Yes, Canada is everything you think

Unboxing the Canadian Citizenship Guide this Christmas

Wondering what to give that “special someone” this XMAS season?

Well, I just received my free copy of the “only” official study guide for the Canadian citizenship test which I’m proud to say I am eligible to take in June of next year.

Suffice it to say I am FRACKING PUMPED!!!

Where can I buy my official paddles??

Looks like there is a lot of paddling in my future! LOL!!!

God, it’s a good thing I LOVE PADDLING — oh wait…
At this point, I have to ask myself: Am I ready for this much paddling?

Do they sell freedom fries in Canada?

I never thought, as a “freedom-loving American” that this would feel so right, but let’s just say after recent events — and watching Netflix’s The Crown — I am ready to take the oath

Though, I think I will use the word “affirm” as I like that language better.

Sure, why not! — “What have I got to lose?”

I have to admit — I’m having trouble parsing this sentence from the description above about the Sovereign personifying Canada and Canada personifying the Sovereign. Sounds a little… mystical if you ask me, but given the alternative timeline unfolding directly South, let’s just say I’m willing to give it a shot at this point — amirite??

— OK that animated gif is not in the “official handbook” but it ought to be! —



If you use anything other than the official study guide to learn about reality or history — or, God forbid, math or science — you do so at your own risk!

How monarchical is that statement? It’s hilarious.

Still, how many *mean* Canadians have you met?

And let’s not forget, America:

Canada burned down the White House once already!

Do not f *** with us!
“The Americans were mistaken.”

Funny how this fact is more or less omitted from U.S. educational systems. Haha, what War of 1812? Wait — what’s history again??

Because beavers and hockey and stuff…

Bow before our holy symbols, ye believers and non-believers alike! Come and melt into our humble, tolerant, overly apologetic stew of multi-culturalism and late night donuts!

Which way to Tim Horton’s?

We wish you a “Happy Christmas!”

Oh right, and — you know — have fun with whatever it is you guys are planning to do for “government” back home!!! // hahahahahhahahahaha

We use “laws” — ever heard of it??


I mean, at least if we’re gonna live in a world controlled by self-important rich white people, let’s have them ostensibly stand for an institution with rules, traditions and “order” instead of just like… whatever fucking thing happens to be trending on Twitter right now. Because, all that glitters is not blah blah blah… amirite? // I'm here all week, folks! Join my newsletter!!

See? I told you I was ready to take the oath, suckers!!!!!!!!!!!

I almost even already know the names of all the provinces — because there aren’t that many of them… What were you guys thinking!

Okay, I guess some of them are “territories?” — but whatever, it takes all kinds, I guess!

This is too easy to get into your country, you guys! I’d say let’s start building a wall now to keep out all the future me’s, but we’re all gonna be too busy paddling, so what’s the use! WHOOO!!!

Oh, and hey, how cool is this — Canadian Rangers?

Helmoquinth Anthuor, wut!
Winter is coming — but from the South! Whoops!

And a Happy New Year!

Oh, and I almost forgot, this special “Holiday Blessing:”

Have fun in 2017
without socialized healthcare, 
willfully ruining the environment 
in your already over-populated country 
as wave after wave of Climate Refugees 
increasingly strain your aging infrastructure, 
job market, and dwindling water supplies — 
I’m sure that’s going to work out 
just fine for you!!!!!

Just paddled down from Canada, and boy are my arms tired!