“Man I fucked up.” “Oh, do you need to go home?” “What? No, I’ve been waiting on this line for a month. I can’t give up now. I need my package. Are you trying to get rid of me?” “I wouldn’t mind it. You’re insufferable.” “I know. That’s part of…

I am writing now to raise awareness about a very debilitating syndrome that impacts millions (if not billions) of people every year. It’s called AFES (Ass From Elbow Syndrome) and while it’s incredibly prevalent, there is actually very little known about AFES. The main symptom of AFES is when someone…

“Hello.” “No. Not today. I have a headache.” “I have extra strength Tylenol. Would you like one?” “You carry around extra strength Tylenol with you?” “Yes, at all times.” “Fine. Do you have two?” “Sure, here.” “Thanks.” “Oh look at that. Do you always carry a water bottle?” “At all…

“Hi again. Can you believe we are still waiting on this line?” “They’re busy here.” “Yes but I seem to recall last week you mentioned you were here to simply drop off a return package for Amazon?” “Yes.” “And you have everything boxed and labeled already?” “Yes.” “Well then I…

I say and write a lot of stupid shit so I’d like to take a break from that to offer something I hope is not stupid. Because this is something I need to hear sometimes. I’m a writer and producer and sometimes actor and I’m often mired in the molasses…

“Richard Williams was a fierce defender of his family. In this time in my life, in this moment, I am overwhelmed by what God is calling on me to do and be in this world.” “Richard Williams was a fierce defender of his family. I am an entitled prick who…

Dear Job, First, allow me to thank you for continuing to not ignore my application, but for your steadfast commitment to taking my application into careful consideration in considering me for the position you have advertised. I can think of no better opportunity than to work for your company, doing…

“Oh wow. I know that girl. Her drinks are on me,” I said. In 1999 the song of the summer was Smash Mouth’s All Star I think there were others but every time I hear All Star I think about the summer of ’99 and how I almost got to…