A Letter of Resignation to my Father
Dear 爸爸 Father,
You may not know this about me. But I write a lot when I feel internally conflicted. This is my process. I jump into things without clearly thinking. Carry on living. And then something happens where I get hurt. I then question my intuition and where I went wrong, pull out deep repressed feelings, scattered thoughts pound my head until I make myself sit still and write it all down. Awareness. Forgiveness. Action. This letter to you is my next step of action. Here it goes #verbalvombomb #epiphanytiffany moments.
We are going to talk about feelings. You and I can’t avoid this forever.
Before you read on, I want to ask for your patience with me upfront. Please listen and hear my voice as your daughter, not as your employee.
The truth is I have tried to write this letter many times to you for the past year. I stop myself just as I start with “Dear Dad Boss,” and I become paralyzed with fear over how to articulate my thoughts of self doubt, scared that everything my subconscious would spew out would be seen as signs of weakness. My intuition was held back and I was afraid to admit my wishes, hopes, dreams, and fears, knowing that these may very well conflict with the roadmap you’ve pictured for me.
YOUR INFLUENCE
You see, you’ve always influenced me throughout my life. Even when you would only visit us twice a year. Growing your business was always first priority when you had families to support. Throughout my privileged and blissful adolescence in America, I had resented China for taking you away, learned how to deal with the sudden goodbyes, and embraced wide-smiling Daddy-figure while it lasted.
My first childhood memory was when you taught me how to ride a bike. I distinctly remember my first fall, eyes wide seeing blood. It was exhilarating. You took me into your arms, cleaned my wound, and pushed me to try again. Ever since then, in everything I approached, I would sprint (and trip) before I was ready to walk. Physical pain was nothing against mental strength.
In the moments where I made you proud, you’d whisper in my ear “你是我的什麼？(What are you to me?)” And I would squeal, as if it was our little secret “心肝寶貝! (My darling sweetheart)”. As a sensitive middle child, I craved the attention and validation.
During grade school years, you’d still take me on your lap as if I was still your baby girl. “Are you at the top of your class yet?” While I was never naturally intelligent in many areas of academia, I did work hard. My friends would tease me on how overly competitive I was, constantly keeping score in my head. While Melody and Lawrence chose to go to art school, I chose to stay close to home and pursue business. It wasn’t really ever spoken. I knew that was what you expected from me.
Growing up to this point, I’ve lived in fear of letting you down. I see that now.
Let’s rewind. Beautiful solid years of sunshine solo bike rides, adventure time and creating memories with friends across the world. 25 years on my own navigating the philosophical playground of education, career, love, and grabbing life by it’s horns. Falling. Tripping. Dusting myself up with style. I was free to be me with the distant shadow of your influence in the back of my mind.
Fast forward 2014. I’m living and working in Yiwu, China, a rural industrial complex, 40 minutes from signs of civilization. Bemused and curious. There is a junkyard where they burn heaps of trash and a restaurant that serves dog meat within walking distance. Work-life balance? Hm…let’s just say I rather preferred to stay inside and work as much as I could. Work became life.
After 25 years of being on my own, I find myself back on your lap again. Only this time this is your turf and I’m on top of your throne. All of this slowly and very quickly unravels itself to become an unconventional adventure.
Fast forward to present day. I’m the daughter you place on the left side at the dinner table. I call you by 大林先生 Mr. Lin. We don’t talk anymore unless we really need to discuss work issues. The tension is as thick as the pollution is in Beijing.
“WHAT ARE YOU TO ME NOW?”
Remember how it had been between us when I first started? We used to get into heated arguments at the office, walk 3 floors up to our “home” and continue arguing about transparency in the supply chain (the biggest oxymoron ever) at the dinner table. Your voice was always louder than mine.
“This is China. This is how it is here. You need to accept it.”
It felt like everything I knew or grew up to believe had to be erased to make room for my new reality. The communication and management styles from my previous life held no ground when doing business here. And very quickly the picture of life being a colorful playground of collaboration turned into a chaotic trade market of barked orders and screaming babies.
Back then I cared enough to give an opinion. Now it’s become like I would rather just not talk to you at all to avoid getting publicly shamed or belittled.
Indifference. Definitely bad for our business and for our father-daughter turned employer-employee relationship.
Today, I am taking a stand against indifference and apathy towards my relationships. Today, I am speaking out. Because no matter how much your stubbornness makes me want to scream and jump in front of China incoming traffic, I know in my heart that I deeply love you.
I don’t want a relationship with you where I speak half truths or don’t speak at all. I want to be heard and I hope you can listen. I want to coexist again.
There is more to share. But first I want to thank you. For building a life for me and around me. For giving me this opportunity to learn, manage, and navigate in-between culture dynamics. For giving me time off when I needed it. For pushing me beyond my limits. For loving me so patiently. The colorful and carefree life that I lived growing up was a construct of many years of 吃苦 (hardship) from you and mom. Indirectly, (and to you, perhaps ironically), you created the beautiful wild soul that brews within me today. I am privileged. I know that.
For me, you will always be my father before being my boss.
DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE
On the path to 接班 “taking over” the family business was the biggest jump I’ve taken without understanding how big of a fall that was. I will admit it is part of my impulsive personality to jump without knowing what is on the other side. But now I feel like I’ve tripped and fell into this dark Great Firewall of a rabbit hole. It’s been two years and I haven’t stopped stumbling. All I want is to get out of this polluted wonderland and see sunshine again.
Rooted deep within me is a highly emotional third culture kid suffering from privilege guilt, caught in an internal battle between eastern Confucian filial piety morals and a millennial mentality full of western mantras “Do What Makes you Happy.”
Increasingly feeling explosive pent up aggression that I am not living the life I want to live. Brooding, contentious, more and more uncompromising, scattered. Imagine a self destructive ticking time bomb covered with flashes of angst, wistfulness, longing, and trepidation. Throw in some Chinese fireworks and glitter. The fuse is burning shorter and shorter. This is how I would describe my soul screaming “BURN OUT.”
I often ask myself “What am I good for?” “What is this all for?” I acknowledge that I am doing work but none of this produces one unit of happiness that directly translates to fulfillment in my life. And I feel guilty as a second generation family business owner that I am not as invested into this as you.
I know I struggle with patience. I’m stubborn when it comes to admitting defeat. I will fake it as long as I can make it.
But sometimes courage is knowing when to call quits on something you know you cannot change.
REVELATIONS AND HARD TRUTHS
The following are painful realizations about my character that I bravely forced myself to extract this past month traveling. The truth hurts but I’m glad I had the time and space to reflect and start to take the next courageous steps towards action.
I’ve realized recently, like mom, I am too willing to accommodate my life for someone else’s needs. Why? Perhaps I find it easier to distract myself with someone else’s problems than deal with the responsibility of my own life. Now, I’m asking myself..
“What kind of life is worth living if it’s for somebody else?”
Try to see me as an independent entity, an extension of your personality, and know in your heart that you also believe the same.
To this day, I would like to believe that I determined my own life trajectory. You were subtle in your ways, but I was the one who chose to leave my comfortable 9–5 and give Asia a try. I wanted to understand my Taiwanese heritage as much as it divided and united me. I wanted to try to understand my position in my family and my responsibility towards them. I chose to work in China to finally be closer to you and I wanted to help. I needed to prove something to you and to myself.
For my sake, I need to believe again that I took this on willingly. I also need to admit to myself, two years later that I‘m faltering in my own self journey. I have to remember that I still have freedom of choice to make my own future life plans. At any point.
If I were to be completely honest, I’ve always known that one day I would choose to work by your side. Perhaps that’s why I juggled internship after internship, industry after industry, subconsciously morphing my career ladder into a noncommittal jungle gym. Perhaps, I already felt the safety blanket that was tucked over me the day I was born. It was all unsaid, but I believe everything happens for a reason.
I used the family business as a fallback option instead of fully immersing myself completely into anything I wanted but was too afraid to invest the time to pursue. Does that make me entitled or scared? I’m not sure anymore.
And the moment I discovered that my whole pursuit in my own journey was blocked by fear, I had a meltdown.
Fear of independence, fear of disapproval, fear of the hardship of figuring out what I’m really good for. This realization was painfully cathartic. It was like the invisible strings that tied me up as a puppet grew less taut. I realize have a lot to work on and a lot to fight for.
WOW-OW-OW. All of that said hurts my brain and my ego but I think I’m starting to just scratch the surface.
I may not know much about my self worth (for now) but I do know one thing: I am relentlessly working on myself, fighting for the truth, and creating honest relationships. Don’t worry about me. Even if it means I’m resenting and forgiving myself all within one day, I’ll be okay. So long as I start to take back control of my life.
What I’m working up the courage now to tell you is that I no longer want to fall victim to circumstance. I don’t want to live a life where I compromise my lifestyle and values. I want to change the conversation about what constitutes success. I want to find community, follow my intuition, and strengthen my voice. I know I can’t do that in the Mainland and I need to leave before I break.
I know this is all hard to take in. What this means for your life. Your company. Your retirement plan. Your face. Your legacy. Your relationship with me. I hope you can understand where all of this is coming from. I’ll try my best to describe my world to you from my perspective.
“HAVE YOU ADJUSTED?”
Fact: These last two years were hard on my mentality, soul, and body.
I was forced to grow up very fast, expected to do too much, and in my mind I did nothing at all. Merely existing in this new environment was a daily battle on my general optimism over life. I felt my negativity overpower as the Great Firewall not only found its way to eventually block Netflix, but also my creative expression and any source of inspirational flow. Having no community or a sense of belonging, I slowly lost my voice.
It was a foggy haze of an existence keeping up appearances. Nobody seemed to mean what they say and say what they mean. Forever branded as 老板的女儿“Boss daughter”, I slowly came to the realization that I couldn’t make real genuine friends at work. Who can I confide about issues such as identity and family and my relationship?
More than a year ago, I felt liberated when coming out to myself and to my digitalized world online. As I continued to live in China, that empowered feeling was slowly hushed back into the closet again.
Even when I thought I knew myself, I realized I could not be 100% authentic. I was insecure that being queer in this super heteronormative culture will surely bring outside noise that I wasn’t ready to take on; shame to my loved ones and general discomfort to those around me.
“Nobody understands me”
In any case, I tried to adapt as much as I could with becoming a walking paradox, east meets west hybrid, a bridge between two conflicting cultures. For the sake of 關係 relationships, I would consciously try to shove sexism and mansplaining aside and say “this is how it is here,” and then 乾杯 (cheers) to people I didn’t really respect. It gets exhausting to constantly step out of myself, see things for how they are, and adjust to life according to society’s expectations.
Your poker friends would often ask me “你习惯了吗?” (Have you adjusted to life here yet?). Month 3, Month 6, Year 1, Year 2. My resting bitch face says “I cant even” and I want to shout about how the oily food gives me constipation, how the pollution makes my skin break out, how I am so stressed with work I don’t care to step outside most days. But I muster a fake half smile-shrug, mumble“很难说” (hard to say) and walk to my room where I wait for the other side of the world to respond to emails. There was no point in ranting when it wouldn’t make a difference to how my own body was responding to my self isolation.
“WHAT IS THIS ALL FOR?”
While stressful, work kept me going. It’s a tough time though when fast fashion is continuously beating us down and the rest of the world plays the “Let’s Blame China” game. The demands are higher and they do not work in our favor. Lower MOQs with more variety. Faster production time with longer payment terms. Better quality with lower costs. Oh, more claims. It doesn’t end.
The truth is I am proud to defend ODES when things get real. We are the absolute BEST at what we do. And I love speaking to our customers about all of the work we put in, despite all the shit we put up with. But guess what I realized, nobody wants to hear the behind the scenes factory shenanigans just like nobody wants to know how the cow gets butchered for their Happy Meal. In this business, all they care about is matching their target cost. Blind eyes about how it’s done. “We can always blame China” when shit gets real mentality. And I can’t call it out how it is because we are just another cog in this game.
With my eyes open, I see how our overworked development team hustle to create thousands of styles of fashion jewelry to fuel the materialistic world of capitalism that I left behind. All of this hard work, for a further negotiated significantly reduced margin. Because the threat we receive from our customers switching suppliers is real in this competitively desperate industry. Meanwhile, I’m suspecting they run off with our original designs to pass off to the lowest bidder anyway. This distrust runs both ways up and down the value chain. No loyalty in this game.
While consumers now can get their jewelry discounted at 50% online at major retailers, people’s livelihoods are haggled down to mere cents. I’m bitter and remorseful; everything will just end up in a landfill some day. I wonder if our workers ask the same thing I do. “What is this all for?”
And then I see it. When I train the few girls in our office who have great potential, those who I had called friends, 1 by 1 they leave their job behind to pursue the next phase in their lives. By the critical age 27, most of our workers leave our company to get married and have children. And that’s the answer. Circle of life. They work for money. They leave for family. No loyalty at work.
Family. I know I’m working for the Linning Legacy. But seriously? Life is so absurd to me right now, I can’t even picture what my future family portrait would look like. Is there room for that in my life?
Work aside, I learned a lot about myself and how I cope with my feelings; how painful it feels to slowly diminish into indifference and feel my brain grow numb with cynical negativity, how unhealthy I can be when I use alcohol and cigarettes to curb boredom and loneliness. On better days, I would force myself to dance alone in my room, music blasting. I tried to feign strength and keep you unaware of my quiet meltdowns. I really did.
I see that you want so desperately for me to “grow up”. And I feel conflicted because there is a disconnect between the real me and the person you want me to be. Nothing I was doing was worthy of recognition or fulfilling my potential. I don’t know what I’m chasing anymore. I feel saddened that I can’t find a way to cultivate the better version of myself and that I am simultaneously failing you. I am failing myself.
Negativity is the devil to creativity.
DIVIDED AND DEPLETED
I realize now that I cannot become completely submersed into this role or even grow to gradually love it, especially when my wandering mind and ever expansive heart will always be floating somewhere else.
Before you pin all of this “emotional rant” on my recent breakup, please keep in mind that I’ve had these feelings of self-doubt about my place here for a very long time. If it wasn’t for my failed relationship, it would have been something else down the line. I was a ticking time bomb that just happened to explode at…
“I don’t think we should do this anymore.”
She had told me that she was going to move to China a week before uttering those words via Skype. I was already crying before it happened, my heart sensing that what we had probably wouldn’t have lasted the struggle of navigating the crude reality of this environment.
Whatever complex I had with pretending to be strong and thinking I could manage to control my life crashed that day.
For 15 months, I had poured all of the fragments of my personality and attention everyday to the first relationship I ever cared about. She was my only support system when work, family, society shot me down. I can admit this now but I used my long distance relationship to distract me from the gradual emptiness I was feeling inside. In many ways, the only time I was happy with the person I was becoming was when I was with her.
But it wasn’t enough. I think back to the question she told me once to consider
“Are you willing to sacrifice your relationship and friendships for the sake of your family business in China?”
I couldn’t answer her then. I thought I could juggle it all with just quality time trips back and forth. The truth is that I just felt more divided and depleted as parts of my identity were split in three countries. I was lost.
The ticking bomb of fireworks and glitter blew up as I thought about sacrifice. How I am sacrificing everything I wanted and so organically cultivated for a life in a toxic environment I was growing to resent. And then there was the fear of being abandoned, betrayed, replaced, and worst forgotten.
I was alone. And I knew lying in the dark that I can’t trust anybody but myself to get out of this dark pit. No loyalty in relationships.
MY PROCESS
I woke up the next day and decided to work in bed. Eyes swollen, I suddenly had this urgent need to write. No point in looking down my phone as solace to my pain. No point in latching to someone when I clearly needed to figure myself out.
Within a few hours, I dissected my feelings and wrote a poem dedicated to my Heartbreak. It was cathartic and so started my process of recovery.
I made myself exercise the next day. Two days later, I packed my bags and left China. I told you I was going to Shanghai to meet Caryn but I went to Kota Kinabalu first instead. I don’t know why I lied. Perhaps guilt for leaving the Mainland.
It wasn’t the most responsible thing I could do during busy buying season, but for everybody’s sake, I needed time for myself. You saw that I was in no condition to lead or entertain. Thank you for giving me that.
“This feels right. I know what I need”
So for one month, I poked and prodded my self-worth through travel for fresh perspective and reconnected with old friends to salvage parts of my old vibrant personality.
From scuba diving in KK to dancing in the desert in LA, I followed my feelings and out organically came truth bombs #verbalvombom via poetry about the struggle of living a life half lived, in-between, intention, energy, betrayal, commitment, fear, rebirth, adulthood. Everything I was feeling, I was reeling and embracing. And through writing, I was empowered. I found my voice and flushed out my pain. I revisited dark corners of my ego and personality and found my soul was stronger than I gave it credit for. It was always there. It just needed the right vibes. The strength of my character exists and pushes onward!
Through travel, I chased my feelings and saw the infinite possibilities. Through my close relationships, I rediscovered my old self and got back my intuition.
In truth, I was long overdue for home. It was nice to find my glow again.
BACK HOME
During the trip back to the States, I came to realize how incredibly strong and independent all of my friends are in this stage of adulthood. Awe inspired at where their own individual journeys are taking them in career, education and love, I became more and more emboldened to take my life seriously. It was nice to share and finally vocalize my feelings of self doubt for the first time. Without flinching, they stood by me as they’ve always done in constant support. They listened.
Through the art of storytelling, my soul felt lighter. I’m instantly reminded of the positive influence they have towards my character and confidence. How much I can learn, teach, share under guidance and real constructive conversation. These people are my family and they empower me to grow, to follow my own way.
“So when will you come back home?”
I hear this question often in the past 3 years of rushed hello’s and goodbye’s. I could never articulate well as I struggle to grasp where “home” is.
Some friends look into my evading eyes, knowing I’ve been dealing with insecurity from being away for far too long. We then go dancing and my body does the talking for me, the important need to migrate the repressed soul in my psyche into physical expression through interpretive dance. It’s cathartic and therapeutic and it looks like my body is literally seizuring. Before I know it, I stomp in a blackout frenzy on the ground until there is blood on my knees. My very being is giving me the beauty of release. My wild soul is liberated through Ellie Goulding’s cries of “Anything Can Happen” and is reborn through “But, I don’t think I need you.” I feel my skin glowing again!
The transitory period of my life that looks like a dark pit of fearful uncertainty is still there but there began a shimmer of a beautiful white “anything can happen” light. I was gaining consciousness of where my life could go and there was strength knowing that my unwavering optimistic spirit will always guide me in the right direction. Single, reborn, and free to think on my own.
That night was the first time I sat still and started writing this letter to you.
During the last few days of my time in New York, some friends hold onto me, knowing I’ll have to confront you about my decision and feelings. I’m scared and I look into their eyes for strength. And then I begin to see how they wish so desperately that I can believe in the goodness inside of me again. While life in China brought me down, I could bring myself out.
That I can get anything I want as long as I trust myself. And that I deserve to be happy and healthy in the right environment.
They believe in me. I want to believe in me too.
NEXT STEPS
So here is my long convoluted not so professional resignation letter. If you can’t tell by now, clearly I am not emotionally mature or mindfully present to be “Sunshine” Community Manager or “Kiss Ass” Customer Relations Manager.
On a practical note, I currently lack the confidence and intellect it takes to operate a Chinese-run business. I know it would take a few more years of “adjusting” and training, but I am terrified of the idea of sacrificing more time down that path. This is not what I need right now.
I can acknowledge that it isn’t the work itself, but the environment that is the crux of my unhappiness. I am so proud of everything our company stands for and will continue to support from afar at any chance I can. I hope that by moving out of Yiwu during this time will give me the fresh perspective I need to rebuild relationships, come up with new ideas, and have creative visions to take our business to the next level. Maybe I’ll come back, if you still need/want me, as an entirely different and capable person. Be prepared for the possibility that maybe I won’t come back at all. Anything can happen.
I have no doubt that the rest of the second generation, my cousins and my siblings, will continue to hold down the fort to further grow our company and support our customers. I’m incredibly grateful for this experience to work by their side and I see how much we’ve all grown and united throughout this all. Thank you for giving us that. It’s time for the art kids to take over the show. I have 100% faith in them and you should too. They will always hold my respect and my continuous support.
For me, as a blossoming creative masked in a business clown’s suit, I am ready to admit what I want. I get really visibly excited at the idea of pursuing collaborative communities, writing, dancing, and free forms of expression. The truth is I yearn to nourish my creativity and am both terrified and scared at the depths of where it could take me. And the more I shudder at that thought, the more I think that this is just the beginning and I am at a very good place to be.
Please know that I will never look back at the last two years I spent with you in regret. I am aware of such a rare opportunity you’ve given me to learn from the ground up. It was a surreal experience that I knew I needed in order to make this decision today. Even now as I’m reminiscing the past, and taking note of the impact on my health and soul, I’m admiring and memorializing this feeling, this experience. I am so much stronger than I was before. I am so much more real and open.
My biggest takeaway is knowing what it looks like when I see someone who is truly passionate about their life work. I will always see you.
It’s about time I discovered that feeling for myself.
Dad, I hope you can understand where I’m coming from. Ultimately, I don’t need your support. All I need is your respect. While it is emotionally terrifying for me to do this; to face inward and ask what I want for my life, I choose happiness and freedom to be my authentic self. I choose to find my own way back home.
Through all of this, I found out that I am the only one I can count on to pick myself up from any negative situation. Out of dark rabbit holes and into the sunlight. Thank you for that life lesson.
To finally conclude, here is a poem to sum up my feelings.
The wheels on this bike are spinning in the dark
But my legs quiver as I lose balance on these eggshells
Paralyzed, unable to shift my own weight in zero gravity
Anxious, my muscle memory shudders with self doubt
Across the dark hole blocking the light, I saw a shimmer
The depths of my fear cloaked as my father’s shadow
Fingers grasping, he was holding my Intuition back
“Stay, stay here with me.”
My life flashed before me, Awareness
And as the bike came crashing down, my Ego fell with it
To have one last dance with Fear
“I could push myself from here.”
Knees skinned red, heart pounding, Consciousness
I awake with sudden clarity
My Soul had pushed itself forward into the light
“It’s time for you to let me go”
Reaching out of the black hole womb, Reborn
Out of the hole of darkness, lays my bike as I left it
I felt my thighs strongly turn the pedals
With every push, came a wave of confidence
As I feel my Heart beat and my cheeks lift up
I gain momentum and speed on my own
To chase the sunlight waiting for me
On the long way back home
Looking over my shoulder
“I will make you proud one day.”
With love always,
Your 心肝宝贝
Tiffany
Thank you for listening. Please pass this letter along to any internally conflicted millennial second generation family business owner who may also struggle with the question “is this really what I want to do (right now?)” For my own recovery process and for the sake of building community, it would be great to connect and share stories. Nobody should have to feel like they are in this alone.
