Harvard to Move To Harvard When Catastrophe Hits

Cambridge, MA — Following the previous week’s Harvard Heat Week, an event that highlights the divestment of funds from fossil fuel companies, university officials have announced a bold new plan to combat the threat of rising tides: to move.

The Emergency Preparedness (Prep-air-RED-niss) office of Harvard University held a press conference on Thursday outlining three broad based Initiating Initiatives, dubbed “initiatiatives.” These initiatiatives were based around a plan to relocate the university in the event of an ongoing emergency.

A spokeperson for the Emergency Preparedness, office, Dominic Chalmers, who is also the Supernintender of the Public Safety Brigade and director of the As Yet To Be Named Institute for Something or Other, presented the university’s plan. Chalmers displayed a map of New England, pointing to Cambridge, and then to a parcel of land close to a town named Harvard, located west of Cambridge.

Chalmers explained that the university officials wanted to create a plan that would not confuse people.

“We wanted to get the brand right. We checked water levels once all of the polar ice caps melt, and found that Harvard, Massachusetts, might be a place where we can comfortably sit and look at things that are happening outside of our campus,” Said Chalmers.

Chalmers’ then summarized the 3 initiatiatives that the plan is based around. “Number one is; we do not want to confuse anyone. Number two, is our need to be prepared. Number three, is our need to create a learning environment where people are not confused, and also prepared.”

Harvard, Massachusetts (the town) officials welcomed the idea of the university moving to Harvard. Harvard, Massachusetts’ town manager, Maya Dinger, is looking forward to the move.

“Access to education is important for every community,” Dinger said. “We are planning for the success of future generations by bring a brand like Harvard University to here. With this kind of education, you can solve the world’s problems.”

Solve the world’s problems, indeed!

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