From Being Sick for a Week, to a Near Obsession a Month Later

In early October, I succumbed to what I call “COVID Imposter Syndrome”: I basically had all the telltale signs of COVID, without ever testing positive (despite repeated antigen tests and a confirmatory RT-PCR). According to the med tech who did my PCR swab, and various articles I’d read, it was possible that my antibodies had done a stellar enough job keeping COVID at bay, such that it wasn’t ever detected on the tests I’d done.

But, I digress.

Despite all these negative results (plural), I still had all the classic symptoms, which rendered me basically useless for about a week. I had to give up a trip to Bali with my childhood girlfriends, and I had to learn how not to be productive (more importantly, how not to feel guilty about this sudden uselessness) while riding this sickness out.

So I turned to marathoning some of my favorite series.

For some reason, I started with Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, which my Dad and I had always thoroughly enjoyed in previous years (personally, I blame my love of crime shows on Nancy Drew, my childhood heroine). This time around, I started from Season 14, and worked my way up.

And then I found myself sucked into the hole that is the Wolf Universe. I ended up powering through Chicago Med, Chicago Fire, and currently, I’ve been invested in Chicago P.D. (If only FBI were more accessible in our local platforms, I probably would’ve started from the top, too; alas, I’ve only seen a few episodes on cable TV.)

It came to a point wherein my emotions made no sense to me.

I would tear up out of happiness whenever a parent reunited with a child she’d given up for adoption, or when someone in the firehouse were promoted to Lieutenant; I’d feel like skipping down the hall, or ordering my favorite food to celebrate. And then I’d feel the complete opposite for couples who’d break up, or favorite characters who ended up being killed off; I’d feel this weight, this burden, bordering on inexplicable grief.

Why?!

I was never the kind of person who wrote fanfiction based on their ships, or made GIFs of their favorite characters, or created fake social media accounts based on their favorite shows or movies. Yes, I’ve always loved books, movies, and certain shows, but I would move on quickly after any of them came to an end.

This time, it was different.

To check that I was still within the parameters of what’s considered “normal”, I turned to almighty Google. It led to me various articles, even studies, on parasocial relationships (other publications call it parasocial attachments).

According to this article by Damon Jahan Araei, parasocial relationships are “the bond an individual creates with a fictional character, celebrity or media person. It can be said that parasocial relationships are ‘one-sided’ in the sense that only those who form a bond know about the existence of the person they become attached to.”

To add to that, a study by Kathleen Gannon explains that “[e]ven though these characters live in the fictional realm, real feelings develop in a parasocial relationship.”

What I found interesting, after doing a deep dive on this phenomenon (if you will), was this hypothesis by Marina Rain and Raymond A. Mar: That parasocial relationships somehow benefit a person because they “provide interpersonal intimacy without the threat of rejection.”

That stood out for me, because when I look back on these last five weeks, I could see how one-sided everything looks from the POV of a viewer: theoretically, he/she is able to be part of a friend group, feel what it’s like to be part of a different kind of a family, be the employee of a boss/manager they respect, be privy to a relationship they admire (in some cases, probably imagining themselves to be one half of that couple, even), or be the hero/heroine in a story. The possibilities are as endless as the streaming options on any given platform.

It’s likely because viewers form attachments to characters they resonate or relate with. This is echoed by one study author, Erica C. Rarity, and colleagues: “When identification with a character is particularly strong, a viewer may even develop values, beliefs, and personality traits that align with those of the character.”

More, this phenomenon seems to have gained traction over the course of the pandemic, according to a study by Bradley J. Bond, referenced in this article: “Most of us have experienced a great deal of social distancing and some of us have perhaps grown closer to our fellow fictional characters.”

I can see now why I ended up going down that blackhole, or at least how it was triggered: being sick, with nothing else to do, I was left vulnerable; I was in a perfect emotional state to welcome these characters, their triumphs and tribulations, with open arms.

What’s comforting to know, though, is that in a parasocial relationship, our brains are still logical, our faculties are still intact — despite the connections we make with these characters, resulting in a tumult of emotions. Dr. Andrea Letamendi says that, “Rationally, you know that they are not speaking to you, rationally you know that they don’t know you exist, but nonetheless you feel like you have a connection.”

In fact, to a certain extent, “[p]arasocial relationships are actually perfectly normal and in fact psychologically healthy. As humans we are built to make social connections and so when we’re presented with a person through audio or video, we seek to establish a bond with them.” (Sadbh O’ Sullivan, 2021)

What’s of utmost importance here, though, is being able to recognize what is fact from what is fiction. A blog entry in Game Quitters sums it up quite simply: “[I]f you overindulge in this relationship and replace all other forms of social interaction, you need to do something about it. You need to be aware that it’s happening.”

In other words: for as long as you don’t live in that world and neglect your IRL relationships, and/or if you don’t obsess over that character (or in other instances, a celebrity that some people think they know really well, based on following their social media accounts), you’re still good.

Further, we might want to examine more closely if we’re viewing our favorite characters (or celebrities) from this lens: “parasocial attachments can be healthy and beneficial when one’s mental and emotional issues are not projected into and on them.”

Well. That could be another topic (or post) altogether.

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I’m happy to report that I’m back to averaging 8–9 hours of sleep a day, I fully recognize that Olivia Benson and Chief Boden aren’t my superiors (though I wouldn’t mind working under them), and I’ve started replacing my nighttime viewing of episodes with reading books once more.

Go, me.

(Though Manifest Season 4 and The Crown Season 5 are dropping this week and early next week. Oh no.)

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P.S. If you’re in a parasocial relationship but you feel that something’s off or no longer right (despite the information listed above), it might be best to seek professional help.