she would have to dump Hank’s sorry ass now that she found someone more completely and totally super awesome that him. She knew that he knew.

“Who are you?” she asked.

“I am John Galt.”

“John Galt!” she exclaimed. “I didn’t know that!” Yet somehow she had always known.

“Yes you did,” he said with a smile that said nothing and everything. “A=A,” stated John.

Dangy started taking off her pants. “That’s right! You are a genius!”

“I know,” said John. “Before we get to that I would like to show you around my secret island and let you in on my secret plan to destroy the world in an effort to prove to the world that existence does exist.”

Dangy struggled to her feet and followed John through the tree line and down a path.

“I have taken all the great minds of the world. Not by force, but I have convinced them of their own free will to stop working for the benefit of the looters and criminals. All of us were successful in the world of looters, all of us were millionaires. But we were being sucked dry by an oppressive tax rate of 35% on income and an unjust 15% on capital gains! Instead of profiting getting $10 million, I had to settle for a paltry $5 million. And for what? Their roads? Educational system? Food stamps? The military? Of course, we wanted for nothing, we lived in mansions and sent our kids to ivy league schools and any money we put toward expanding our business, or hiring new employers, or giving out bonuses or even fancy business dinners were completely tax deductible. But all that is besides the point…”

They walked down out of the trees and into a clearing where they could see before them a grand city of skyscrapers, grand fountains, futuristic hover craft and ostentatious displays of wealth. “We made this city by ourselves Dangy, in a period of three years. There are less than a hundred of us. That’s how super awesome we are.” In the center, a 100 foot high dollar sign made of pure gold, en-blazoned with the motto of the village which John pointed to and read. “‘By my life and my love of it, I swear not to give a shit about anyone but myself, nor to expect others to give a shit about me.’ We all believe that Dangy. That’s the oath you must take if you want to live in this village.

“Completely and totally super awesome men, such as myself, benefit man by our sheer existence. In my case, I invented a futuristic science fiction motor that runs on nothing but atmospheric static electricity — if I were to deprive society of my motor or my mind, the world would fall into decay and chaos. You Dangy, make trains run on time. Have you noticed that no one else in world seems to be able to do that? The reason is that you are completely and totally super awesome and everyone else in the world, the mediocre man, is a helpless and utter mental retard. If the world were deprived of you, the trains would not run on time and soon, would stop running all together.

“So it will be with all the great minds. Now that you are here we will begin the strike. The great minds will go on strike — we will deprive the world of our complete and total super awesomeness. In an effort to completely shut down our great, ingenious minds we will all assemble in the great theater hall and watch reruns of the sitcom “Friends” until the helpless retards and welfare deadbeats destroy the world. We expect it will not take long.”

John preempted the strike and “Friend’s” marathon by taking over the airwaves of all the television and radios stations all across the world and giving a three hour long rambling speech in which he accused the universities and academics of poisoning the young minds of their students by teaching that “existence does not exist,” “the mind is not real,” and that “logic and reason were old fashioned and out dated.” Refuting such “philosophy” he boldly stated that “existence DOES exist,” “the mind IS real,” and “logic and reason were as relevant as ever.” Then he went on and on about how great he was and how they all sucked and would not be able to live absence of his complete and total super awesomeness.

Afterward John went to his room, dressed in a tuxedo with dollar sign gold, diamond encrusted cuff links. Dangy accompanied him to the event dressed in a very expensive gown, made with the finest materials and manufactured in a sweat shop by children in Bangladesh. All eyes were on the couple. Even in this place of completely and totally super awesome people they were exceptionally completely and totally super awesome. The usher lead them down to their seats which they had paid a small fortune for. With full knowledge of the coming ramifications of their actions, they took their seats, without guilt or fear. Only feeling the joy of being alive and not giving a shit about anyone but themselves.

In the middle of the first episode, John’s cell phone ran. The others in the theater, who had grown accustomed to the protocol of silencing your cell phone when you sat down in a theater, looked at John sternly. John looked back at them defiantly with a face void of guilt or fear. “You know I don’t give a shit about you people. That’s the oath!” John opened his cell phone and walked to the back of the theater as he talked. Apparently, someone had heard John’s three hour rant, and in a bid to save mankind was working to deconstruct John’s argument of pure logic.

“Where did you get this number?… You hacked my facebook account? … Clearly you have superior mind to be able to hack the password… You would be surprised how many people never try ‘password.’ Okay, get to the point.” Demanded John in the cool tone of a businessman. “Okay so you’ve gone to college and have a masters in philosophy. So what?… What do you mean your professors never told you that ‘existence does not exist?’…. No, I wouldn’t put it past them to say something like that… They never told you that ‘mind is not real’ or that ‘logic and reason were old fashion?’…. Well, maybe you cut classes that day…. How am I supposed to know?…. Where did… I went to Patrick Henry University… Professor Hugh Axton. That’s right…. A=A, yes…. No, I don’t think it is painfully obvious… Many people never reach that level of insight…. What do you mean ‘no one is stupid enough to pretend that that’s any kind of insight?’…. No, Professor Axton never told me that “existence does not exist”… No, none of my other professors did neither… Yes. Had they said something so preposterous I would have punched them square in the face, sure…Where do I get it from? Well, Professor Axton told me that other professors said it at other universities all the time. That’s how I know…. No, it never did occur to me to tell him he was ‘full of shit.’ …. Well, I guess I just took his word for it. He seems like an honorable man… Jeez, you’re putting me in an awkward situation here. I wish we would have had this conversation 10 years ago…. Yes, I’ve pretty much set the wheels in motion already…. Maybe I am contradicting my own philosophical principles…. You know what? I don’t give a shit about you or your ugly wife and retarded children…I feel good about this decision…. I guess so…. sucks to be you…. Adios.” With that John folded his phone up and put it back in his pocket and walked coolly back to his seat.

It wasn’t long after the call that the village began to get reports of things going wrong from the outside word. At first the reports were almost mundane and everyday bad news, just more of it, but soon came more and more of it. To much to bad news to pretend that it was just bad luck. Due to the lack of some secret addictive chemical, a chemical that was made by a chemist that John Galt had taken away, processed foods were no longer being made. Mothers, with inconvenienced children in tow were breaking store windows. Due to the lack absence of the top notch criminologist expert, who John Galt had taken to his secret island, the rank and file police did not know how to properly deal with the situation and the police did not know they were supposed to shoot the rioting children and women. The crime wave swept, like wildfire, across the globe. By the end of the very first episode of the “Friends” marathon, the stock market and bond markets and futures markets had all collapsed.

By the end of the second episodes of the Friends marathon there were reports of mass riots in the street. After the world class ethicist had mysteriously disappeared, a gang of hodulums, who had been, until recently, boy scouts robbed the attendees of a gun show. The dead beats over powered the gun owners and made off with uzis, m-60s, samuri swords and numchucks. They proceeded to kill everyone at the gun show. In the absences of the top notch ethicist, the wayward boy scouts could no longer tell right from wrong.

Now that the brilliant “top of their field” genius engineer and architect were, unbeknownst to the world, on John Galt’s island, buildings were suddenly unsafe. A building collapsed and when that building fell down it landed on 200 people who were celebrating a government sponsored building appreciation day and killed all of them.

At the end of the third episode, there was a famine sweeping across most of the United States and Europe. The government, desperate to stop starvation started to issue food stamps, but the people, upon finding out that they could not eat the actual food stamps, rioted, burned down the government buildings and ate the bureaucrats literally.

By the end of the fourth episode that there was a giant earthquake off the coast of California. But the top notch, completely and totally super awesome seismologist had been taken away to John Galt’s secret island after Galt explained the estate tax to him leaving no one to stop the earthquake. Also John Galt had taken the completely and totally super awesome oceanographer and there was no one competent enough to stop the enormous tsunami that came crashing into the coast, washing inland and taking buildings, cars and people away to utter destruction.

Millions on people were dying as the fifth episode played. Many of them died of stupidity, unable to do anything at all without a wealthy industrialist or revolutionary engineer to tell them what to do. Seven million people died in Seattle alone when the entire population forgot how use a can opener, thus dieing of starvation.

When a less competent scientist was hired to replace a scientist that John Galt had taken, that dumber scientist mixed the chemicals in such a stupid and moronic way that he, completely by mistake, created a “28 days later” type of plague with the fast moving zombies that run instead the normal slow moving, and therefore easier to defeat, zombies. This had swept through the British Isles and, at last report, was spreading with frighting speed through France.

By the end of the sixth episode, Godzilla was destroying Tokyo and other cities in Japan. Normally the first call the generals would make would have been to the completely and totally super awesome zoologist at Tokyo University, but he had disappeared. There were rumors that he had been last seen with a man known as Galt–son, boarding a very expensive, luxurious plane.

Cities across the globe were being invaded by malevolent, flesh eating extra terrestrial, super intelligent aliens. Normally, an astronomer would have leapt into action, telling the army men exactly how to get rid of the hostile force, but that astronomer happened to be eating popcorn and watching “Friends” at the time, four seats down from John Galt.

Those who were not dead of starvation or the swarms of locust, were being swallowed up by giant cracks in the ground or being burned to death from fire and brimstone falling from the sky — the world class theologian having been taken by… that’s right… John Galt.

It was the foolishness of normal man to think that they could have any sort of society without the completely and totally super awesome cadre of those on Galt’s Island. Indeed the world, in a very short period, had been cast back into a stone age existence. And without the world class, totally super awesome linguist, now in residence at Galt’s island, the lazy looters and no good bums couldn’t even articulate how humbled and debased they were. Not even at the end did they realize that they had been mere coakroaches when held up in comparison to the completely and totally super awesome. The more cunning of them realized that a serious mistake had been made in not deregulating the banks and transitioning the tax code to a straight flat tax. Now it was too late.

This was no concern for those on Galt’s island though. With a cool aire of indifference which was totally cool and super awesome, they reclined in luxury which was the profit of their labors and their superior minds resonated with a brilliant awesomeness, too aloof to even have contempt for lesser beings which they had been told they should have felt remorse for.

The next day was a celebration of new beginnings. A beginning of complete and total super awesomeness were no one would give a shit about anyone else and the helplessly and utterly mentally retarded were left to starve. John took Dangy’s hand.

“I love you, Dangy. You have always been the only one.”

“And I love you John. And you will always be the only one, until I find some one more completely and totally super awesome than you.”

“I understand,” said John, smiling. “And that promise, I give to you as well.”

The End