13/06/22

He texted me. I didn’t want that. The second I got a text from an unsaved number asking how I was, I panicked.

I thought I was fine, since it had been over a week since the mistake of letting some stranger into my apartment to makeout and feel me up. I’ve been trying so hard to forget.

I feel such shame and disgust over it. I didn’t want it. I didn’t say that in the moment, but I didn’t want any of it. I was being polite, testing the waters, but I look back at it all with regret.

I’ve only told one person the bare bones of what happened, xxxx. I told him, and he said I was bad at telling stories and we laughed. He said I should have started the story off that nothing too bad happened. I was assaulted, we didn’t need to call the cops. I was just feeling shamed and embarassed.

And he said that it wasn’t that big of a deal. And I’m glad he said that, because it makes me feel less bad about it. Xxxx has a story about a girl at a club making out with him unprompted, and how that was weird for him. He laughs the story off as a whacky happenstance, my tale is one I want to forget and burry.

So the guy texted me, and I lied.

I said I didn’t have the number saved and asked who it was. He replied it was xxxxx and that we had met downtown like a week ago. I felt like vomitting. I get these texts right before going into the grocery store and the whole time I was inside, my head was spinning and I wanted to vomit.

I texted that didn’t sound familiar and that I thought he had the wrong number. No reply back.

Part of me wants it to stay that way, just ending with that. Part of me wants and official acknowledgement that the conversation is over. A “sorry, no worries” or something of that kin.

Not to go nuclear, but I plan to delete the text thread and block the number. I’ll give it a bit in case there’s a reply, in case I need to further my story of “sorry you have the wrong number.”

I think this was the best route to go. I told xxxxx I wouldn’t fuck him because I’d never had sex, I told him I was moving in a month, I told him things about my personal relationship experience I wish I hadn’t.

And I gave him my number. Something I regret.

But if he believes that he really is texting the wrong number, that helps. I lied about my number, what else did I lie about? My sexual experience, my future plans, my name?

That’s really it, if I had lied about my name and not taken him back to my place, I might not feel as bad. But I brough him to my home and I told him at least my first name, I can’t recall if I told him my last. But maybe now he’ll think it was all a lie. I hope he does.

Xxxx went on a date with a girl last night. It lasted like 5 hours. So did their first one. They kissed. I’m happy for him.

I had a lil crush on him for awhile, I was open to the idea of fucking him. But I’m glad I didn’t. I think that wouldn’t have been good for us. So I’m glad he’s met this girl. Even though they’re both travelling the next few weeks and won’t see each other, I hope they start a relationship when they get back. That’d be good for him.

I move in about 10 days. I need to pack up my things, I need to clean. I’ve said goodbyes to people already. A few people I might see again, or I know I will. But the majority have already left town and who knows when I’ll see them again.

I’m sad about it, but probably not as sad as I should be. Probably because it’s summer. And even if we had another year of school, we’d all be doing our own things, going home or whatever, and wouldn’t see one another anyways.

Same feeling with classes, it hasn’t hit me that I graduated. Because even if I had another year, I would not currently be doing classes. It’ll all hit me in like August or September. Or maybe it won’t.

I need to lose weight. I though I could lose weight this quarter, but I didn’t. Well, I did. I lost about 15 pounds. Then I started binge eating, probably from stress, and gained back 10. Crazy how that works.

When I’m home, I think I’ll eat less and I’ll go on walks. Those things alone should help me lose weight. And then that will continue in Florida.

I don’t know, I don’t really like the way I look. I was talking about this with xxxx and xxxx a few weeks back. Xxxx thought it was funny. He pointed out the contradiction of my ego with my body dysmorphia. How can I be so self centered but hate myself at that same time? He’s right. It’s funny. We all had a laugh about it.

I’m going to miss them. Who knows the next time we’re all together again? Probably someone’s wedding. I hope there’s a time before that. I hope we continue to text each other and call one another. I hope we stay friends. The importance we hold in each others lives will change, but I hope we can still be friends.

I love them, I really do. I love a lot of people I’ve met at college. I’m going to miss them. I hope they love me too. And I hope they miss me.

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