Surrender At The Border

4 Alex

i told you it would change you, and it did/ your confusion and total exploding billionminded blindsided came a vast and sinking theme: emerging from your delicious lips, alex, contradictions piled onto the graves of other contradictions, you smell like him/ i told you there would be a wall but there is still a bridge, and i told you this could happen and you would have some decisions to make/ it will leave you speechless for the rest of your life like do i follow him and if i do, how is his culture going to take this, for that matter how is this culture going to take this/ who the fuck knows, here’s what i think/ his family wants him back, you are not his family, you don’t even speak his language/ you made yourself available to him and he invested, you both did, but this is now bigger than either one of you times ten, how is he supposed to live with you so the two of you can play bumblecumbo-house/ grow up/ you have to choose/ and don’t tempt me to tie you down if you don’t make the decision that puts him first because that is how this is played/ you are not going to change those rules/ he’s at risk here, and he is at risk there especially with you around and in his pants, and don’t even think about it, it will not happen, his attraction to you is about his pain and how scared he is, this has to happen/ you are not ingrid bergman and he is cary grant i don’t care if you don’t know who these people are it is irrelevant/ he’s in limbo and so are the rest of us and what kind of limbo will it be with you in places you never thought anyone could touch, but it’s over because it has to be and you scare me half to death because the two of you would fucking disappear, and that is what he is going to do and they will be arriving as soon as we make the bridge and your feeling he is without people who care deeply for him, you are painfully mistaken/ you were there because you insisted you wanted to help so put all your stereotypes away, i love you, too/ and you’ll fucking get over it/ there will be no hiv meds for you in mexico, period/ and then where is this going to be you are under no obligation to me to make any kind of fucking sense that put him first, and what he needs, first, and before your needs to be wanted, but the gap between the two of you is wider than you so cavalierly assume/ the two of you are childish players in a very serious big girl scene — bigger and tougher than the two of you can withstand — you put him in jeopardy well it’s time to come down from your heroic horse sweetheart and start understanding that there are realities more compelling than an adolescent take that sees the two of you as victims, young man, it’s not your fault what is your fault is your take on what reality is when confronted with a whole new world/ you didn’t cause this problem what you did was keep him safe, you did not know you had it in you but you have more internalized backbone, baby, than johnny johnies dick when lubricated/ you, along with the rest of us we will do this for now/ you would stand for him while the silence sings like a purr and gentle strut, did stand by him and i would strongly argue that one sweet son is still young enough to need his parents and you cannot replace them, and this would damage him and damage drain him of all his whispers and what the fuck are you doing/ and i want you to stop stop stop he is in the world and you owe it to him to be glad for him because it puts him back into the realm of they do the best they can/ this is not about some reality tv take on relationships and you have had none, and tricks don’t count/ tricks do not, they do not — fucking count/ the rains are moving east this year while uttering one is back to he will have so many mornings where his wings will remember you vanished, but he knew the best parts of you, parts and thrills and now the anguish of remembering the little sins where flames on the vroadmeet dreams and your erect resurrected surrendered creams now infected by a virus that is going to take more time and attention and cost that right now, baby, you cannot even begin to imagine/ you kept him out of detention, that is no small thing, detention is simply not safe for boys and there it is/ you kept him away from that, and now you have to reach down into all your second selves and look at what is best for him, because this is about him, not you, and you will never regret for an instant you did this, you resisted, you did the best you could by getting him back to his family versus the all too often culture of rape that exists in any antiquated notion of what would be one fucking step away from the problems of revenge/ our institutions have failed us because we have failed to recognize that any investment in generosity precludes revenge to the very dark darkest roots this side of the galaxy/ you prevented all of that happening to someone because you’ve been there and you’ve been burned as a razorstrap by a razorstrap, but you decided not to live in that inauspicious entrapment they have the fucking nerve to call love whatever love is, and then it all came crashing down to see so much of yourself in him and it rocked your world/ when what you have discovered is humility exists in the world where you really live, and it is where the dignity you seek is found in this one place humility, look at all the things you want to do, it’s as daunting as the day you will leave him at the motherfucking bridge but that’s what bridges are created to do and you will be doing it with us, and we will not leave your side for one minute during that last, they are made of winter, these small moments where the snake so piously has eaten his stupid tail/ and all the hugs from hell will set upon you, and you will find the way back into this place we have carved out for ourselves, and it’s mobile at the moment because that is what it takes, a complete reconstruction of the stability that is not stability, you can be burned out at any motion of the sun creeping far too close and for all of those people who were burned or smoked out, the dollars bleed out themselves, and you fought that fire with tenacity, alex, and you will keep discovering things you do not now know in this bottle we both live in, and i am glad to be with you on this roadtrip we are the pilgrims/ existence might be a thunderous event, the bawdy dream of death, the tokens of our subway loves, detonates the boys and the tune of i know i can and the final exam turns like an animal, the kamikaze man/