I recently began the hunt for a house in England’s capital city Londonia, better known by its anglocised name: London. Finding a nice place in London is like looking for a needle in a haystack, but the haystack is made out of needles, covered in mould with a person using its loungeroom as a bedroom. Think about it. Actually don’t.

The one shining light of the experience is the nuggets of comedy gold, burried in the river of shit that is London’s rental market.

Tom — a relaxed individual

HI THERE,
I AM A RELAXED INDIVIDUAL, CLEAN AND SOCIABLE . I WORK IN A OFFICE

The first step to being relaxed, is telling yourself you’re relaxed. That’s pretty much how self meditation works. While he’s not there yet, I get the feeling Tom’s gonna be OK.

Phil — seeking discrete male

I am looking for a single (not partnered), mature, discrete, professional male with regular working hours (9 to 5), I cannot accept people with irregular working hours. The room is for one person only, I am unable to accept couples.

Phil’s ad read a little like the lonely hearts section in a kink magazine… if they have such a section. I’d have no idea. I’m still unsure what Phil has planned for his new tenant but apparently the absence of a monogomous relationship is integral enough that the term ‘single’ required both proper defining and reitteration.

Michael — decorated to taste

I am looking to rent the room to easy-going, clean and considerate person. A non smoking individual with a respect for others.
The beautiful accommodation is highly decorated to taste, suitable for Professionals. The floor is fitted with Tiles and laminated to reflect the cleanliness of the Flat
The Location is in the fast developing area of Camberwell close to the famous Burgess park and other amenities such as upermarket, Hotel, local shops etc.

This one is just pure goodness. I can’t quite put my finger on what is wrong with it. It’s as if it has been translated from english to japanese and then back to English by the babel fish.

Why is a hotel considered an amenity for a renter?

Candice — comes furnished, but it’s furnished

Its a small furnished room but it comes furnished with a double bed, two sets of drawers.

I didn’t want a small furnished room, but it’s furnished so now I’m having to think twice.

Carol — wtf are you doing after 7am?

If you’ve come this far read the whole thing, believe me, it’s worth it.

The rent is £600 PCM, which includes Council tax & reasonable use of Electricity & Wifi. Landline & Tv license are not included. A deposit of 1 month's rent is required in advance of moving in & references (proof of employment & previous address) will be requested before moving in also.
PLS NOTE- This is not a flat share and only the double room is for rental. You will have use of a communal kitchen, bath/shower & toilet. Essential for someone who leaves for work before 7AM ( Crucial).
I'm Carol, a live-in landlady in my 40's, with a demanding job & like my own personal space when I am home. I am looking for somebody quiet, who will respect this & treat me & the flat with respect by being aware of living in a shared space & ensuring that they clean up properly after themselves. Good hygiene practice in the flat is essential. I am looking for an early riser, who will leave for work before 7AM ( Non- negotiable) and also has an active social life outside of the flat. Pls note also, that I am not looking for friendship or companionship.
I should also add that I am an occasional smoker, but strictly outside the flat & a firm believer in house rules.
Email me if interested in renting the room, saying you will leave for work before 7AM ( sorry to repeat, had time wasters!) & some information about yourself.
No students 
Non smoker
No pets
No DSS or time wasters
Strictly No overnight guests.
Males/Females, no preference.

If the fun police were an actual government agency, Carol would be the managing director. If you assembled a team of elite writers with the intent to create the worst house share ad of all time, they would struggle to concoct something as beautifully psychopathic and equally sublime in its realism.

First of all, Carol, what constitutes reasonable use of wifi and electricity? I assume it’s only using the wifi before 7am, that much is obvious, but electricity? Yes you can make toast but that industrial electro magnet needs to stay off while you’re here. I imagine Carol leaping from her cave like some trap door spider as you flick the kettle on for your second cup of coffee — it’s 7:02 and this is an unreasonable use of electricity. Get out, I need to exercise my gimp.

Which takes me to the 3 times carol mentions that the would be tenant needs to be out of the house by 7am. I need to know!! I sent her an e-mail masquerading as a possible tenant, enquiring about the hours and as yet have not recieved a response. I assume she gets a lot of similar emails.

Not looking for friendship or companionship… as grim as it is I’ve never been exposed to anyone in my life who needs friendship or companionship more than poor old Carol.

So seriously — WHAT IS SHE DOING AFTER 7AM??

I F ANYONE IS LOOKING FOR A HOUSE MATE, I AM A RELAXED INDIVIDUAL.