time alone is time well spent

13,505 days of shame

wow. think about that number — 13,505 days (or 37.3 years), that is a lot of days. this is how long I kept my mouth shut, not because I didn’t want to get rid of the suffocating feelings I felt of shame, guilt, worthlessness, valuelessness, being a reject, but because boys ‘don’t cry’ or they’re a sissy, young men have to ‘grow up’ or else something’s wrong with them, and men have to just ‘handle it’ or else they aren’t really a man at all. they’re weak, half-a-man as it were. (Aren’t you sick of this world?)

Jesus lived on earth a total of 12,227 days, (33.7 years) give or take. I think of all the things imperfect, spiteful and wicked men visciously called him to his face as well as sarcastically behind his back, while he was here on the earth. they called him blasphemous and hurtful things such as he broke ‘God’s own mosaic law’ (matthew 12:1–21), that ‘Jesus’ power came from the devil’ (matthew 12:22–37). they openly called him ‘insane’ ‘crazy’ and ‘out of his mind’ (john 10:20), judged harshly and incorrectly labeled him as a sinner, claiming he ‘violated the holy sabbath because he healed others’ (mark 3:1–5; luke 6:6–11). shortly after all these false accusations made against Jesus, they killed him based on false trumped up charges. and Jesus was the greatest man who has ever lived, who was perfect and ‘without sin’ according to our creator. (hebrews 4:15).

does this not break your heart a little? Jesus himself was not valued by the majority he came in contact with daily? he was seen as insane; and even worse, as a demon. how disheartening this must have been for Jesus at times…

have you ever experienced similar feelings? have others said false things directly to you, or to others about you, that we’re damaging to your reputation and/or killed your joy for some time?

my calculation of my 13,505 days of shame and pain is nothing more than that, a formula used to count time and associate its impact on a fixed object or process. it just so happens to fit well here on this subject of shame and how it takes a toll on us as fellow humans.

as to Jesus’ example being used here, it should simultaneously break our heart as well as refresh our heart that Jesus got the same reaction while on earth that you and I have. he was not valued by the majority, he was seen as insane (having a mental disorder, mental illness, crazy); and even worse, as a demon.

at the same time, the way Jesus was treated by the ignorant ones of his day, is encouraging. yes because Jesus himself encountered the very same response many of us face daily. in fact, it is still him that is getting this response today. Jesus has ‘been here and done that’, so he completely understands our condition and sympathizes and refreshes us with his own compassion by reminding us of his infinite power and desire to save and heal us imperfect sinners from whatever maladies we struggle with each day.

ok, bring on day 13,506…. #icandothis



*as i was writing this, i came upon this article which was an awesome read. i found it encouraging so i’m putting a link here to it for any who’d like to read it.

Depression — What Can Help?

link: https://www.jw.org/en/publications/magazines/awake-no1-2017-february/teen-depression-help/