There Is No Guidebook for Grief — We All Do It Differently
We all grieve differently. Sadly I’ve been able to witness this firsthand with the shockingly incomprehensible death of my daughter. It has been only/already six weeks, though it feels like one very long day. The pain is constant yet it is accompanied by a hollow numbness. I feel like my insides have all been scooped out and I am just a walking shell of the person I used to be. I am told this feeling will abate and that eventually, I will learn to experience joy again. A death, particularly the sudden death of someone close to you, has been compared to open-heart surgery without anesthesia. It takes a drastic toll on the body and mind yet eventually you recover. You will never be the same again, and you will never fully heal or get over it, but you will learn to carry it and live with it.
I’ve read a few grief books and talked to people with similar experiences and will share the following insights and recommendations. There is no timetable for grief. The forthcoming Diagnostic Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders text revision (DSM-5-TR) states that if one has symptomatology of grief and bereavement for greater than 12 months it may meet the criteria of a disorder called Prolonged Grief Disorder. Our medical model pathologizes grief and perpetuates the belief that one should get back to normal as soon as possible. I find this assessment not only impractical but cruel. Taking a deeply human condition and natural response and treating it as an aberration is harmful and destructive. It explains why our culture and society have such a problematic response to mental illness, its resultant stigmatization, inaccurate diagnoses, and insufficient and sometimes nonexistent treatment.
Grief comes in waves. The waves are very high at first and they slowly diminish and reemerge with even greater force. It is not a linear process. The waves may be stronger during a certain time of day, day of the week, month, holiday, birthdays, anniversaries, mornings, nights, or downtime. You can see where this is going. Grief rears its ugly head at almost any time and does not require a trigger. Rather, everything can be a trigger. A beautiful sunny day, the sparkling snow, a song, a smell, certain foods, laughing children, babies, and pictures. Oh, those endless pictures of your loved one full of life and joy. How does that compute with the painful reality? Grief is a complex process with ups and downs. It needs to be honored and respected.
When a family is struck with tragedy it can be difficult as each family member will process their grief differently and at a dissimilar pace. That makes it tricky when one person is trying to distract themselves from their grief and the other is deeply entrenched. This requires a great deal of kindness, patience, and understanding. While each family member might show their grief differently, they are all equally stricken. It is so important for families to pull together, hold each other, and be nonjudgmental at these times or risk estrangement and alienation.
Friends and loved ones feel inept and helpless. I’ve heard the same refrain repeatedly, “I have no words.” That’s ok. There are no words of comfort to give someone who has gone through the worst experience of their life. The simple acknowledgment of someone’s loss is sufficient. I’ve had some people who I know very well who have been so shocked by the event that they haven’t said a word to me. That is painful. Not much is required other than, “I’m so sorry.” People who are grieving have different needs. Some are comforted by visits, phone calls, and invitations. Others may find it overwhelming and intrusive. Listen attentively to what those grieving want. They won’t want to hurt your feelings. If they say they need some space or need time, give it to them, and try again later. Some people have such a strong desire to help that it supersedes their original intent of being helpful. Rather it becomes about making themselves feel better.
For those devastated by the loss, accept any help if it relieves some of the burdens. Feel free to express any emotion. This is the one time in your life when you are allowed to let down the mask of sanguine acceptance. There is no rush toward acceptance. You are allowed to express anger. Anger is a healthy response to an unnatural situation. Practice self-care. Kindness to self is difficult when you feel you don’t deserve it. Many feel guilt-ridden and filled with self-recriminations and what-ifs. Even if they rationally know there is nothing they could do it is natural to try to rewrite the scenario to get a different outcome. Self-care, however, is the only road to survival. Make space for what you need and do what is best for you, without judging yourself or worrying about how others may judge you–those who truly care will understand.
