How your childhood screws up your relationships Ft. Bollywood

In a dating life full of roses and hearts, what if your childhood is acting as the invisible thorn? Have you ever wondered if the way you were treated by your parents is hampering your romantic relationship? Let’s understand this in a desi Bollywood way. Presenting to you, DDLJ 2.0

Simran is an 18-year-old girl who identifies herself with the pronouns she/her. She is a good example

of the stereotypical ‘Brown Households’ memes. Her parents seem to be strict. She is not allowed to

attend parties, date people, use her phone for long, or take important decisions. Her parents decide

everything on her behalf. The type of dress she should wear, her career-related decisions, her

manners, way of talking, boundaries, etc. Simran feels that she gets negligible privacy and space. She

says that she has been subjected to physical abuse as a child. Academics is a chief concern of the

entire family, and her parents appreciate her only when she scores good grades. Else, they are often

critical and complain. Among all this, Simran meets Raj, who is a new student in her class. Raj is

different from all the other guys; he is particularly caring for Simran. One day, he crossed paths with

her in the corridor and saw her having a breakdown. He consoled her. They hugged and Simran felt

the safest in his arms. Not to mention, ‘Ho gaya hai tujhko toh pyaar sajna’ was already playing in

the background. In that moment, they both realised that they have feelings for each other. So,

keeping things aside, they start dating. Simran found the home she always desired. The

one she deserves.

Happy Ending(?)

Hold On.

It’s concerning how movies end with a ‘Happily ever after’ but never show the ‘Ever after’ part. So,

our hopeless romantic soul just assumes that relationships are happy-go-lucky, and we fail to see

what might have happened next.

Simran and Raj were in their honeymoon phase. Their lectures were more like a Bollywood song than

a study session. But soon Simran started becoming dependent on Raj for her emotional needs. Every

time there was a scene at her home, she used to approach Raj for her emotional validation. Raj

sensed this behaviour and given that he started feeling emotionally exhausted because of this, he

chose to maintain a healthy distance from Simran. As a response, Simran assumed that Raj is not

happy in the relationship, so she started to change herself. In the process, she lost her identity, and

eventually, things started going south. They became toxic to each other.

So, your takeaways?

Clearly, we agree that parents have the purest intentions for us, but at times their actions might be

toxic for us. Indeed, your parents’ parenting style influences your attachment style. Alain de Botton,

a British Philosopher suggests that your first romantic relationship is a replication of your childhood

relationship with your parents. Research by Monica D. Toro explains that children who have had a

healthy relationship with their parents are more likely to have healthy romantic relationship

patterns. Now, Simran was led by dominating, controlling, and authoritative parents. She had low

self-esteem and always sought validation. She was attached to Raj because of the absence of a home

support system. She wasn’t raised to make mindful decisions. There is research by J. Ferrari & M.

Olivette on how Authoritative parents hamper the self-esteem of their children which leads to

indecision tendencies.

Keeping the nerdy facts aside, the point is, that your parents might be the root cause of your

screwed-up relationships. So, what can be done? Well, let’s not cry like Nobita, we don’t have a

Doraemon by our side. But what we do have, are therapists or some relationship counselling. Trauma therapy, Cognitive Behavioural

Therapy are some of the ways with which a professional can peep inside you and give you the

necessary support and skills to prepare you for interpersonal and romantic relationships. This will

help you in setting boundaries, perceiving other people in a correct manner, and being self-reliant.

Only if our little Simran with Daaku Mangal Singh Parents had a Dr, Jahangir type therapist for her.