Here’s a list of stuff that I hate

This list will grow and grow as my loathing stretches across the world. The stuff you love is on here, because you’re also repulsive.

  1. People who say, “Everyone’s on their damn phones all the time.” My phone lets me judge people’s attractiveness with a swipe and watch TV. People can’t do that. You know what they do? Try to talk to me while we’re both peeing in the urinal. People are the worst. I will be on my phone forever.
  2. Aging: I was once a beautiful man-swan. Now, I am overweight by about 60 pounds and use Head & Shoulders. I used to go out on the town on consecutive nights, and now I watch Netflix with a bottle of wine. Dear God, please end this now.
  3. Feet: Gross. I’d rather stare into the sun for an hour than catch a glimpse of your foot, which has a gross middle toe that hangs out WAY further than the others. What the hell, pig? Wear shoes!
  4. This mother: Basic chores are not women’s work. Women’s work is yelling at men for leaving the toilet seat up, while struggling to digest the concept of looking before sitting. You can tell this kid hates his life in the photos; constantly being told that just because he’s a man, he is not above brushing his teeth, getting a job, and paying taxes. You know, stereotypes only applied to women.
  5. Beer connoisseurs: On the rare occasions I do go out, I never drink beer. Ever. Because some white guy with an argyle sweater, jeans, and those weird Sketchers shoes is going to strike up a conversation about beers. “I see you’re drinking Bud Light, not much of a true beer guy, right? Have you tried this place’s Light Ale? You’ll love it.” Have you tried not talking to me and diving off the roof? I’ll love that.
  6. Conversations at the urinal: What kind of anarchist bullcrap is this? A stranger, compelled by his demonic obsession with engaging in small talk, walks up next to me, prepares himself to do the deed, and decides now is the perfect time to get my thoughts on the day’s weather. But does he outright ask for it? No, he simply makes a vague, dead-end comment in which I must somehow respond to, in order to kick off the worst conversation with an adult man. 
    “Cold out.” 
    ………………yep. 
    “Think it will end?”
    ………………it’s January, so, no. 
    “…….Man, basketball, am I ri — 
    I AM MID-STREAM! SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU ANIMAL!
  7. When people think a person is invincible to criticism because they’re “nice”: Sure, Mark is probably the nicest guy in the world and I bet he feeds a lot of people down at the soup kitchen, but he keeps asking me if I am working hard or hardly working, and once told me his niece is the greatest part of his life, and I hate him more than any living being on the planet.
  8. People who call their dogs their kids: There isn’t enough food in my stomach to vomit my disgust. Nothing kindles the fire like throwing Christmas photos of my friend, their equally dumb wife/husband, and their turd-eating dog. 
    Merry Christmas, you psychopaths.
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