100 Things I Learned During The First Year After My Daughter Died

Photo by Luis Morera on Unsplash

One year ago today, my youngest daughter Orli died almost exactly six months after her 19th birthday. Before that terrible phone call informing me of her death, I was a happy and busy wife and mother of three daughters. I was adjusting to being an empty nester by making new plans. I retired from working in special education, started graduate school for counseling, began dancing lessons with my husband and looked forward to new adventures. I was so proud of my three girls and I couldn’t wait to see all the wonderful things they would do. Then the bottom fell out, my life turned upside down, and no one in our family will ever be the same.

Orli my sweet girl, I miss you so much. You have touched and enriched so many lives. I am so lucky to have known you — I just wish it was for longer.

I’ve compiled this list (not in order of importance) of my experiences, revelations, and insights for others going through this particular loss in the hopes that fellow sufferers do not feel so alone.

1. Part of me died too — strangely only my family has noticed
2. Profound grief will change you forever
3. The world moves on even though part of mine is frozen forever
4. Everything is now categorized into “before” and “after”
5. Some think it causes me pain when they talk about her — It pains me when they don’t
6. Holidays, anniversaries, milestones, and birthdays are bittersweet, painful, and sometimes unendurable — it’s ok to give yourself a break from them until you figure out a way to celebrate in a meaningful way that honors your loss
7. My pain is brutal but it is worse to see my spouse and two daughters suffer and be unable to fix it or make it better
8. I don’t only grieve the loss of my daughter but I grieve our family dynamic which will never be the same
9. Most people mean well even those who are insensitive and unintentionally cruel
10. People will say stupid things to you — really stupid things
11. Cliches get old very quickly
12. Grief will affect relationships — previous bonds can break but some will be strengthened
13. Some former friends are awkward, thoughtless, or just disappear
14. Some former and new friends are kind, loyal, generous, and compassionate
15. It is hard to connect with people who have not suffered a significant loss in their lives
16. It is easier to make new friendships so that I am not compared to or expected to be like my former self
17. I no longer put on a facade — I speak my mind — I’m less of a pleaser — I’m more assertive
18. Grieving is debilitating and exhausting
19. PTSD is very real and won’t go away by itself
20. Grief is an expression of deep love; as painful as it is I will always love Orli and would never wish away my love for her
21. Healing is painful and takes a great deal of effort — it is much easier (though not healthier) not to make that effort
22. While my rational brain tells me not to blame myself, my heart always tells me I failed my child
23. Talking to a good therapist helps — even though they don’t have a magic wand
24. There is no quick fix
25. Do not compare your journey to another’s — this is uncharted territory — every path is unique
26. Surround yourself with those who will help and not hinder you through the grieving process
27. Please don’t tell me I’m strong — I feel weaker than I’ve ever been — I have no choice but to keep going
28. Sometimes you try to just get through the day and not look too far into the future; the present is challenging enough
29. Working to heal is so hard because it goes against our natural impulses — how can I possibly put in all the work when my daughter does not have the same chance? I don’t feel like I deserve it and I don’t want something my daughter can’t have
30. Sometimes I feel too much and sometimes I feel too little
31. Telling me about every tragic story you’ve heard is not comforting
32. I have no faith in anything other than my family and friends
33. It is hard when your spouse is having a good day and you are not and vice-versa; these days are rarely in synch
34. Life is tenuous and unpredictable
35. Tragedy is random
36. Loss triggers anxiety on many levels — It is hard not to catastrophize and worry excessively about my loved ones — I know that the worst CAN happen
37. The loss of one’s child is different than any other kind of loss
38. A mother’s loss is unique
39. Please don’t tell me I’ll feel better over time — hopefully, I’ll get more accustomed to my reality
40. I find it hard to plan for the future
41. I’m more protective of my time
42. Days are long but time passes quickly
43. The world is full of pain
44. My sadness feels bottomless
45. I’m often questioning if what I feel is normal
46. Try not to make any big changes or impulsive decisions in the first year — compare it to coming out of anesthesia after major surgery
47. Other than grief, no other emotion can be felt on its own; there is a duality of emotion — happiness is always mixed with sadness — while difficult it is also more reflective and can be more meaningful
48. The pain of loss is not only emotional — it is physical — including weight loss, fatigue, loss of focus, nausea, muscle pain, insomnia, forgetfulness, panic attacks, and the inability to cope with additional stress
49. Sometimes grief comes out of nowhere in a powerful burst and overwhelms you
50. I will never escape this pain no matter how far away I go
51. Grief is not depression, but it can trigger and exacerbate it
52. Grief is very lonely, even when surrounded by loved ones
53. I am still in shock and disbelief
54. Progress comes in baby steps — regression is part of the process
55. Sometimes when I realize I might be feeling a little better I get overwhelmed by guilt
56. People’s empathy can have a time limit, my grief does not
57. Triggers and reminders can come at any time and any place without warning
58. I have to live the rest of my life without ever knowing what really happened
59. Even though I long for more time with her, I know I am so lucky I had her for 19 years
60. Sometimes it’s ok to curl up in bed for the whole day
61. I feel more empathy toward others
62. Secondhand grief is common — I suffer when others face similar tragedies because I know every agonizing phase they will have to go through
63. I make fewer assumptions and judgments about people; I don’t know what they have gone through or are going through
64. There is no healing from this type of grief
65. Grief will grow your heart; even when filled with pain you cherish and value all you have even more
66. My loss makes me angry — Why my daughter? — Why my family? Why me?
67. Joy and happiness are possible but they are different, tempered
68. Doing things differently and creating new traditions can be helpful
69. My life used to have purpose and direction — I have to relearn how to look toward the future
70. Losing a child is like an interrupted conversation that can never be completed
71. When grieving the loss of your child you are also grieving the loss of their future and the loss of your future with them in it
72. My daughter will always be stuck at 19 — how can my life move on when hers can’t?
73. Sometimes we don’t get a do-over or second chance
74. We all heal and progress at different speeds, there is no timetable
75. There are no stages in the grief process — Grief is like a rollercoaster full of ups and downs, twists and turns, different speeds, and many jolts
76. I would not survive this without my family
77. My dog is a huge comfort to me: She’s nonjudgmental, loving, patient, and makes a good hot water bottle
78. While my impulse is to isolate myself I understand I can’t do that forever; we all need connections to survive
79. Social media is not your friend
80. Our society rebels against the true nature of grief. It stays with us for the rest of our lives and you can’t put it in a neat little box.
81. There is no quick fix, cure-all, or pill that will help you “get over it”
82. My grief belongs to me — while grief is universal, it is extremely personal — no one else can understand it — it doesn’t mean others can’t help
83. I need to be kind to myself and lower expectations
84. No one deserves this kind of hell
85. I will never be able to make sense of this loss
86. I find myself searching for meaning since the unimaginable happened — things I took for granted or believed do not make sense anymore
87. Despite my loss, I know I’m more fortunate than many, and I’m grateful
88. I feel better when I’m helping others and doing meaningful work
89. Changing your path and finding new meaning is acknowledging that your life is now different. It is not failure — it is adaptation.
90. I take nothing for granted
91. We all have a right to grieve — no one, including ourselves, can tell you when it’s time to end that process
92. Suppressing grief or trying to avoid it will only prolong it
93. Grief is messy, disorderly, unpredictable, vicious, gutting, and an acknowledgment of deep love
94. It helps to find a creative outlet for your grief; for me, it is writing–for others, it can be creating music, art, or immersing oneself in nature and beauty– it can be a valuable emotional release
95. Don’t let others tell you how to feel and don’t let yourself tell you how you are supposed to feel
96. It is a myth that grief shouldn’t last more than a year — there is no timeframe — it differs from person to person
97. Grief never goes away — hopefully, we learn to manage it better
98. Grief has changed me — I’m working hard so that it doesn’t destroy me
99. Find a way to honor the person who has passed (I’m still working on this one)
100. I wish I never had to write this list

Edit: I also wrote 100 More Things I Learned During The Second Year After My Daughter Died.