Making Your Child “School Proof”
By Tim Horn
My wife and I are privileged enough to own three horses presently. When you think of horses, owning them may be a misnomer! Every morning and every evening my wife feeds them, waters them, and cleans their stalls. For these barn-keeping tasks she is allowed to ride them.
As she ventures off onto the trails, she is constantly retraining the horses so that her journey can be safer and more enjoyable each time. In our barn are three different horses with three different personalities. Music, our 34-year-old, is retired. Belle, a 25-year-old, is my wife’s primary horse. Taking her out onto the trails gives my wife a safe and enjoyable experience. Belle knows precisely what to expect from my wife’s riding style. There are few surprises that they are not prepared to deal with. The occasional wild turkey or fox that crosses their path is no longer seen as a distraction worthy of reaction.
When something truly out of the ordinary occurs on their jaunts, the negative reaction is minimized and they return to their pleasant task. They clearly work well as a team. Each one understands the other’s expectations and reacts accordingly when the unexpected appears. My wife has been riding and bringing along young horses for decades. When a horse has gotten to the point distractions are that minimized he or she is called “bulletproof.”
When I am working with a parent and child I think of the concept of being “bulletproof .” As children are growing up their parents are attempting to ensure that they are prepared for the wild turkeys and foxes that cross their path. Parents and children work together to create the resilience that allows for positive experiences outside the safety of their home.
As a child climbs onto the school bus or is dropped off in front of their school for the first time, the “bulletproofing” process should be well underway. To do this, the child must have an expectation of what could occur. We rebel against the unknown because it makes us feel out of balance. If I child is conditioned to understand that the unknown will occur and they feel prepared to deal with it, there is less need for rebellion or the damage it could cause.
A parent’s nature is to protect their child from all possible harm. If that protection is carried too far, it becomes counterproductive for the child’s long-term growth. It is natural and incredibly understandable to run to a child who has fallen and is starting to get up. In an undoubtedly loving action the parent can create a negative trigger for that minor event. If they show heightened anxiety and concern, what could have been a minor event is given a magnitude beyond what was necessary.
All children will fall. What is most important is that they get up and feel empowered to do it on their own. When parents come to the fallen child and congratulate him or her on how well they stood up and how proud they feel that is the lesson the child will take. Should an incident occur that deserves greater concern the parent’s response should be measured and appropriate. Parents model how their children will react to small crises with their actions.
Something that I frequently repeat to the parents I have helped is that they are their children’s first and most important teachers. If they show their children that they are resilient, the children will become more resilient.
It would be foolish to believe that negative or even horrific things will never occur to your children. It would be even more foolish to cover your children in bubble wrap so they will never feel the bric-a-brac’s that life throws at them.
My sister was an incredible teacher with a heart the size of all outdoors. She loved my nephew beyond all rational thought. In truth, I love him almost as much. To show her concern for my nephew, she made sure that whenever he went outside he played on clean ground. When he came inside, his hands were washed and the rest of him was cleaned. By the time he was eight years old he had developed problems with allergies and asthma. Because of his lack of exposure to the pollens and dirt that were all around, he had not built up an appropriate natural immunity.
There is no fault in what my sister did. She truly was watching out for my nephew’s greatest good. Any parent would do the same. In hindsight, exposing him to the dirt and pollens would have allowed his system to be strengthened.
What are the things a child could be exposed to have as he or she goes to school for the first time? Will they meet children of diverse backgrounds for the first time? Will they deal with children who are not as well behaved or educated? Will they begin to learn from caring professional educators who may approach them in ways that do not resonate with them? Will they feel separation anxiety from their parents for the first time?
All these events are not merely possible, but probable. When your child has been prepared from early on to expect these contingencies the negative imprints that can become implanted are minimized. The children essentially become not “bulletproof” but ”school proof.” I like that phrase. I think I will copyright it.
In taking the steps to create this sort of resiliency in a child, parents can feel less stress as they allow their children to go to school for the first time. As the children return they undoubtedly will come back with stories of the difficulties that arose in their strange new adventures. If the parents questioning is framed around what they learned and how proud they are of the lessons, the children will come to expect they will need to remember what they learn and how that will make their parents proud.
It is all perspective as you create patterns that are repeatable and expectations that are positive yet reasonable.
You may have noticed that there was one horse I did not mention. Her name is Duchess and she is the only one who marginally is mine. She is physically and structurally the most talented horse we have. In truth, none of that matters because she has yet to become “bulletproof.” When she has attained that designation, my wife will take full ownership. Oh, the married life!
