How Yet Another New Zealand Actor that Australia Stole Fought Dinosaurs, AKA “Newman stuffs the whole thing up”.

Like many films of the 1990’s, this one came from a Michael Crichton book. Spawning decades of “incompetence porn” and endless internet memes, this movie is as iconic and quotable a diatribe on why you just shouldn’t fuckin do some things as Samuel Taylor Coleridges’ “Rime of the Ancient Mariner.”

Every year at Christmas the Attenborough dinner is a nightmare. It was constant one upmanship from Sir David, famous biologist, and the late Lord Richard, famous actor. Sir Richard has had it up to here with Sir David’s infinite documentaries, so after reading “Billy and the Cloneasaurus” he decides to out do his brother biologically — with a whole park of mother fucking dinosaurs.

Now, you may think this is a bad idea and a bit of a dick move (pun intended). 65 million years of evolution yadda yadda, seperated by time yadda yadda, pandoras box (*snort*) and so on — but it actually starts pretty well. Using frozen moscato or something, Sir Dick combines some ancient murder beast DNA strands with some modern day reptile and amphibian DNA and produces, funnily enough, modern murder beasts. Generally speaking they’re well controlled, but when one has a bit of a snack on a poor innocent worker, Sir Dick’s investors get a bit jittery and ask him to put together a bit of an audit. Having seen Work Health & Safety legislation, I can only imagine the fun of that.

Anyway, Sir Dick’s team consists of Newman from Seinfeld, who has been fired from the post office for trying to help Kramer get bottles to Michigan for a 10 cent refund, a Big Game Hunter (an englishman named Bob Peck playing a Kenyan named Robert Muldoon), and Nick Motherfuckin Fury, who is undercover or something. There’s also a bunch of scienticians, including BD Wong (who comes back for the fourth and fifth movies), but they’re mostly just background distractions from the real show.

“Team! Team, team, team, team, team. I even love saying the word ‘team’. You probably think this is a picture [on the desk] of my family? No! It’s a picture of The A-Team. Bodie, Doyle, Tiger, the Jewellery Man “— Denholm Reynholm, the IT Crowd

Maybe Nick Fury had a word in Sir Dicks ear or something, because soon enough a team (unfortunately not the A Team, above) is being put together. First he gets an asshole lawyer — don’t worry, he’s the first to get eaten — then he gets Jeff Goldblum, who as best I can tell is playing a Wild Mage from Dungeons and Dragons, and Sam Neill and Laura Dern. Laura Dern is a Paleobotanist, which is just awesome, while Sam Neill is kinda like Ross from Friends, but with a little less Rachael boning and a little more threatening little kids with a raptor claw because he hates kids.

Which is tops, because we have raptors, and we have kids, and yes — they end up in the same, jelly quivering place.

Sir Dick convinces these people to both go on the audit, AND to babysit his grandkids, because although he seems really nice to their face he obviously kinda wants them to get eaten by dinosaurs. He sends them all out on an automated tour of the park, while Newman gets up to no good and begins to fuck everyone over.

So, since leaving the post office, Newman’s had it rough. First he had to move in with Kramer after the bottle scam exploded, then he had to dump his girlfriend because he couldn’t handle that she’d dated Gery, and then on one shitstorm of a bender finally went cannibal, killing and eating Kramer after seasoning him with parmesan and oregano. Suffice to say America is no longer safe for him and he needs money so he hooks up with this guy Dobson, Master of Disguise(™) for a bit of nefarious thievery. Dobson gives him this awesome Barbasol can that doubles as a deep freeze and offers him a fuck ton of money to steal some dino embryos. With no moral compunctions on his shoulders whatsoever Newman goes for it, shutting down the entire parks security system to cover his ass.

Dobson would have been the next James Bond, had Newman not ruined things for him.

Meanwhile, team audit are out cavorting around the park, crying at the wonders of science, and running freely without any supervision or armed support, children on board. Sam Neill literally cuddles up to a sick Triceratops, with god only knows how little regard for his own personal safety, and lies against it breathing giving us one of the best animated .GIF’s ever when combined with a scene of Jeff Goldblum from later in the movie. Giant piles of shit and potential dino biohazards aside, the team continue on, sad that the T-Rex can’t be baited with a chained goat, until lo and behold Newman’s shitty program cuts power to everything just as a mega storm settles in.

Now, it might be just me, but were I Sir Dick and about to lose everything if the audit team didn’t report back well, I think I’d have pulled them back in when the storm was on the way. I mean, he evacuated the rest of the island, what about them? Does he WANT Sir David to win this cock contest?

Naturally, team audit is stuck outside the T-Rex pen, which for some reason is part of what Newman has disabled. Now I’m not sure if that was intentional or not, the asshole was shutting down gates and fences so he could sneak through the park and get to a rendezvous with Dobson, Master of Disguise(™), but I for one had doubts he’d go through the T-Rex pen. Of course, it doesn’t really matter, because a little Dilophosaurus ends up ripping him to shreds. That’s the one that kinda looks like the gecko outfit Hugo Weaving wore in Priscilla, and the reason I feel uneasy trying to get my dog to “fetch the stick”.

Am I digressing? I’m digressing. Sue me, it’s a cute dinosaur.

Stunningly, the T-Rex has indeed eaten the goat, but when it’s wifi is gone it realises the power is down, and decides to break out of its pen and see what Ford Explorer tastes like. Turns out they taste pretty shit, but they DO contain fleeing lawyers and screaming children. The fleeing lawyer gets eaten (on the shitter, no less), poor Jeff Goldblum gets flung around a bit (he can’t die like in the book, we need his sexyness for sequels and he needs to save us from aliens in Independence Day yet), and Sam Neill’s worst nightmare comes true when he gets stuck up a tree with the kids. Now, how exactly he got stuck up the tree is a bit weird, because a moment ago the T-Rex walked over the fence to get at the cars, and then it flings one of said cards over the very same rail and down what looks like a really high wall. Look, maybe the T-Rex had climbed a tree too, maybe it’s pen was bigger on the inside, or it had a really big fucken pogo stick or something — I dunno.

Overnight shit gets much worse back at the compound around Sir Dick. He decides he should probably send Big Game Hunter and Laura Dern out to fetch the children because he doesn’t want them eaten after all, so they go and find the wreckage of the Explorers and a very beaten Jeff Goldblum, who has somehow managed to hide from the T-Rex. Turns out it’s lurking about like a sneaky puppy when dad’s cooking a BBQ though, and it ends up chasing the three of them snapping at the back of the jeep. Meanwhile, Nick Fury smokes enough cigarettes to give a small elephant lung cancer, and tries to fix the motherfuckin’ computer.

In a decision that labels him as one of the few sane & rational adults in the entire series, Sam Neill gets the kids the fuck out of that T-Rex paddock and back towards the compound. While he takes them on a magical mystery tour of veggie-saurs, spotting the T-Rex along the way, Laura Dern and Big Game Hunter leave the compound to chase up what happened to Nick Fury, who went to go reset the power. Apparently you need to go outside to do that, which seems like a spectacularly smart desi- oh wait, nevermind.

Maybe she’s born with it, maybe life, uh, finds a way?

With a quote that will last the ages, Big Game Hunter gets surrounded by the pack hunting raptors and eaten as their matriarch Maybelline looks on contentedly. Turns out he was right, velociraptors are serious business, especially when they’re cloned and grown to MANY times their original size of a small dog. Regardless, all the life lessons I learned from XKCD.com are absolutely going to save my life one day — don’t fuck with raptors. Meanwhile, Jeff Goldblum does that sexy open shirt/heavy breathing posing that fifteen years later someone will combine in that animated .GIF I mentioned earlier for a truly amazing image.

Now, Sam Neill plays a CLASSIC Dad Joke on the kids, proving he’s just a big kid at heart and showing us everyone should give being a dickhead a go. Faced with an unpowered electric fence, he pretends to shock himself, opening up millions of drop kicks across the world to do similar for years, get actually shocked, and end up as the butt of emergency room jokes. He’s actually right about it being unpowered though and he and the kids climb over, but as they get to the top it starts to come back on because Laura Dern HAS hit the switch in the power room, and poor little Timmy gets zapped to fly through the air with the greatest of unease. Luckily Sam Neill knows CPR because he has an electric fence at home, and has seen people shot through the air before.

Having hit the power button, Laura Dern almost gets eaten by raptors like Big Game Hunter, declining to beat one to death with the severed arm of Nick Fury in the power station. Now look, any video game enthusiast knows, if you go somewhere and a weird weapon pops up, it’s PROBABLY THE KEY TO DEFEATING THE NEXT BOSS. For all we’ll ever know, severed arms are like, a raptors achilles heel. Anyway, it’s probably not really Nick Fury’s motherfuckin’ arm, I bet it was just a life model decoy and he just lost an eye or some shit.

XKCD, a webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language.

Limping quite hastily back to the compound, Laura runs into Sam and they have a happy reunion while back at the compound the unguarded children get the living shit scared out of them by raptors. That’s right folks, a raptor can open a door given ten minutes, and subsequent doors in five minutes — go to XKCD it’s a real thing — so the kids run into the kitchen and with much fuckery manage to lock one Raptor in the freezer while escaping the second somehow.

Laura & Sam get back to the kids and the main office of the computer, where Newmans stupid face is probably still repeating “Uh, uh, uh” on a screen somewhere. While Sam & Laura try to hold the door shut against the raptors, Lex, the other kidlet, manages so somehow develop super l337 h4xx0r skills that would put Neo to shame, and reboots all the security systems in the park. Seriously, are we sure SHE wasn’t The One?

Anyway, in a colossally stupid move Sam Neill appears to shoot out the window that is keeping the Raptors at bay, so they escape through the roof, down some scaffolding, and into the main foyer of the compound just in time for the raptors (who apparently have fantastic spatial awareness and mapping memory) to corner them. Luckily, the T-Rex has gotten bored of eating all the slow, easy to catch prey on the island, and decides that coming inside a building it doesn’t really fit in and attacking said raptors is a much better deal. Personally, I think it came for the T-Rex skeleton that was there, maybe it was a thing like elephants with graveyards and remains? Who knows.

While the T-Rex is distracted with raptor chow(™), the four escapees run into Sir Dick, jump on a helicopter, and GTFO. Speaking of GTFO, Sir Dick decides this whole thing wasn’t such a good idea when Sam Neill declines to endorse the park, so I’m sure he destroys any and all other dinosaurs he happens to have bred anywhere else. Phil Tippett, you’ve dodged a bullett.

The T-Rex has one final alpha male roar over the remains of the skeleton as the Jurassic Park banner falls to the ground with perfect cinematic timing, and then Nick Fury shows up (I knew he was still alive) and asks the T-Rex if it thinks it’s the only super hero in the world, and tells it he’s forming a team.