alive today to love again

Tiffany Taylor
Nov 5 · 4 min read

Hi hello I made a commitment to post once a month, so it is about that time I give you some content, some insight into the rational and irrational thoughts that live in my brain and make up who I am.

It feels very weird that it is November. It feels very weird that in less than a month I will have two years off of drugs/alcohol. I want to talk about that for a second because recently I’ve had some new thoughts on what that means to me and looks like in my life today. For the last few months, without disclosing to many people, I began to have the idea that maybe, I am not an addict, I don’t have a problem, that being a part of a recovering community was not where I belonged. I was very much influenced by someone in my life who was having similar feelings and I let those feelings bleed into me, and I wanted to listen. During my time away from social media and a step back from certain people in my life, I was able to come to the conclusion that it does not matter what I am or the label that I choose to put onto myself. I can sit here confidently and say that two years ago I was miserable and self medicating and self harming to the point of not wanting to be apart of this life anymore. Today those feelings are few and far between and that is because I’ve taken a step back to take a honest look at myself and find the desire to change; to find a desire to live again. I surround myself with people today that share that same desire and who are some of the most genuine and honest people to ever come into my life. Without a community of people to share the most absurd and honest thoughts with, I would not be able to navigate my feelings and my actions in a positive way. I am accepted for who I am and where I am at in the most raw form; I don’t have to put on a face, a persona, an act to be loved by the people in my life today. If you know me at all, what a fucking gift.

With that being said, I’m feeling reflective. I am a reflective ass bitch though who puts weight on the past and sentiment on everything. I was thinking today on my drive to work how some people are so guarded and put walls up so high that they don’t experience love, and not just in a romantic sense. I wear my feelings on my sleeve and keep my guard at a minimum and I believe I do that because what a loss it would be to not feel any of those gifts in this lifetime. I don’t know what comes after this but I want to love regardless of the ending and without fear. (Although I am always afraid and I am trying very hard to combat that)

I’ve been hurt and I’ve hurt others. I’ve especially been hurt by people who I thought would never cross that line. It can cloud my present with people who are not doing that. It can put thoughts in my head that maybe everyone is going to hurt me. It’s hard to be caught off guard with feelings/situations that you were not prepared for. It’s then hard to experience vulnerability again without fear of the same. I want to let people in despite those fears. I want to be a person that is not defined by what has happened or what will. Feelings haven’t killed me yet and I am sure that I rather take a chance to experience something so free and so magical then to let it go because I am scared. That has been a huge theme for me this year: it’s all fear.

Because it is.

I make decisions or I don’t based on fear. To combat or to hide.
All I can do is be honest with myself and others. To make decisions that are not based on reactions but rather based in reality. To express emotions but to listen, to empathize. I still don’t know how to practice all of these things.
I want to try really hard to grow. I always want to grow.
I’m grateful to have a partner and a friend that wants the same.

This last year has been full of letting love in and letting it go. I have learned about patience and kindness. I have learned about boundaries and when it’s time to let go. It’s just another year where I’ve learned I am going to be okay despite all of the other shit. Another year where my mental health did not dominate me. Another year where I said fuck it and kept moving.
Thank you to anyone that held my hand this year.

Two more months left in the year and I am anticipating them to be good.
However I hold no expectations just excitement.

Thanks for letting me share.

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