Sorry Dad, but I think I’m a Buddhist now.

Tanna Gavin
Nov 3 · 17 min read

First of all, let me start off by saying how much I love Chiang Mai.

It’s like a completely different world that Bangkok. Maybe that is because it is 1/10 of the size, or maybe it’s because I’m in a completely different head space, but either way, I’m really enjoying my time here.

We decided to go to Chiang Mai (North of Bangkok) rather than South (toward Phuket) because we got approved to help out at a farm right outside the city center. The owner was from Canada and needed help building sheds, fixing up spare bedrooms, painting, helping with gardening/weeding/planting, and helping with basic care of farm animals. He was also building a bar inside the city center and he needed help with that project as well. I was super pumped to be doing absolutely all of those things. Not only would I be a part of a community, but I would be building something with my bare hands and see the progress I made day by day. I would be using my body to its full potential. I would be planting things, knowing when I left they would still continue to grow. I would be helping someone who is trying to live in a sustainable way, and I would get to build a bar. How friggin’ cool is that?

The day we arrived to Chiang Mai he emailed me and told me that he is having Visa troubles and that he would not longer be able to host us.

I don’t really remember my reaction to that news. I can’t recall if I was sad, anxious, or angry. I do remember I didn’t cry though…

The first day in Chiang Mai Ben headed to a co-working space to get dialed in with what he had learned from the conference and put it into practice. I did what I do when I get to any new city — I wander. I walk around until I’m either too hot, tired, or thirsty to continue. After checking out the old ruins that lined the old town and popping into a few shrines/pagodas, my attention was caught by this cute little lady that was standing in front of a Thai Massage parlor. I figured a massage wouldn’t hurt and so I entered her shop, thinking old ladies make everything better.

The air con felt absolutely amazing when I walked in and I soon felt my sweat turn my shirt cold. She took my hand and led me to the back. It was pretty much a storage closet with a little curtain and a little table that had a stack of clothes on them. She picked up two garments, handed them to me, and pulled the curtain. The top was, hmm… something similar to a button up pajama shirt, although the fabric was either too thin or faded and you could totally see my boobs through the shirt (luckily you couldn’t see my scabies! Which are slowly but surely going away)

The pants were a different story. They were incredibly wide at the waist line, slimmed in a bit near the knee, but not much. Luckily I found a a string that I tied around my waist in the storage closet. I know for a fact that I was wearing them wrong. But whatever. Phucket.

I came out to what I thought would be the cute little lady waiting for me, but instead was this rather larger Thai person standing in front of me. They grabbed my hand and had me lady down on my back on a bed that was separated from three other beds by a little curtain.

Now, usually when I get massages 1) I’m pretty much naked 2) there is oil involved 3) soft songs of waterfalls and Chinese music are playing.

None of that here!

I realized in that hour that Thai massage is more like what athletic trainers do to their athletes. Finding a lot of pressure points, stretching and cracking.

I really quite enjoyed it.

It was the first time in quite a while that I was calm. I wasn’t worrying about what I would do for work, or consumed from the hurt I felt from being denied again, I wasn’t frustrated that things weren’t going my way. I just was.

After the massage was done and I had changed back into my still sweaty clothes, I went to go pay my masseuse. I handed them the money and when they took it and said khàawp-khun (thank you) I realized I had just gotten a massage from a lady boy.

I left with a huge smile on my face because throughout my whole massage, I had absolutely no idea.

I didn’t feel tricked, or violated, or angry, I was so happy.

Because at one point in time this person didn’t belong ANYWHERE. All communities would toss transgender/non binary people out. They were constantly neglected, refused work, and didn’t “belong”.

It made me feel that more connected, to something, than I had felt in quite a long time.

I gave them a hefty tip and walked out… both of us (I hope) grateful for the experience.

The rest of the day I didn’t seem to think about the future or what I would do. I was just happy to be in this city.

That night Ben decided he would need to switch up his schedule and work nights to communicate with his clients (as there is a 12 hour difference) so he would be available to do something fun during the day.

I had seen some advertisements for Chiang Mai Grand Canyon water park and I figured it would be fun to be kids again for a day.

So, the following morning we grabbed some iced coffees (Note: iced coffees are MUCH larger in Thailand than in Vietnam, thank God) and headed to the water park.

We got there and it was seriously like a ten year old’s dream. All I could think about was how much fun I would have with Kyan and Kenna and wished more than anything they were there with us.

Rather than water slides, kiddie pools and diving boards like you would find in a traditional water park, it was a huge lake-like, well, mini Grand Canyon. We learned later that the Thai government did a bunch of excavation to create space for a huge highway, but lost funding, and eventually the space filled with rain water, creating a beautiful oasis.

Very “instagramable” place.
My sweet new Elton John glasses got to make an appearance.

Of course commercialism stepped in and a few companies had installed inflatable jungle gyms, rafts, a zip lines, restaurants, bars, etc.

We quickly put our stuff into a locker and headed straight to the cliff jumping area.

After a ten second tutorial, and fully equipped with a life jacket (thank God) we were standing on the edge of a cliff, about to jump 40 feet into this lake thing.

We kissed, said we loved each other, and lept off the cliff.

The first few seconds were liberating, the next were terrifying, and the last were rather painful.

Maybe a metaphor of some of my experiences on this trip?

As we surfaced to the top of the water, we took a deep breath, and laughed. We knew we were going to be okay, but taking a leap of faith like that is scary nonetheless.

We seemed to be the only ones at the park and we had the whole inflatable jungle gym to ourselves. We climbed and ran and fell until we didn’t have any more strength to continue. We made our way up to a turf raft which reminded me eerily of the one we had at my lake cabin in Detriot Lakes. It was quite mossy on the bottom and hurt your knees as you pulled yourself up, but it gave you safety from the water. We sat there, not speaking to one another, for quite some time.

We then heard screams from the cliff jumping area and noticed this little Thai woman who couldn’t bring herself to jump. Her whole family had made the leap and they were cheering her on from below.

She noticed us watching her and screamed “HELLO” that seemed to echo throughout the whole canyon. We both yelled back encouraging her. She then said, “YOU SHOW ME.”

Any opportunity to help a fellow person out, we swam over to the jumping area but before we could help her we needed to climb a rope ladder that scaled the cliff. I got about half way up before I looked down and realized there were metal poles protruding from where the rope was being held at the bottom and that any incorrect step could potentially be fatal. Not OSHA approved for sure.

At the very top of the rope there were poles that you had to pull yourself up and the woman was standing there to make sure I got up safely. She held out her hand and with the way the light was hitting her she looked like an angel.

I thankfully grabbed her hand and she pulled me up. I was beat red in the face, exhausted, and a little nauseated but I was destined to help this woman overcome her fear.

She then asked us again to show her how to jump and she kept talking about how she was scared and didn’t want to get hurt. She would take a running start (something I advised her not to do) but then would stop at the last second. Her family, frustrated and still waiting in the water below, continue to cheer (or ridicule her, I don’t know, I don’t speak Thai) her on.

I said to her that if I go then she will go. She gave me an apprehensive smile, and I asked her to pinkie promise me. She then gasped and shook her head and that’s when I remembered that the pinky means something different in Asia…

Ben and I stepped up back to the cliff and I looked at my Thai angel. I told her:

“It’s okay. I’ll be okay. You’ll be okay”.

Then we jumped.

Even though I knew what to expect it seemed almost worse the second time, though I’m not sure why. When we were brought back up for air I coughed up a bunch of water and Ben thought he had seriously ruptured his ear drum. I noticed something was missing and realized my wedding ring had fallen off.

Note: This was not my actual wedding ring. Ben and I bought silicone rings for the trip and I am very grateful that we did! Otherwise this story would have had a much different tone to it.

We floated there for a bit trying to regain consciousness when out of nowhere, with no warning, no signal, no scream, I saw my Thai angel fly down into the water. When she came up she had the biggest smile on her face and I was so happy to have been there to witness that. Her whole family swam to her, congratulating and kissing her.

After the beauty of the moment had worn off for the both of us, we felt like we were actually dying. We swam across the lake and took the stairs up, skipping the rope this time. We both exited the water shaky and very nauseated. I guess even though I brought us to a water park, that didn’t make us kids again.

This is Ben’s go to pose when I make him take a picture

We grabbed a car home after only about two hours of being there, and although I felt like hell, I’m glad we went.

That afternoon Ben headed to the co-working space and I was determined to find the perfect trees to put up my hammock and do some reading. I found a park about a mile or so away so I started walking that way. I arrived after getting lost (just something I’ve grown to accept while in Asia) and absolutely dripping sweat. I walked the whole park and noticed no one else with hammocks, only straw mats on the ground. I tried to find a relatively secluded area that wouldn’t draw too much attention to me and my hammock, and set up shop.

I have been reading a book my father gave to me called The Pilgrimage by Paulo Coelho, author of The Alchemist. The story is about a man, Paulo himself I believe, on the Strange Road to Santiago in hopes to find his sword. The book’s pages are filled with underlined phrases, highlighted excerpts and starred quotes. I wondered what my dad was experiencing when he was drawn to those words…

The breeze picked up a bit and the fountain that I had placed my hammock by was catching the wind and sprinkling the tiniest droplets of water all over my body. The mist was like a gentle hug from the fountain, from water itself, like it was saying hello to me.

I was at the point of the book where Paulo’s guide gets frustrated with him and says:

“When you are moving toward an objective,’ said Petrus, ‘it is very important to pay attention to the road. It is the road that teaches us the best way to get there, and the road enriches us as we walk it’s length”

I read and reread those words, words underlined by my dad and now resonating intensely with me. I read them and thought about my own journey and where I am, and then I fell into a deep sleep.

I woke up a couple hours later and it had gotten completely dark. Clumsily taking down my hammock and trying to avoid the night runners in the park, I headed back to the hotel.

After dinner and a couple beers later, we went to bed and I just couldn’t get that quote out of my head…

The following day I was searching on Facebook for events nearby. I have used this feature a lot and have actually stumbled across some pretty cool live shows and art exhibits happening in the area. I suggest you check it out sometime, too!

Anyway, as I was scrolling through, I came across a post that’s title was “Modern Buddhism — learn to use Buddha’s wisdom to cope with the everyday problems of the world.”

Intrigued, I read on.

These classes explore Buddhist teachings that help us to develop and experience a deep inner peace by learning to control our mind so that we can remain happy whatever is happening in our life. The classes are presented in a way that is suitable for our modern world. Each week will focus on a different aspect of Buddhist teachings and show how the teaching can lead to deeper and deeper levels of happiness.”

Now, let me remind you that I am the daughter of a ELCA Lutheran pastor, Captain Chaplain of the National Guard, and also, a mother who loves Jesus so much I’ve never heard her say one swear word in her life. Seriously… I’ve never heard her say one!

*Note* Although the title of my post is ‘Sorry Dad, but I think I’m a Buddhist now’ I think my Dad would have fully supported my desire to attend this event. He has an interesting perspective on religion and faith, and in all actuality I’m not sorry at all, and I don’t think he would want me to be.

I told Ben I wanted to go. Even though he knew of a Rugby semi final match between New Zealand vs England happening at a bar with all of his friends he had met at the conference he had just attended, and at the very same time as this Buddhist event, he agreed to go with me.

Having no idea what to expect, we ordered a Grab thinking it would take us to a pagoda, or a temple of some sorts. The car dropped us off in front of a dingy strip mall with signs all in Thai.

After a few moments of confusion and frustration, we finally found the center, located on the second floor, top corner of the strip mall.

We approached the space and were immediately greeted by this Thai woman who opened the door for us and bowed. We took off our shoes and sat down in a room no larger than an average bedroom, with three stark white walls and one Jefferson Jaguar baby blue wall. Behind the jag wall was a large picture of Buddha, and other similar, yet different looking beings (not really people, not really “creatures”) covered the wall. There was a wide chair that sat in the front and middle facing us, and cups on shelves filled with water. The Thai woman brought us two cushions each, in which we had to watch her to sit on them in order to know how to sit properly. She then handed us a booklet of Buddhist prayers and chants. It was only the three of us in the room and I still wasn’t sure what I had gotten us into.

Aside the Buddha shrine was a large wooden door and suddenly it opened. Out walked a white man, I would say in his mid-forties, in a plaid shirt and khaki pants. The woman quickly stood up and bowed to him. I looked over at her and mouthed “should we stand?” in which she gave me a reassuring smile that said “don’t worry about it.”

The white man carefully climbed up onto the chair and crossed his legs. He took a long look at us and began to speak.

I can’t remember what he said, but he thanked us all for being there and talked about today’s agenda. He said that we would do some meditation, some prayers, and some discussion about What is Buddhism.

I’m not sure if he had planned to cover that topic or it was just obvious looking at us that we really have no clue about Buddhism, but I’m very glad he did. He started from the very beginning.

He talked about how Buddha lived 2.5 thousand years ago and was asked to teach others about Enlightenment. He said that in laymen terms, Buddhism is essentially ways in order to solve your problems, or what we as humans think are problems.

He then began to discuss the three poisons; Attachment, Ignorance, and Anger.

He dove deep into each one, describing modern examples of these poisons. He started with an example of your computer not working. He said that when our computer isn’t working properly, we are attached to the idea that we need to have a computer that is always working properly. And that the truth is the problem isn’t ours, that our computer doesn’t work, the problem is the computers. You have no problem, the computer does.

He said, of course, we often need to have working computers in this day and age and so how we go about responding to the computers problem is where happiness lies.

Which led into the second poison which is if we get angry with the computer and it’s problems than we are letting anger take up space in us rather than love. There are plenty of ways to fix a computer, though they may be inconvenient or rather expensive, but it’s not impossible by any means.

He then talked about ignorance and how if we always think to ourselves “this type of stuff always happens to me, like my computer breaking” than we are forgetting that the world does not have a agenda to make us unhappy, or cause us harm. Ignorance, to my understanding, is all about the me and if we are always fixated on me than we leave no room for love for one another.

He then had us close our eyes and focus on our breathing. I am quite accustomed to this practice as we do it all the time in staff meetings (thanks to my awesome boss back home, Brandon) yet I couldn’t remember the last time I had practiced it. He then told us to focus on a problem we are having in our lives.

Mine was quite obvious. My problem is that I don’t know what to do with my time here while in Asia. I am trying to put myself out there and help the world in whatever way I can, but I just kept on getting shit on and tossed aside.

He then told us to identify what poison we were experiencing with these problems.

I realized then I had all three.

  1. I was attached to the idea that someone needed my help.
  2. I was angry that things were not going my way.
  3. I felt personally attacked that regardless of countless emails, in person offerings, text messages, flying to certain places of the world, I was still not wanted or part of a community. All I was thinking about was me.

He then told us to think about how we would go about removing the poisons from our problems, or if our problem has changed since the beginning of the meditation.

My true problem, I realized then, was that I was attached to what I had assumed my time here in Asia would look like.

I opened my eyes with a large smile on my face, and the white guy was looking at me, smiling too. I knew he didn’t want to know the whole conversation I had just had with myself, but he could tell that a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

The service continued with some prayers and chants performed by the white guy and Thai woman — prayers about love, light, happiness, not only for others but for ourselves.

I thought about the prayers that I was told to say in church growing up. Prayers about forgiveness, unworthiness, fear, and avoiding hell. I remember talking to my dad once about how they all seemed to have such a negative tone to them and how I wasn’t sure if I wanted to repeat how big of a shithead I was every Sunday. Here in this little bedroom sized space I didn’t feel ashamed for being who I was or feel remorse for what I had thought/done in the past, but so grateful to have been given these tools in order to navigate not only the rest of this trip but the rest of my life.

My problem isn’t that people don’t “want” me, my problem is that I’m attached to the idea that they do.

The problem isn’t mine, it’s the computers!

We left the service back out to the dingy strip mall and the sun was setting and a light breeze had taken, making it the ideal temperature. We walked for a bit, not talking, when Ben finally broke the silence.

“I’m really glad we went to that and not to the bar,” he said.

“I couldn’t agree more,” I replied.

We kept walking and I thought more about Buddha and Jesus and you know what? I think they would have been good friends. Kind of like JRR Tolkein and CS Lewis. Teachings from Jesus has given me the framework for a good life; don’t kill, don’t commit adultery, honor your mother and your father, basically don’t be an asshole etc…

…But Buddha has given me the sustenance within that foundation. Like how to navigate life within the deeper cracks of life.

So, from that moment on I told myself now that I know my true problem, that I really have no problem at all, I was free of this angst I had been living in for the past couple of weeks.

It’s funny because my brother Tyler often reminded me prior to leaving that I was not on vacation for a year, that I would need to be working, contributing, somehow. I agreed, at the time, taking that duty very seriously, but after the Buddhism experience, I realized not that he was wrong, but that maybe I put too much weight into his words. No, I’m not on vacation here, but I’m obviously not sitting in Blaine during a staff development meeting either…

The next few days were much more relaxed than the previous ones. I slept in, went to the pool at the hotel, treated myself to a FAT cheeseburger, and met some new friends at a pub. It was awesome and I felt light. I had fully let go of what I thought my time here in Asia would consist of and it was liberating and fulfilling all in itself.

My new friend that I met from South Africa. We talked for about three hours about life in Africa and he had become very jaded toward people of color due to his experiences. I challenged him on a lot of what he was saying, reminding him that if we lose love for our fellow brothers and sisters than we are losing a part of ourselves. Although I don’t remember his name, I’ll forever remember our conversation. He thanked me and hugged me before we left, and Ben snapped this photo.

Then, as the world works in mysterious ways, I got an email this morning.

She had previously denied my volunteering request to help out on her eco-friendly house/retreat center but she emailed me saying with the subject line “I’m rethinking your request…”

The email was an invitation to help her on her retreat center in the garden; planting fruit trees, watering the plants and weeding.

She wanted my help!

And it’s funny because I often tell my friends/students the second they stop looking for love, or the perfect job, or the perfect house, when they let go of that, is when it will come to them. But it’s always easier to give advice than to take it, right?

So maybe Paulo was telling me to pay more attention to my road. My experiences are not determined by a destination of helping someone, or being part of a community, or financially contributing to our cause, my destination is the journey.

Honestly, I have no idea what to expect from here on out, and I think that’s absolutely okay.

Tanna Gavin

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