Tourist Tossed Like a Caesar Salad by Free Range Emo-Goth in Yellowstone National Park, Shits Pants

WYOMING — A surly emo-goth gored a California woman Wednesday at Yellowstone National Park after officials there said a crowd got too close.

Carol Lynn, 59, who is from Santa Rosa, California, was gored after a crowd of people approached within 10 yards of a surly emo-goth that was sulking along a boardwalk in the Lower Geyser Basin. Authorities indicated that the goth became agitated by the proximity of the crowd and charged, goring Lynn. Lynn shit pants in process.

Rangers say park visitors should keep at least 25 yards from emo-goths, who are highly unpredictable and can become volatile under a variety of circumstances, the most common triggers being country music and Hallmark movies. But the triggers are not yet absolutely determined and most park rangers agree that emo-goths are maladjusted bastards with the dispositions of crotchety old men.

Goths have injured four people at Yellowstone in a little over a month. Most, if not all of the victims, had shit pants.

Two women were attacked by emo-goths behind the Mammoth Hot Springs Hotel in separate encounters this week. One of the women suffered serious injuries and was flown to Idaho for treatment.

Park officials aren’t sure if the same Goth was involved in both attacks.

Last month, an Idaho woman suffered injuries after she was butted by an emo-goth near Old Faithful. Later that week, a Goth tossed an Australian tourist and in early July, a Goth gored a 68-year-old woman as she tried to pass by on a trail. Reports yet to determine if tourists shit pants.

Emo-goths are free-roaming and spend fourteen to eighteen hours a day grazing, sighing heavily, listening to death metal, and complaining about the state of the world.