Anger
“Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end.”
Proverbs 29:11
This is my oldest friend and my greatest enemy ask anyone in my family and they’ll tell you. Yeah, I have mostly gotten over it and I’m mostly a calm guy (Mostly, meaning I still sometimes get angry. I know what you’re thinking of and I apologized for that and I’ll try not to make it happen again) but if you are a member of my family, or a close family friend (or my phone or my laptop or my bed), you would most probably have seen my other side. I personally think that the main source of my anger is my stubbornness. Pretty foolish but then anger does rest in the bosom of fools.
Yes, I quote the bible but in my defense I’m pretty sure I would have come up with it eventually. Anyway, my anger evolved over the years I don’t know if it has gotten better or worse all I know is that it has changed. Five years ago, my anger was physical, I punched and kicked and hit (and screamed and cried). Now, it’s verbal (so there is a lot more screaming and crying than before, unless you’re my laptop and you freeze during my online class, there is a lot of hitting involved there.) I don’t if it is better for those involved but I know it’s different.
Personally, I think that this is worse because before I felt bad but now, I feel sad. I guess I finally have empathy. Whatever good that does.
From what I can tell my anger comes from stubbornness (that I got from someone in my family, i’m still trying to figure out who) when I want something done my way and it doesn’t, I get angry. Usually, when I feel something I don’t want to feel, I get angry. So, after I have gone through the emotional roller-coaster the first time around and I want to feel calm, I seclude myself, when I come out of seclusion and see the other person getting better, I get angry and lash out.
I don’t know why, I think it’s because I go through this pain for the other person and they just are better when I had cried for them. I guess a part of me hates that and wants then to fell as bad as I did then. This is my biggest problem: I am emotional and after I lash out, I feel bad for it, but when the other guy is recovering better than I am I pull them down.
Yep. I most definitely have issues to work out hopefully this helps me. Because I think apologizing can only work so many times before it becomes meaningless. As I mature, I get more in touch with my inner self and to make the man I want to be it is taking time but I’m getting there hopefully I finish before I destroy all my relationships.
Something else I realized is that when I lash out in anger I can hurt or kill someone emotionally (and hypothetically physically, but it’ll never get that far. I won’t let it get that far) and I don’t want to that because well even if you don’t believe in the fact that after we die we will have to account for everything we did on earth, there is still karma. If you get the results of what you do later in life I want to have as little negativity in my life as possible.
Anyway, I’ll end with this: what is more memorable the pain caused by the strong or prideful or the actions of the kind, because from my experience the pain stays the longest.
