Tips for Writing a Condescending “Why I’m Leaving Medium” Piece

So you’ve been on Medium for a month, and the essays you’ve put up haven’t gotten the traction you wish they had. Should you take a more critical eye to your writing and see how you can improve? Or keep trying to build a following on this platform?

(Long, sustained laughter.)

No. Obviously it’s time to quit Medium. But before you do, know that there’s a protocol you have to follow when leaving this community. Remember, this is MEDIUM. When you leave, it’s important to write a holier-than-thou article informing people that your writing is too good to be successful on this writing platform. That’s why I’ve laid out these simple tips for anyone to follow when they decide to write a “Why I’m Leaving Medium” piece. Let me know if I missed any, enjoy!

First, Type “leaving” Into Google and Use an Image You Find As Your Cover Photo

For starters, you’re going to want to use an image that really hits home what a big deal it is that you’re leaving Medium, and how hard it’s going to be for this website without you. Try something subtle, like a person walking away:

Or something like…

Or try something even more nuanced like an open door…

Next, Slip Your Accolades As a Writer Into Your Introductory Paragraph

Remember, you’re leaving Medium because this community can’t handle your genius. So, let them know that! Mention the publications you’ve written for or casually bring up how many Twitter followers you have. People love when writers do that in conversation, so why not do it here? And similar to your cover photo, be subtle. Something like…

“I was chatting with (slightly more notable writer) and we talked about why Medium just isn’t as exciting as (publication/social media platform you want to promote) and how few Medium writers have been nominated for (literary award you received that your personality depends on).”

Write Off All Other Work on Medium As Clickbait or Mindless Self-Help Articles That Are Below You

You really want this to be the bulk of your essay. You have to hit home your thesis: that you came to Medium hoping that it would be a platform where unknown writers could publish their work, hone their voice, and get noticed. Unfortunately, the whole website is just full of all these people you’ve never heard of writing stuff you don’t like and getting more attention, which is not fair. So write off all these unknowns as “amateur” or “unprofessional” or the community as “cliquey” just to hit home that you could absolutely conquer this platform if you wanted, but you don’t feel like it.

Finally, Make Broad, Sweeping Generalizations About Medium As a Company and Its Employees

Pretty straightforward, use your experience having written a few pieces on Medium to describe how it’s “over.” Then link to your website or preferred social media platform that the Medium followers that didn’t like your articles can now follow you on. Finally, describe how you truly hope Medium gets its act together as a way of showing how open minded you are. Extra points in this section if you speak with a false sense of authority about publishing or the tech industry!

(Optional) Two Days Later, Write an Article About How People Have Shown You How Great Medium is

Writing a “Why I’m Leaving Medium” piece is, as it turns out, a great way to increase your visibility on Medium. So if you receive a great deal of attention for leaving, why not use that momentum and start publishing on Medium again? This a great tactic that you can use again and again. Just remember to switch up your title each time, to something like “Why I’m Leaving Medium Again” or “Guys, I’m Really Leaving Medium this Time. Like, for Real.”