The Think for One Goddamn Minute Method®

In these Highly Partisan Times® I have noticed people occasionally needlessly making idiotic arguments, bringing embarrassment to themselves and those around them. It used to happen to me, too, and with terrible frequency. That’s why I developed the Think for One Goddamn Minute Method®.

You can save yourself the embarrassment of proving yourself a fool by following these three simple steps. When faced with an upsetting, unusual, or weird opinion — especially from people you normally consider on your side — do the following.

1. Shut it

It is absolutely imperative that you keep your mouth shut. Brains work poorly while the mouth is engaged because it takes maximum effort to move the hundreds of tiny muscles your face uses to make word-sounds. By shutting your mouth you prepare your brain for the next step.

“I almost opened my mouth at the National Museum of African American History and Culture to ask where the Caucasian museum was, but I used the TFOGM Method® to keep my mouth shut. After awhile I realized ‘Caucasian’ was implied in every other museum that didn’t name an ethnicity.”

2. Listen

This can be challenging, but with practice you will soon get the hang of it. The key is to listen for new information rather than cues for your already-rehearsed arguments. Often people with strange and unfamiliar viewpoints have different experiences than you do, and by listening you can take advantage of those experiences in step three.

“I was going to lecture my bisexual friend about her jargony, politically-correct use of the word cisgender but through use of the TFOGM Method® I realized language needs to serve people, not the other way around.”

3. Think

Don’t respond immediately! Take what you heard and your still-shut mouth someplace else. This will let you process the new information without the face-word-sound process interfering. You may find, over time, that the weird point of view actually makes sense with your new information. You can still choose to agree with it or disagree with it, but because you used the TFOGM Method® you will at least seem more intelligent and thoughtful.

“I almost told an American Indian that ‘Washington Redskins’ honored ‘his people.’ Thank god for the TFOGM Method®, because that would have been really racist.”

Save yourself pointless embarrassment using the TFOGM Method®

If you find yourself saying things like …

  • “I don’t mind gay people as long as they don’t flaunt it in public.”
  • “Erectile disfunction is not a joke.”
  • or anything followed by “ … is just political correctness run amuck”

…you, too, could benefit from TFOGM®. Remember:

  1. Shut it
  2. Listen
  3. Think

It has saved me countless times from looking like a damn-fool idiot. It can save you, too.