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I was perusing Goodwill when destiny struck. Sandwiched between Mrs. Doubtfire and Home Alone 2, a neon VHS caught my eye: “Dance Aerobic Self-Defence with Gloria.”

The poofy haired dancer’s claims that I’d be able to “Fend off barf-bags — guaranteed!” were substantiated just a few days later after I thwarted a potential bag snatching with a ‘Back-Off-Bozo Butt-Thrust’ that left the would-be mugger with a shattered pelvis and led to an exciting offer from UFC owner Dana White.

For my first fight I chose to walk out to the intimidating Olivia Newton-John track ‘Physical’, a favorite of Gloria’s. The bell rang and before you could say “There’s nothing left to talk about… unless it’s horizontally,” I connected with a ‘Thigh-Toning Funky Ninja-Twist’ that rearranged her face into a Picasso portrait of cartilage and incisors, spraying blood over the entire front row like a gory SeaWorld exhibition. …

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Batman is billionaire Bruce Wayne?

The identity of Batman has always been a closely guarded secret, as revealing it could compromise his safety. However, some frankly ridiculous fans seem to have a theory on who the man behind the mask could be, and it’s none other than the charismatic billionaire Bruce Wayne.

This theory does make a lot of sense, especially when you consider the scene where Bruce Wayne opens his wardrobe to reveal a full latex Batman costume. At the time, it comes off as a highly typical item of clothing for a powerful billionaire who perhaps grows tired of being in control of a successful company and indulges in some kind of master/slave BDSM role play with his butler. …

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Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash

New York, NY — The U.S government has moved swiftly to counter the economic threat posed by the coronavirus pandemic by offering a 5 million drink token bailout to the American music industry.

The effects of Covid-19 have caused problems for many, such as ‘Party Beach’ front woman Mish Williams. …


Thomas Wykes

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