My life has always revolved around food. I ran a food blog called YouCook -learning how to cook from local chefs. I’ve published a book about food. This was my ticket to using food as a way to get to know and connect with people with such raw talent and passion and spread it through my own words and lens.

Its been a habit and guilty pleasure of mine to take photos of food and make my friends hungry on Instagram and Facebook. I think I do this to make sure I don’t forget later on (and of course to brag about how lucky I am). And my official answer to why I take photos of everything I eat is that eating is a full sensory experience — taking the time to appreciate the presentation, colours and care of the food definitely gets the saliva going.

I’ve also been on every diet possible — Atkins, Master Cleanse, Grapefruit diet, South Beach, 4-Hour body, Paleo, Vegetarian, Juicing, and recently a hypoallergenic diet. I’ve struggled with my weight and binge eating since my teenage years and not only shot up 70 lbs overweight but have experienced the frustrating yo-yo of not being able to make and stick to a healthy lifestyle. Whether it’s for acceptance, stress, procrastination, status, anxiety, depression, trauma, love, fear and life — I’ve done it all.

I’m lucky to have eaten my way around the world in hole in the walls to michelin star restaurants and everything in between. Having grown up poor, getting free food or eating on someone elses’ dime or getting good value, motivates me to eat it — no matter what it is. Even when there’s more food on the table than space in my tummy, I automatically try not to waste food. My memories of countless amazing conversations, laughs and experiences always includes the food/dish/chef/restaurant as one of the main characters.

I also love to cook for others. I spare no expenses and time to impress and I always leave people packing left overs or in a food coma by the time they leave. Sometimes it’s easier to express love through stuffing someone silly than to say it.

Needless to say, as I start to be aware of all my various attachments to food I realized some profound things:

1. I can’t quit food the way I quit smoking. Unfortunately the body still requires an energy source.
2. I don’t eat food for sustenance — in fact, I’ve never used food for the health and sustenance of my body. This is the very definition of an eating disorder: eating habits that may involve either insufficient or excessive food intake to the detriment of an individual’s physical and mental health.
3. The body is designed to put up with a lot of crap and really tries its best to compensate for its owner no matter if he/she has never read the operating manual. But there are definitely limits.

Awareness

My ah-ha moment was when a friend pointed out: Thu, you give food a life of its own. You talk about food the way you would talk about a person. Food is inanimate — in other words, not alive. The truth of those words hit me like a ton of bricks.

My journey of unraveling all my connection points with food has been eye opening to say the least. My body has decided that I’ve passed my limits and continually schedules interventions for me. And unfortunately I never get the subtle hints and need the wack-me-over-the-head messages of severe allergies, diabetes, cancer to wake up.

Awareness is the first step. Unfortunately, it just so happens that you’ve been fed way before you even knew how to feed yourself, resulting in so many damn subconcious triggers to visit and revisit.

My two facts I know are:

• Food is crucial for a healthy mind and body.
• I really enjoy life with a healthy mind and body.

Our quality of life is not something to be compromised. The results of not cooperating with your body is a continued degradation in quality of life, continued suffering/medication/ailments and an early death. I use this as my compass. (Well my rational brain does…mostly…when I remember.)

Patience

Having awareness and this unquenching thirst for life really helps drive the will power to make changes. However, I had to learn that there’s also forgiveness and patience. When you make a plan, you know exactly what you’re supposed to eat and when, then the smell of fresh baked bread or a juicy medium rare aged steak and foie gras is placed in front of you — you might not pick the healthy choice. The guilt and self loathing is unbearable sometimes when you fail, you might as well also get all the desserts on the menu while you’re at it.

I have failed to avoid all the “forbidden” foods which aren’t doing anything for my physical and mental health. And I still haven’t figured out how to not fall into temptation time and time again. But one thing I’ve learned is that when you do start to be aware of what you eat and why you’re doing it — you start to see that every action is a choice. And you always have a choice. You may have chosen wrong for breakfast, but come lunch time, you get to choose again. I have personally seen my own organs repair itself when I make more good choices than bad over time. I’ve reversed full on diabetes and impaired glucose tolerance. The body will let you know and punish you for the things you’ve done in the past but it seems not to hold grudges. The body continues to live in the present with a can-do attitude to repair what it can and work with what it’s given.

Therefore, the absolute worse thing you can do is keep on repeating the mistakes of the past in hopes of something changing. If you screw up, admit it, apologize and try again. I’m pretty sure you don’t get unlimited chances but I’ve definitely pushed the boundaries of trying again and I’m still alive. Also, changes are very uncomfortable and not natural. No matter how much of a super star you are, you might not get it on the first try or second. I have found that patience and forgiveness of yourself is key.

Balance

I don’t question that the diets and books out there has worked for some people. I think what they all have in common is to bring awareness into what you’re feeding yourself and that you have the freedom of choice.

Striving to eat my 1500 calories a day and making sure that it’s all organic, plant based carbs and proteins, and good fats for sustenance and the upkeep of my body is ideal. But it is pretty unrealistic to think you only eat for sustenance just like you will only have sex to procreate. It’s great that our body is wired to incentivize procreation by making sex one of the best physical experiences that a human can have. It has also wired our bodies to absolutely love the fatty salty foods that helps us survive through droughts, natural disasters and winters. So…enjoy it!

I think we’re meant to enjoy life — it’s the best part of being human. As a recovering hedonist, I’ve realized that balance is really something to strive for. I am in full support of any resources that helps you stay aware of the choices you make everyday. And I’m a fan of being realistic and trying and failing. Sometimes the scales will be tipped out of balance but as long as you have that compass of whats important, you will head in the right direction.