Matchmaking gone wrong

Dear Curator,

I have been divorced twice and this aspect keeps coming up each time my parents discuss an alliance. It’s like my fault that the marriage fell apart. Both my marriages were arranged by my parents and they are aware of the reasons why both didn’t work out. Perfect examples of matchmaking gone wrong. Due to the constant nagging, I moved out of my parents’ house and live alone. Now, they have come up with another alliance and want me to hide the fact that I was divorced twice and say only once instead. I am not comfortable with this. What should I do?

It seems as your parents could do with some matchmaking training with Sima

Taparia or with us at The Intimacy Curator. Matchmaking is not an easy task in the age of online dating and its multiple options. Other factors that make it difficult are societal changes such as women empowerment, shift in gender roles, family structures and the amount of expectations people have from their partners. Things are moving pretty fast in India and the previous generations are much more alien to the relational reality of younger people, and their own children. I am sure your parents want the best for you but perhaps don’t know a better way to show their love rather than getting you married.

Perhaps it’s time you educate them about today’s realities and the fact that things have changed a fair amount since they got married, and found everlasting happiness. It’s time for you to point out to them that divorce is not a deadly disease but just a practical way to end an expired type of relationship. Some marriages have expiry dates, some last forever. We all have different ways of relating to one another, different values, needs, hopes and tolerance levels. Maybe your parents and you did not account for these differences when tying the knots. Unlike common belief, horoscope, caste and bank balance are not always enough to define the longevity of a marriage. Take Elizabeth Taylor for example, she divorced seven times. Even our Indian Kabir Bedi did it three times. Of course, it is always easier for celebrities to overlook criticism and judgement as most of their success is driven by standing out stories. It is a different story for someone from a middle class family but imagine the criticism if you divorced three times. Maybe it’s time to stop and reflect.

Moving out has been a great decision, now let’s look at other ways to cut the umbilical cord between you, your parents and the knot-tying mania. Do you want to get married? Or are you just doing it to make your parents happy? Now that you have time on your own, figure that out first before even going to meet a third alliance. You need to seriously think about what your own needs and feelings are, if you want to maintain good relationships with your parents and with a potential future partner. Maybe you can send your parents for a holiday, instead of getting married again. Travel is fun and mind opening. With regards to telling your prospective bride about the past divorces, I think nothing could be worse than starting off another relationship with a lie.