Right about now, parents of all races are upset about the violence in Charlottesville, Virginia. How do we talk to our children about what happened, what it means for our country, and what role, if any, they have in all of this mess. Charlottesville is only 45 minutes from where I live, and I have three children. Only one is still a minor, but our children are always our babies. Many of us are worried, and rightfully so.
You don’t have to live near the violence to be concerned. And your race does not matter when it comes to educating your kids about violence and hatred. Saying nothing is, for the record, one of the worst choices you can make for your children. The problem with silence is that the selfsame forces that allowed the racist rhetoric to spiral out of control will eventually find their way to your children. If you have failed to equip them with the words, tools, values, and resources to stand up for what is right, you have not prepared them well at all.
Conversations about race, racism, and violence should always be age appropriate. There is no need to show a five year-old the video footage of Heather and the other protesters being mowed down by a speeding vehicle. It is appropriate to take the opportunity to convey messages of love and inclusion by using examples and metaphors they can understand and relate to. For example, you might say: “Remember when your classmate got in trouble for bullying your friend? Well there’s a lot of news right now about adults being mean to each other. That is why it’s so important for us to be kind to our friends and to apologize when we say mean things. No one is supposed to treat people badly, not kids or adults. Kindness is important. How do you feel about being kind?”
Focus on behaviors, not people at first. It’s perfectly appropriate to acknowledge that “Our friends can be all different colors, and religions, and even from different countries! It’s like a rainbow or a box of crayons — people can be different, and they are all special and beautiful even if we don’t always understand how they talk, or dress, or think. Would you like to have a box of crayons all one color? Would it be easy to draw a picture of flowers and a tree and a rainbow with just one color?” There are also a myriad of age appropriate children’s books about diversity, for example What’s The Difference: Being Different is Amazing, by Doyin Richards. Read them books with main characters who are different from them. Normalize diversity at every opportunity.
Teens and older kids can handle a much more direct conversation. And they need directness from their parents and caretakers. They are getting overt messages of bias all day. Teens and pre-teens need to know your values. Even if you are aware of your own biased feelings, equip your kids with the freedom to explore broader understanding than your own. In a highly globalized world, bias about aspects of people that they cannot control (race, ethnicity, gender, etc.) is a liability that can limit your children’s success. Don’t be afraid to take a strong stance in the privacy of your home. Say the words. “What happened in Charlottesville was wrong. Violence is not the way to make a point. Invoking images of the KKK was an unkind and terrible choice. Heritage is fine. Hatred is not.”
Diversity is a reality that no amount of violence or hatred will eliminate. Besides, don’t we want our kids to be better than us? They won’t necessarily learn to be inclusive without our help, guidance, and even permission. Tell them you expect them to make better choices than you and your generation did. Tell your kids you believe in them and that you know they have good, strong, kind hearts. Tell them you expect kindness from them always. Tell them to to stand up for those being marginalized. Tell them you don’t ever want to see them or their friends on the news for choosing violence and hatred. These are not aspects of their you want to leave to chance.
