“I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: ‘If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?’ And whenever the answer has been No too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.” — Steve Jobs
Honesty seems like a good thing. The truth is honest, for example. But honesty can be passive. It can go nowhere. You can be honest with yourself, and achieve nothing.
This is what hit me in June. I was confronted with a wall of internal honesty. The fog had been clearing for months, showing me larger swaths of that wall.
And then it was there. I was honest with myself — unhappy, unfulfilled, trudging daily without goal or motivation. Now what?
A few times in my life I’ve been fortunate (!) to experience something so overwhelming, that the old way is no longer an option. My plan was to stay in Pittsburgh for a year, work full-time, transition to a hopeful feature film, then move to LA. I could perpetuate this plan — but in the face of newfound honesty, it would’ve been onerous to endure.
So, I quit silent honesty for authenticity.
Honesty in action.
Did you know I wrote a book in 2009? Most of my friends and acquainatances are not aware of that, because even if I were honest about it, that detail didn’t fit into an inauthentic life. I felt intimidated any time I admitted it.
I thought because I was just shy. I think it’s because I was perpetuating my own failure. I hadn’t seen the wall just yet.
Seventeen years after a covert medical operation, turmoil takes over the life of Oswin, an everyday teen guy with a pet black cube.
The new superpower is the least of his worries — his best friend thinks him a fraud, a surgeon blackmails his life, and his adoptive family cannot accept his love.
With an alien object whispering in his head, Oswin struggles between a decision to give up life as he knew it, or stand up for the truth of who he really is.
My role models are people like Steve Jobs, Chris Guillebeau, Simona Rich. What in the world am I doing, suffocating my own expression, location-locked, drowning in mundane western culture instead of investing in spiritual discovery?
Authenticity doesn’t permit perpetuation.
So I’m leaving Pittsburgh and moving back home. I’m going to give the book a final review and publish it. I’ll freelance to a few cities. In October I’m attending a silent 10-day meditation retreat, for the third time. And if I make it to Los Angeles, it may very well be in an RV.