Blowing it

I write this because I am frustrated. I am writing this on the 23rd of December and all I can think about is how much of a failure I am. That felt relieving. You know it gets to a point when you simply have to wonder whether you are cut out for it.

When I first started this year I said I was going to do so many things, I have achieved none of them

I said that I was going to retire my father. What has happend this year was that I havent retired him. Rather this year all I have done is give him stress. I saw him cry because he wanted to go back to Ghana, I saw him bleed whilst coughing. When he was scheduled to go to Ghana he did not go because he collapsed.Even the help I have given him has been rubbish help because I cant offer to pay rent or anything. I have told myself so many times that I am going to help him, so many times I have said so. But I have disappointed him. I think my father is disappointed in me as a son. Look at me, I’m pathetic. I twitch when I talk, I stutter when I talk, I cannot cook, I cannot provide for the family even though I said I can. He is even more disappointed because he relied on me when Fanbytes got funding to help him out which I havent done. I have been a failure as a son, i have failed to take care of my father when he is ill.

At the start of the year I said that I will be closer to being a millionare. I am not. I have raised money for Fanbytes and also got a grant for Giverr and I still have not done anything. It’s been about a year since we started out on this idea and all we have done is about 7 campaigns and just bleed money that’s all we ahve done. Interestingly Giverr which has the most potential I have been reluctact to do it. Almost like I am reluctact to run a successful company. I liked being in the dumps. I did not have the self belief which told me to go forth and do it.

I wonder how it feels to be rich,to be able to move my father out so that he can finally go out to stay in Ghana. To be able to buy a nice apartment in a nice place in west london where I can stay with my mother. My mother. My mother. A woman who has suffered so much for me and I still treat her like shit. I shout at her, I call her stupid. She spent time in jail because of me. She had to run away from the country because of me. She has been drugged because of me. She has gone through a lot because of me. And how I repay her is by raining her with insults. Is by not trying my hardest to help her out. She was diagnosed with bipolar. Due to that she cannot get work, she was on benefits for a long time and I have this opportunity , with two different companies to provide for her . To get her off benefits and the little pay she has.

And I’m fucking it up.

With every day that passes that I dont get my to-do list done, I’m fucking it up.

With everyday that I dont make that call or that email to someone, I’m fucking it up.

With everydayI choose to masturbate, I’m fucking it up.

With everyday that I wake up late , I’m fucking it up.

With everyday that I go out to party instead of working, I’m fucking it up.

Unless, I change my act together, I am going to continously fuck it up . Until I’m 23 and there are no tracking back steps. And there is nowhere to hide. And I’ll cry to myself that I blew it. That I had the intellect and I had the urgency and I had the drive but I blew it.

“ I fucked it up”.

Im not sure what happened with my A -level grades: AAB. When I was predicted A*AA. Predictions aside, I should have got an A* in history-Jess got an A* in history and I didnt. I still dont understand how I got a B in Maths. Actually I do, it was self delusion and a lack of self awareness.

I have bipolar disorder. There I said it. Many of my grandiose ideas fail to materialize because my perception of what is real in the world is very different to what is actually real in the world. I have believed in this very fake image and delusional image of why I really am. I don’t know why.

And this year has failed:

I have failed to get any closer to retiring my father.

I have failed to get closer to realizing my dream of being a millionare by 21. Look at, a twitching stuttering pathetic boy.

I am 20 year old black boy who lives in a council estate in South East London studying Philosophy at Warwick University.

How fucking shameful. This is your life. Deal with it.

Wake up, smell the fucking roses. You are way more intelligent than Ross Bailey and Bejay Mulenga and Steven Bartlett, but they have money and you dont. You have nothing. Take off your clothes and you have nothing.

I have achieved nothing in life.

What drives me?

This is the picture that drives me:

Being 23, coming into an apartment in London where my mom is waiting for me with some food. Then calling my dad up who is Ghana and asking him how things are going with him.

I make many lists which I simply dont complete. I make many rules which I dont adhere to.

It was because I thought like a failure. There is no big revolutionary change I can make that will cause me suddenly change my life. It starts with one small step and change in behaviour.

Wake up early. Get things done within timeframes. Read more. Network aggressively.

Choose who you want to be and just be that person. There is actually nothing stopping you from doing that.

I’m not going to make some declarative statement like from this day onwards etc. Rather I shall end by saying.

I am beginning this process of choosing myself and who I want to be. There will be bumps and blips but I’ve chosen.

I have decided who I want to be and I am taking steps to realize that picture:

The picture of me walking into a house which my mother is staying in and dialling the international number to Ghana to speak to my dad at his home.