“I’m sorry for your loss.”

Those are the words that everyone says. I know they mean well, and I’m not going to criticize anyone for using those words because I don’t know of anything better to say myself when I’m on the other side of the fence and I’m saying those words to someone else. They’re pre-programmed, the default.

But those words and many others (“If there’s anything at all I can do…”, “What can I do to help…”, etc.) that are said at these times are woefully inadequate and they really don’t help. I’m not being ungrateful or surly or ungracious — it’s just that there are no words that can help at this time.

I must grieve. I must feel my feelings — I must get angry at my beloved for leaving me; I must be unforgiving of myself for not doing more, for not spending more time, for not noticing something important that I “should have” noticed; I must cry and sob and beg and plead; most of all I must allow myself to be sad.

All this before I can accept what has happened, before I can understand why, before I can begin to move forward — please don’t tell me I’ll “move on with my life”, what does that even mean?

Grief has to be taken in slowly, in small doses. It has to be woven into the fabric of our lives little by little, only as much as we can stand at once — some days more than others. When we integrate our grief this way, it has a better chance of making us stronger people, rather than washing us away.

So please don’t say those words to me, “I’m sorry for your loss.” I know you feel sorry for me, you don’t have to tell me. Instead, hold a space for my grief. Tell me you feel sad too. Tell me you care about me and that you won’t abandon me. That’s what I need to hear so that my grief has a place to live while I absorb it.

No, I will never be the same, never again, without him physically by my side. That really, really sucks and I can’t see past the emptiness I feel. But as I begin to work through the grief, I’ll begin to realize that my husband is always with me; he lives on in my memories, dreams, hopes, and most of all, the love I still and will always have for him.