Day One of Freelancing (again): Dazed and Doubtful

Feeling cold, in the literal sense, all day. It’s rainy and gloomy out, but I actually haven’t looked outside much, I just hear the on and off again rain against my million thoughts running through my brain. This time it feels a bit different than the last time I decided to leave my full time job into the unknown. I’ve been feeling so much within the last two weeks, within the last couple of months actually, since I decided to take this next step. I realize I never had the time to stop and process all my thoughts before I was thrown into the next thing. Today is the first day without a full list of to-dos knowing I’ll collapse on my bed at night to repeat again the next day. Today is the first day I’m not jumping on an airplane 20 hours away from home and instantly being immersed with unconditional love and support from family, some I’m meeting for the first time. Today is the first day I’m not feeling an overwhelming amount of inspiration and gratitude from a new found simplicity of life and being shown how the smallest things can make your heart feel so full (more on my trip later).

Today, “everyday life” settled in and I actually had to face my decision and take action. It’s one thing to imagine the things you’d do if you leave your 9–5 job and another to actually have to face it. This is the second time I’ve done it and I’ve realized the second time around actually isn’t easier. The thought, “you can’t fail”, has been racing through my head at the end of every thought more so than before and I realized this fear is making me procrastinate more, check Instagram, check Twitter, respond to email inquiries; doing the things that don’t require you to face the bigger picture. The hard part has been snapping out of it and pushing through it, by making/creating/doing something that will benefit my goals — which means not trying to find a new photo to post on IG, or thinking of how to sum up how I’m feeling in a 140 character tweet, or trying to find the perfect header photo for my Twitter profile (god knows we allow these things to take mind-numbing minutes/hours to pass time). Luckily, I’ve already made a list of things I need to get done and I can say that I’ve started a number of them (start a new logo, sketch new website ideas, break down bigger plans into smaller steps), but it’s killing me how these things are only the beginning and I’ve only just begun to scratch the surface.

All I can do now is trust in myself and all the reasons why I made this decision, push aside the feelings of doubt, thoughts of what other people might think, of what my parents are thinking, of where my next paycheck will come from, etc, and trust in my ability and dedication to do all of the things I’ve set out to do because honestly, I know and have always known, I wouldn’t be happier doing anything else.

But, god, I forgot how hard and mentally draining this process is.