I’m fine, farinha
Life here has a funny way of making each day seem to last a lifetime, but each week, each month pass by before I’ve even had a chance to process anything that’s happened.
I’ve struggled a lot with how to write this next update of mine. So much has happened in these past short months filled with long days. At first, I waited. I waited for my mind to clear up, for my thoughts to be coherent, for things to get easier, for the vividness to fade away. But with each day deceivingly long, and each month deceivingly short, there still hasn’t been a space for me to exhale and now, two, almost three months have slipped away unnoticed. I’ve postponed, postponed, postponed, threw myself into work, tried to laugh my mind off of things, but I think I’m finally ready now. I’m forcing myself to be ready. There’s no real easy way to say this, but
my brother passed away
At first, I didn’t want to tell anyone. Maybe it was a inexplicable sense of shame, years of unconscious conditioning to make me feel like my weaknesses and pain were mine to bear alone. It was a painfully searing sense of vulnerability that I really couldn’t bear to breathe life into with my words. Call it a denial of my new reality.
my brother is dead
I wanted to keep things separate, keep this blog about my Peace Corps experiences, but this really is a part of my Peace Corps experience. I couldn’t go on to blog about how great teaching in a different country was while I was colored by my brother’s death and my parents’ and my own grief. But I want to remember, I want to share, and so I find myself here. Sharing.
my brother committed suicide
I am here sharing. I didn’t want to share. I couldn’t explain why I didn’t want to share. I can’t explain why I do want to share. I hate the attention. I hate the pity. I hate the position of comforting others that arises when I break the news. I hate answering “How are you?”. It’s exhausting work. But I get it and I know it all comes from a place of the best intentions. Isn’t the reason why something like this occurs all attributed to the fact that we do keep our pain hidden away into the darker corners of our minds? I do have more to say on this topic, but perhaps another time.
And so the part of me that feels strongly that people should feel safe to share not only their triumphs, but also their pains, failures, and fears has won this time. I’ve been overwhelmed with the amount of good intention and outpouring of generosity from everyone and will be eternally grateful. I am appreciative of every house call, phone call, every “But really, how are you?”, every listening ear. I don’t know what I did to end up with the kindest, most compassionate, empathetic, loving, group of friends anyone could ever ask for. There’s really no way I would’ve made it without you all.
So to answer the question, how are you?
I’m fine. Estou bem. Really. Or at least I know that I’ll get there one day. When I heard the news, I did briefly consider ending my service early, but to be completely honest, it was only a fleeting thought, disappearing completely when I did go back to the US. What would I do at home? Get a new job? I still have unfinished work I’d like to accomplish here in my community in Moz. I wasn’t at all fine then, I’m not necessarily “fine” now, but it’s getting a lot easier to answer the usual courteous “Como está?” here with usual courteous “Estou bem” and mean it. It took a (frustrating) while to get into my classes since the school year started without me, but now, I’ve got my favorites and my not so favorites (shh). If I didn’t have an appreciation for teachers before, I now have so much appreciation. It’s unexpectedly difficult to stay completely unbiased while grading papers for the aforementioned favorites and not so favorites. It’s also difficult to stay unbiased for those poor students at the bottom of my stack of reports after I’ve already read and graded 60+ reports on the same topic. So major kudos to all teachers out there!
I’m also helping to continue a library program started here by some PCVs before me. It’s great because it works two-fold — our students here at the teaching institute get practice teaching younger children in Homoíne, as well as a chance to go out and about in the village and the young children get help learning to read and write Portuguese. It’s also been a good way for the students at my school and me to get to know each other on a different level than just teacher and student, which has made me feel a lot more comfortable at school. I guess at the end of the day, being back in Mozambique has really solidified my choice to return to service and I am so unendingly appreciative to my parents for their support in my decision and so lucky that I have a roommate and community in Mozambique that have created a place I want to return back to. With that, I’ll leave off here with a few pictures of things I’ve been up to in these past few months.
Até a próxima,
