Goldilocks and the Porridge of Skepticism

Shortly after she arrived at the home of the Three Bears, who were out on an excursion, Goldilocks had a hankering for a bowl of porridge. She was, as usual, rather hungry. And there sure enough, on the table were three bowls of porridge. It seems that the Three Bears, Mama Bear, Papa Bear, and Baby Bear, had just sat down for breakfast when the Uber had arrived. Not wanting to miss their ride, they had rushed off, leaving their breakfast. It had been quite hot when served, but by the time that Goldilocks had arrived, it had cooled off. It was not cold yet, but it was cool enough to be pleasantly warm and not hot enough to burn Goldilocks’ mouth, so when she took the first taste, she found that, temperature-wise, the porridge was just right.

However, that’s not the end of the story, but more or less, the beginning. What Goldilocks had no way of knowing, because she was trespassing in the private home of the Three Bears, and was unfamiliar with their habits, was that among the three of them there was a wide divergence of taste.

And so, taking a spoonful of Mama Bear’s porridge, Goldilocks exclaimed “Yuck!” in a loud voice, and spit the porridge out onto the table. It was absolutely tasteless.

What Goldilocks had no way of knowing was that Mama Bear was quite an observant person as far as the local church was concerned. She never missed a Sunday service, and she participated actively in the life of the congregation. What Mama Bear liked most about her life was the certainty. What she believed was that everything the preacher preached in that church was the absolute truth, and in fact had been communicated to the congregation directly from the Supreme Being. What Mama Bear hated more than anything else was uncertainty.

Now another thing that Goldilocks didn’t know was that Mama Bear and Papa Bear were not in agreement about the truth and about certainty. Although they were bears, and bears are not exactly the kind of animal that always avoids violent behavior, Mama and Papa Bear never got violent with each other, but the degree of disagreement between them was breathtaking. Papa Bear, you see, was a philosopher, and as such, he was an extreme postmodernist. Every time he heard the word “truth” spoken by anyone, he’d laugh under his breath, and sometimes actually out loud. To Papa Bear, truth was the biggest joke of them all, because he believed there was no such thing. Everything, so he believed, was subjective and relative. On the wall of his workshop, into which Mama Bear never entered, was the portrait of a French philosopher, Jean-François Lyotard. Mama Bear would not allow that portrait in the bedroom she and Papa Bear shared.

So, what of Baby Bear? We will get back to Baby Bear in a moment, but first we need to address something that you, the reader, might not know:

Goldilocks did not season her porridge with salt, which she believed was bad for her health, but she could not stand the taste of unseasoned porridge. Therefore, what she seasoned her porridge with was a salt substitute: skepticism. To Goldilocks, skepticism was delicious. But, of course, in the right quantity. Goldilocks was, after all, Goldilocks.

Anyhow, back to Baby Bear. You can imagine what it’s like being a baby bear in a family where the Mama needs absolute truth 24 - 7 and the Papa scoffs at the very idea that any kind of truth exists at all.

So how did Baby Bear cope? He began by reading all the science fiction he could get his hands on, and then, having absorbed a vast number of science fiction tropes, Baby Bear began to immerse himself in science itself. Physics, quantum physics, chemistry, organic chemistry, biochemistry, virology, bacteriology, ecology, gene splicing… he sucked it up like a sponge.

You might well be wondering, then, how did Baby Bear like his porridge? If you are wondering that, you are indeed on the right track.

The thing about scientists, you see, is that they are extremely skeptical, but skeptical as they must be, being scientists, they are still always in hot pursuit of the truth.

Good old Copernicus. We call always use him when we are talking about science. Did the sun revolve around the Earth? It sure looks that way. But Copernicus was skeptical, and with a little help from his friends, it was eventually discovered that the Earth revolves around the sun. Baby Bear loved Copernicus, by the way. He had a portrait of Copernicus on his lab wall. Yes, Baby Bear had a lab. If you can believe in bears that talk, you can believe in bears that have labs. Baby Bear didn’t have a cyclotron yet, but he was saving up. And he did have an iPad. The biggest.

Now, you the reader might be wondering how a scientist can be so skeptical and still be always seeking the truth. That’s a good question, right. But this story is about Goldilocks; it’s not about Schroedinger’s Cat or any such thing. So, back to Goldilocks.

Having tasted Mama Bear’s porridge, which was completely lacking in skepticism, and having spat it out, while exclaiming, “Yuck,” Goldilocks then picked up her spoon and moved over to Papa Bear’s chair, where she tasted his porridge.

“Yuck,” Goldilocks shrieked and spat out the porridge, which flew from her mouth across the table and landed on the floor on the other side. Goldilocks shuddered. Two almost unbearable disappointments. Once again, with trepidation, she changed chairs. She sat sat down carefully into Baby Bear’s little chair, which was almost too small for her, because Baby Bear was, in fact a baby bear.

Carefully picking up the spoon, she spooned out a small amount of porridge and brought it to her lips. She was worried, you see, because she was hungrier than ever, yet had been profoundly disappointed twice.

Goldilocks tasted the porridge. Slowly a smile appeared on her face and her big brown eyes widened with wonder. A broad smile grew wider and wider on her face as she proclaimed in a loud, clear voice:

“This porridge is just right!”