Bobby Axelrod for President!

During the last Presidential campaign, one of Donald Trump’s main selling points was that he was an uber-successful billionaire, and he would bring that unique business skillset to the White House to catapult America into the stratosphere.

But recently, newly released Trump tax data showed he actually lost $1.7 billion dollars, more than any other taxpayer, over a nine year period. The President is very concerned that no additional details of his finances are released to the public, filing lawsuits to resist all investigations into his taxes.

I have no idea whether or not Trump is a billionaire or a fake rich guy actually deep in debt, but I do know that much of America elected him based on the fact he played a billionaire on television. And in the next election, if we are going to choose our leadership based on the characters they portray on the screen, I plan on voting for my favorite TV billionaire, Bobby Axelrod.

In case you are unfamiliar with Bobby Alexrod (or Axe, as they call him on the show), he stars in the Showtime drama Billions. Axe is an unscrupulous hedge fund billionaire who revels in destroying people’s lives, while enjoying all the trappings of the billionaire lifestyle, including beautiful women, mansions, and private jets. You know, a typical TV rich guy.

In the “battle of the television billionaires” competition for the White House, Axe is the clear winner. Here’s why:

1. Axe really is self-made. Donald Trump likes to brag that he is self-made, but it is hard to take him seriously when we know his daddy gave him over $400 million dollars, and constantly bailed him out of trouble. In contrast, in TV world, Axe grew up poor, and actually worked his way to the top on his own. That’s the kind of hard-charging guy we want running the country.
2. Axe destroys the competition. We don’t want a billionaire with a victim mentality running America! For the last two years, Donald Trump has been whining about Robert Mueller and the Democrats treating him unfairly. But Axe doesn’t whine — he takes action. For the first three seasons of Billions Axe was also being pursued by an aggressive prosecutor, Chuck Rhodes. But by the end of last season Axe had soundly defeated Rhodes, and had transformed the deviant lawyer into a glorified messenger boy doing his bidding. Axe wouldn’t be complaining about his enemies — he’d find a way to take them out.
3. Axe takes on Russia and wins. While most of American struggles to understand our President’s weird subservience to Putin, Axe had his own struggle with a scary Russian oligarch, Grigor Andolov (played by a really creepy John Malcovich). After much maneuvering Axe defeated the Russian and sent him home. USA! USA!
4. Women like Axe. When given the option, America loves a sexy President (hence our fixation on John Kennedy). Trump like to believe he is a lady slayer, but unlike him Axe doesn’t need to sexually harass women, import foreign brides, or pay porn stars or Playboy bunnies to date him. In the current season Axe is dating a beautiful woman billionaire, who unlike Melania, actually seems to enjoy being around him.
5. Axe would kick Trump’s ass in a fight. Physical superiority is probably the most ridiculous qualifier for the nation’s highest office, but since Trump has offered to fight Joe Biden, and frequently threatens others with physical violence, I can’t help but envision a back alley brawl between Axe and the President. My prediction…. Axe in 1.

Of course, there are many better ways to choose the President than simply limiting the field to television billionaires (though if I had been of voting age I would have picked Thurston Howell III over Richard Nixon). But in the bizarro world of reality TV we now live in, Axe seems like the best possible choice.