How do I not feel that?

Whenever I feel strongly uncertain about something in a relationship my default mode is always to leave it. Break up, say goodbye or vanish as quietly as possible, little by little or all of a sudden. Mostly it’s caused by lack of attention from the other, jealousy or just plain physical separation. I rarely encounter these situations but when I do it stacks up in a list that I keep in my mind and ruins me. As the situations add up the reasons for me to leave adds up.

The thing is, I haven’t left. I dont have the heart to. But when I look into the future and think about all the things he can unconsciously do to hurt me makes me realize things. Mainly this: she had you first and you’re part of the same peer group. I can’t do anything else, right? Who am I to say that you should leave that group, that’s too unfair.

Maybe I just always have to suck it up.

Or to not feel that, I have to NOT feel by distracting myself. Oh yes. That’s why I have all the busyness of the world in my hands, I need them to NOT feel anything. To not think about anything. To not let my worries consume me.

‘Til then, I can’t wait for the time when I’m confident enough to not care.